How to Lose A Guy (or Girl) in 60 Sec

Ok, so the title of this article is a bit of a misnomer... What this article is really about is why men and women might be losing interest in you...but it could happen in 60 sec if you do the wrong things...

Everyone you have a relationship with is going to have a different threshold for losing interest in you. "Interest" is a very subjective term, meaning that the things that make one person interested in you might not be interesting to another. As well, some people will lose interest quickly after one negative experience happens and others will gradually lose interest over time only after consistent negative experiences.

Before I dive into a general list of possible reasons why someone might lose interest in you, I want to summarize a concept that I have explained elsewhere in this blog and in my book: relationships are sought out in order to more easily fulfill needs or wants. We seek relationships when we recognize that it is inefficient to continue fulfilling our needs on our own or we recognize that we cannot fulfill our wants by ourselves.--Needless to say, this is only a part of the equation regarding relationships, the other part is the relationships that we do not seek out.
At times, we are forced to have relationships because another individual has entered our life. The mere fact that someone comes into your world will trigger a conflict--the perceived threat to your resources. At times, the conflict level will be incredibly low and will not concern your day to day existence, but will still influence your relationship with that person because you will perceive a threat to your resources.
All in all, there are three forms of relationships: Those that threaten our survival, those that promote co-existence, and those that consciously benefit us. Relationships that threaten our survival are what we call, "in-conflict;" which means that there are problems with the relationship that have yet to be worked out. Relationships that promote co-existence tend to have conflicts as well, but both parties have a mutual understanding that they need to resolve those conflicts though either collaborating, compromising, or avoiding unnecessary conflicts altogether so that they can return to normal. Finally, there are the relationships that consciously benefit us, and these relationships are the ones that we (should) put the most energy and effort into. Consciously beneficial relationships have conflicts--just like the other forms of relationship--but those conflicts are easily resolved for the benefit of greater good for both sides. Beneficial relationships tend to be collaborative, and need to be so in order to have longevity, but occasionally they are merely short-term relationships and possibly only benefit the self and not the other person. Consciously beneficial relationships are the relationships we want to have.

Now that you understand the basics, here are the specifics we can pull from this: "Interest," for our intents and purposes, is the desire to turn a relationship into a long-term, consciously beneficial relationship, as opposed to one in-conflict or stagnating in a co-existing form of relationship.

So here it is.

"People will lose interest in you if..."

1. You have nothing to offer them of value. We seek out relationships that bring us value. If we can't get what we want on our own, we take an interest in others who can--at least as far as we want the thing that the other person can offer.--We also take an interest in people who can help us fulfill our needs better or more efficiently--though with needs, anyone can fulfill their own needs without the assistance of others, so you need to help them get those needs to a greater extent or more quickly for them to take that kind of interest in you.
2. They no longer want what you can offer. The moment that the other person no longer wants the things you offer, they will lose interest in you. If they suddenly get their wants (or needs) met to a greater extent by someone else--or find a way to get them met better, by themselves--they will lose interest in you. This is often the prime reason why people cheat--because they get their wants and desires met by someone else who is doing it better than you do--and this applies to sexual, emotional and mental cheating. [sorry to paint a grim picture for you] However, it is important to realize that cheating is multifaceted--when an individual isn't getting emotional needs or wants met, they may seek sexual wants in order to bandage the lack of emotional want fulfillment, even without realizing that the sexual want fulfillment doesn't resolve their emotional needs or wants, it merely bandages their lack of emotional needs fulfillment. They may even get in a cycle of this behavior, even though it doesn't resolve their needs or wants.
3. You aren't seeking them out. Relationships require communication--your communication. If you want a relationship with someone, you have to seek them out. The fact remains that you want something from them, so if you want a relationship with them, you have to seek them out. This implies calling them, texting them, visiting them--even introducing yourself to them (if you've never spoken to them in the real world before). You may have things of value to offer these people, but because they aren't aware of those things, they don't take an interest in you or seek you out. The moment that they recognize that you have things that they might want (or can help them meet their needs), they will express interest in you and you'll see them coming to you rather than you trying to sell yourself to them.
4. You are in conflict with them. People don't take kindly to conflict. Where they may be interested in you initially, they can lose that interest the moment that a conflict arises that isn't resolved. All people are interested in easy benefit, but if they have to fight against resistance to obtain that benefit, then they might not think the benefit is worth it.
   You put people into conflicting states when they have to evaluate the risk of doing something (such as investing their interest in you). Many people settle on coexisting relationships rather than beneficial relationships because the risks are too great or the resources required to maintain that form of relationship with you are more than they want to expend.
    You can overcome this reason by resolving the conflict and making it easier on them. If you minimize the risks they must take, or you minimize how much effort they must provide to be with you, you make it easier for them and remove the resistance to your relationship. You can transform a conflicting relationship, or a merely coexisting relationship into a beneficial relationship just by resolving a few simple conflicts.
   Conflict can come in the form of outright risk (the cost to them of having a relationship with you is too burdensome on their resources), and sometimes it can come in them the form of perceived threat to their lifestyle. If your beliefs and values conflict with their beliefs and values, obviously they are going to lose interest in you, but if you can show them how they do not conflict but actually work together, their interest in you will be renewed. 

