Cycle 3: Expecting too Much

This is the fourth podcast in this series about relationship cycles. Let me recap the previous podcasts:

1. Introduction to Relationship Cycles
2. A Common Relationship Cycle: Blaming Others
3. Another Common Relationship Cycle: Walking Away

And now this Common Relationship Cycle: Expecting too much

Here's the player:
Just under 17 min :)

Here's the Download: download

We all have expectations when we form any kind of relationship (business, friendship, romantic, short-term, etc)

You probably won't find anyone who meets your expectations 100% and even if you do, it will be difficult to attract or hold on to those individuals if you can't be 100% of their expectations as well.

This cycle works like this:

1. You're fine
2. You recognize that the other person isn't meeting your expectations
3. You are repelled by that person
4. You write them off or cross them off of your list


Having high expectations sets you up to be desperate; when you perceive that the real deal has come along, you would give anything to hold onto them--and that's dangerous!

There is no reason to end any relationship. You can always find some form of relationship--that benefits both of you--for everyone you meet.

If you fall into this cycle, what you are really doing is saying that you don't believe in the power of change (for yourself or for the other person). People change every day. People change based on the people they associate with, are friends with, spend time with and talk to regularly.

You aren't helping yourself any by having high expectations of others, in fact: A) You don't have the benefits of relationships because you don't keep them for long, B) You don't develop relationship skills because it requires relationships to develop these, C) You are wasting your time today in hopes of something tomorrow...that may never come.

To break this cycle you need to fight the urge to cross people off of your list. It is difficult to change your expectations of other people (and that's called settling anyway and isn't always a good thing). It is also difficult to fight the urge to be repelled by other people (step 3). Like the other cycles it is easiest to break the cycle on the fourth step: instead of writing people off of your list, continue in the relationship, reframe it (Which I will talk about in my next podcast!), and believe in the power of change--that they will change and you will change and that you will both still benefit from the relationship.

There is no "one true love" and there are no distinctions between people who are "Right for you" and people who are "wrong for you." EVERYONE is right for you if you are just devoted to the relationship; and if you are truly devoted you will develop the relationship skills necessary to make this relationship work.