There is an obvious difference between wants and needs. Needs are required for you to keep on living. Wants are things that would be nice and could improve your life, but that you could do without. Ideally, you would fulfill all of your needs and wants, but that isn't always the case. There may come a time when you have to choose between fulfilling your needs and fulfilling your wants-- this is a form of conflict--and before you can fulfill either, you will have to make a decision. --I suggest that you always prioritize your needs over your wants, no matter how rare or thrilling the want is. If your needs aren't getting met then you need to focus on meeting them first before you will fully enjoy the wants.
Your life of relationships is crammed full of wants and needs. You might want to have friends, or a boyfriend or girlfriend, you might some day want to get married and have children, or you might want to live a single life and never be tied down. --These are all wants. They are not necessary parts of life and just because you want them doesn't mean that you need them. You do not need to have friends, a significant other, you do not need to get married or have children and you do not need to live a single life. Not only are they wants, but they are extreme wants. A radical person would insist that they need to get married to be satisfied with life, when that isn't true.
The assumption is often made that the reason you "need" the above wants is because they are the so-called "natural" way of life, or that by some divine law, Providence requires you to do these things. Worse still is the assumption that the only way to have access to certain avenues of needs fulfillment is to possess these things. Yet, there are ALWAYS other means to the same ends. By insisting on these things you are actually turning your relationship into a means to an end--one might even say you are simply using the other person. --That's not cool.
When many people talk about what they are looking for in a significant other, they list off a mixture of things that they want or that they need. "I need a husband who will provide for my kids, be great in bed, help me reach my goals, and make me feel loved," is a common statement. But if you noticed the words I italicized, that statement is LOADED. I know many people will disagree with me when I say this, but such speakers are setting themselves up for a selfish pursuit of want-fulfillment. The statement places responsibility on the significant other to unconditionally love them, unconditionally help them accomplish their goals, even excel in bed; it forces that person to have children, and provide for those children and forces them to marry. Are you still following?--by insisting on these wants, you force one person to do all of these things--you use them to have children and live the life that you want.
One of three things will happen because of this: 1) you will find someone who WANTS to do these things; and if your list of wants is short enough you might actually find someone to do these things for you, but if you're greedy and have a long list of things you want out of your significant other, then you make this more difficult and maybe impossible. 2) you will find someone who doesn't want these things but will manipulate and coerce them into doing them, and if you're lucky, that individual will be submissive and "stupid" enough that they actually go along with you. 3) You will never find someone who meets all of your wants; and this is dangerous, because you could attempt to force your wants onto them only to ruin the relationship with that person, or you yourself could settle into never getting your wants met and possibly become unhappy because of it.
What alternative do you have?
As far as relationships are concerned, the opposite of a want is a need. Needs are simple and basic. I need to eat every day, I need to sleep regularly and uninterrupted, I need to believe that I am sane and that I have a purpose, and I need to feel safe and comfortable enough to have and express emotions, as well as to believe I am connected to the world (and others) around me.... The list for humans goes on and on, but if you've ever read up on Maslow's Hierarchy you are probably familiar with the basics.
I am a firm supporter of fulfilling your needs individually before bringing others in to help you. How is that possible? And if it is possible, then why involve people in the first place? The answer is simple: because including others in your life can help you fulfill your needs more efficiently. You can do them on your own if it comes down to it, but allowing someone else to do them for you because they are better at it makes for a better relationship all around.
This type of relationship is not a dependency; if you can meet your needs individually and they can meet theirs, then neither of you are required to be together. The beautiful thing about this is that you can be together because you want to be together. You can love the other person for who they are rather than what you want them to be. If they don't want certain things that you want, then that is okay because you don't need those things; and in time perhaps you can even get your wants met if you are patient. Stress the things that you need, not the things that you want and your relationships will be satisfying and wonderful.
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