With all forms of relationships, you need to approach the relationship with the understanding that at the present time, you may want that relationship more than the other person does. You also need to understand that no one needs a relationship and if you attempt to put yourself into a position where you will be needed (as opposed to wanted), you might want to re-evaluate whether you are in a healthy relationship with that person. 

The good news is, just because you want the relationship more than they do doesn't make it a "bad" relationship, nor does it make it any less beneficial to you. You also never know whether there may come a time when that person wants the relationship as much or more than you do; however your focus shouldn't be on whether you or whether they want the relationship the most. The measure of success in a relationship is based upon whether you are benefiting from the relationship and whether the risks and investment that you make to maintain that relationship are worth the benefit. You should focus on whether you enjoy the benefits that the relation brings, and whether you are capable of managing the risks associated with that relationship. 

As always, if you're struggling with relationship conflicts or if this topic is something you really want to improve on (having people become more interested in you), please schedule a time to meet with me, either on the phone or in person. I can help you develop a plan to improve this part of your life (or even a specific relationship that is suffering from one of the above 4 issues).

What Alternative Is Their to Being Used for Wants?

There is an obvious difference between wants and needs. Needs are required for you to keep on living. Wants are things that would be nice and could improve your life, but that you could do without. Ideally, you would fulfill all of your needs and wants, but that isn't always the case. There may come a time when you have to choose between fulfilling your needs and fulfilling your wants-- this is a form of conflict--and before you can fulfill either, you will have to make a decision. --I suggest that you always prioritize your needs over your wants, no matter how rare or thrilling the want is. If your needs aren't getting met then you need to focus on meeting them first before you will fully enjoy the wants.

Your life of relationships is crammed full of wants and needs. You might want to have friends, or a boyfriend or girlfriend, you might some day want to get married and have children, or you might want to live a single life and never be tied down. --These are all wants. They are not necessary parts of life and just because you want them doesn't mean that you need them. You do not need to have friends, a significant other, you do not need to get married or have children and you do not need to live a single life. Not only are they wants, but they are extreme wants. A radical person would insist that they need to get married to be satisfied with life, when that isn't true.

The assumption is often made that the reason you "need" the above wants is because they are the so-called "natural" way of life, or that by some divine law, Providence requires you to do these things. Worse still is the assumption that the only way to have access to certain avenues of needs fulfillment is to possess these things. Yet, there are ALWAYS other means to the same ends. By insisting on these things you are actually turning your relationship into a means to an end--one might even say you are simply using the other person. --That's not cool.

When many people talk about what they are looking for in a significant other, they list off a mixture of things that they want or that they need. "I need a husband who will provide for my kids, be great in bed, help me reach my goals, and make me feel loved," is a common statement. But if you noticed the words I italicized, that statement is LOADED. I know many people will disagree with me when I say this, but such speakers are setting themselves up for a selfish pursuit of want-fulfillment. The statement places responsibility on the significant other to unconditionally love them, unconditionally help them accomplish their goals, even excel in bed; it forces that person to have children, and provide for those children and forces them to marry. Are you still following?--by insisting on these wants, you force one person to do all of these things--you use them to have children and live the life that you want.
One of three things will happen because of this: 1) you will find someone who WANTS to do these things; and if your list of wants is short enough you might actually find someone to do these things for you, but if you're greedy and have a long list of things you want out of your significant other, then you make this more difficult and maybe impossible. 2) you will find someone who doesn't want these things but will manipulate and coerce them into doing them, and if you're lucky, that individual will be submissive and "stupid" enough that they actually go along with you. 3) You will never find someone who meets all of your wants; and this is dangerous, because you could attempt to force your wants onto them only to ruin the relationship with that person, or you yourself could settle into never getting your wants met and possibly become unhappy because of it.

What alternative do you have?

As far as relationships are concerned, the opposite of a want is a need. Needs are simple and basic. I need to eat every day, I need to sleep regularly and uninterrupted, I need to believe that I am sane and that I have a purpose, and I need to feel safe and comfortable enough to have and express emotions, as well as to believe I am connected to the world (and others) around me.... The list for humans goes on and on, but if you've ever read up on Maslow's Hierarchy you are probably familiar with the basics.
I am a firm supporter of fulfilling your needs individually before bringing others in to help you. How is that possible? And if it is possible, then why involve people in the first place? The answer is simple: because including others in your life can help you fulfill your needs more efficiently. You can do them on your own if it comes down to it, but allowing someone else to do them for you because they are better at it makes for a better relationship all around.
This type of relationship is not a dependency; if you can meet your needs individually and they can meet theirs, then neither of you are required to be together. The beautiful thing about this is that you can be together because you want to be together. You can love the other person for who they are rather than what you want them to be. If they don't want certain things that you want, then that is okay because you don't need those things; and in time perhaps you can even get your wants met if you are patient. Stress the things that you need, not the things that you want and your relationships will be satisfying and wonderful.

3 Signs Your Relationship Is Never Going to Work

I hate this aspect of my job. I hate thinking about it, talking about it, and in my own life I hate facing it myself because it's depressing. But my last article was on facing the reality of your relationships and to be clear, I feel obligated to share what criteria you should look for as signs that your relationship will never be perfect the way you want it to. My material comes from an article published in the Journal of Family Psychology back in 2012.


There are three things that are strongly correlated to divorce, separation, break up,  and as I like to call it, "relationship endings." Those three things are:

1. Poor Communication
2. Poor Emotional Management
3. And a lack of perceiving that your needs are being met

Poor Communication often comes down to conflict management. How do you resolve your conflicts? Do you insist that you are right and the other person is wrong and therefore the discussion is over? Do you avoid discussions with the other person because you don't want to upset them? Do you avoid conversations with them because you don't want them to hurt you? Do you cave every time they want something from you because you don't want to upset them? Do you get upset that they don't remember things? Do you get upset because they don't appear to value the same things as you?--All of these issues are a symptom of poor communication. --I'll write an article on this eventually, and have in fact devoted a significant portion of my book to this very topic, but if you know your relationship suffers from poor communication then expect it to fail sometime in the future. That is, if you don't commit now to improve your communication.

Poor Emotional Management is all about feelings. How do you feel in the relationship? If you were to take an hourly log of how you are feeling in a week, how many hours would you classify as you feeling "satisfied" or "happy" with your relationship? If you feel stressed, if you feel sad, if you feel angry, if you feel scared more than 50% of the time, expect your relationship to come to an end eventually. In fact, if you are in that situation, let me remind you that the only reason you still have a relationship of any kind with that person is because you are keeping it alive.

Lack of Needs Fulfillment I stated above that it was the perception of your needs being fulfilled. This is a tricky issue to attach to relationship endings. For starters, it is not your responsibility to fulfill other people's needs. Ever. However, we form relationships because it makes it easier to fulfill our needs and wants. If you aren't helping them meet some of their important needs, or you are blocking them from meeting those needs (or making their life more stressful), you might need to reconsider why you are in the relationship in the first place. And, if your needs aren't getting met, you shouldn't blame the other person for not fulfilling them, but you should consider developing other relationships that can help you fulfill those--if not fulfilling them on your own without complaining.

It's not unlikely that at some point in the life of your relationships you will experience each of these things. You might recognize that the communication in your relationship is terrible, or that you are projecting your emotions on the other person or feel that they have made you upset or angry. You may even think that you aren't getting any of your needs met by the other person. This is fine, so long as it is temporary--that is when you try to work on those things.
If your relationship doesn't communicate very well, work in it. If you keep feeling the same emotions, focus on resolving those emotions. If you aren't getting your needs me, you REALLY need to find ways to get those needs met. No, you don't need to put your relationship on hold, but you need to commit more to resolving these things. You can still maintain the same level of relationship with them and, on the side, be improving your personal ability to communicate, handle your emotions, and get your needs met.

With that in mind, if you try your damnedest, you're committing to the relationship and you're working on yourself, and you're still having these problems, then it's time to admit defeat. There is no shame in ending a relationship that isn't working out. If it doesn't get you closer to that dream relationship you're working towards, or if it keeps slipping back into those three negative areas, then set up some boundaries and move forward.

There is really only one sign that your relationship will never work, and that is that you or the other person no longer wants to improve your communication, no longer want to manage the emotions, or no longer wants to find a solution for helping the other person get their needs fulfilled. No matter what happens, no matter what mistakes are made, the hurtful things said, actions taken, or the decisions made, if you both want to keep working on these three things, then you will maintain a relationship and hopefully it won't be bogged down with so many boundaries that it can become a great relationship.

What you don't realize about Abuse

This podcast is about abuse.




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Everyone has probably felt--and been--abused before, so I hope this is useful for a lot of people. Abuse is common, and no one wants to be abused or be an abuser because we are raised to know that it is wrong or bad. The problem is that even when we know it is a bad thing, we still accidentally abuse those we love and still get into abusive relationships without realizing it.

Here are a few key points about abuse:

• Abuse is any time that another person unfairly prevents you from fulfilling your basic needs--and they do it in order to maintain control over you. They then use that control to get their needs met and either minimally fulfill your needs or do not fulfill your needs at all. 
• The ideal situation for an abuser is to find themselves in a situation where, with minimal effort on their part, they keep you fulfilling their needs. 
• Abusers want to get you "hooked" on them by making you feel obligated to them either by making you believe that you owe them, or by appealing to your niceness--making you think that you are not being nice to them and need to be nicer, or by appealing to your nice, giving personality because they know you will always be nice to them. 
• Abusive relationships are different from short-term relationships. A short-term relationship can be severely one-sided--one person benefits drastically more than the other--but the fact that it is a short term relationship means it will end the moment that it becomes.
• Long-term relationships can never survive if they are abusive. If your relationship starts off with some degree of abuse, don't expect it to change or improve. 
• In fact, the chances of them making permanent changes are slim to none, especially if you are "hooked" already. This is because you have already allowed them to be in a high-power, low-risk position. They can remain the same and still maintain their lifestyle and be unaffected whereas you must change to keep them in your life. 
• You should be independent Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is in you--you are born with the capability--to be independent in these three big ways. --If you aren't right now, that is okay, but it should be your number one priority to obtain physical, mental, and emotional self-sufficiency from other people. 
• Not everyone is abusive, even if it appears that you may never find them.--you will, don't give up!
• Sometimes people are unknowingly abusive (yourself included). 
• If you are abusing others and you suddenly recognize it, change now and apologize to those you have abused. 
• If others are abusing you, and you suspect they do so unknowingly, treat the situation like you would any other conflict and seek out a win-win solution that allows both of you to get what you want. 
• If conflict resolution doesn't seem to change things for you, or the other person changes and then drifts back into abusive behavior, then the best thing you can do is walk away and create some distance. You don't have to end the relationship completely, but you do have to change it completely.
• Some ways in which you might be required to change are:
• Change the relationship type--change how you define the relationship, what you do with that person, and how involved and invested you are in their life.
• End the "seriousness" of the relationship--if you are in a serious, long-term relationship with them, you may need to end it and return to being just friends.
• Move out of the house--If you are living together, whether family, spouse, or significant other, it can be very beneficial to move out and live separately for a time--or indefinitely.
• Establish firm boundaries until you have obtained enough independence and confidence that you can return to them on good terms and not be abused.
• Things will never, and should never return to how they once were, before or during the abuse. The good parts of the relationship that you had in the beginning were what led up to the abusive parts of the relationship. It is a common mis-belief by the abused that the relationship will return to what it once was. It cannot, because the moment that it does, it will start down the same path it did previously which ended in abuse. You MUST change the relationship if you want to get over the abuse. 

I'm not a firm believer in ever ending a relationship, but if you are in an abusive relationship right now, you definitely need to create some space, establish new boundaries, and change the relationship before you can continue with it.

This comes from my experience dealing with my own abusive relationships and helping others deal with and break free from theirs, so it is a very personal topic for me. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help getting out, please text me, I'm here to help: [801]690.1495

5 Reasons You Shouldn't Do Everything With Your Significant Other

I wanted to do a followup to my last podcast about compatibility. Perhaps you're under the impression that you need to have a lot of common interests with your significant other and that you need to include them in your hobbies or with your friends (or even your family)? This podcast gives 5 reasons why you shouldn't get carried away into thinking your significant other has to be your twin.

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& Here's the Download: download

1. People need avenues for releasing stress.
2. Doing things alone and achieving things builds confidence.
3. When you are exposed to people outside of your norm, you learn new ways of thinking and can apply the best parts to your preferred relationship.
4. Having your own friends helps you see that you have "options" and are in your relationship by choice.
5. You can't meet all of your needs in one person!

We need to live the life that we want to live rather than the life that our significant other wants us to live; and then we can include our significant other in that life, just like they should include us in their life. The best relationships are those created when we have a complete choice and not because we were forced or because we desperately needed them. 

3 Tips on How to Attract Perfect 10s

A Perfect 10 is the term used for a girl or guy who, in front of a panel of judges, might rank 10 (the highest) on various categories by all judges. Men and women like to use the term on people who have a strong physical appeal, however it can also apply to other attractive characteristics. The term simply means that the person is highly desirable.

Being highly desired, Perfect 10s tend to be approached more often than the average person and gain relationship experience faster. They also tend to develop certain personality traits that either take advantage of the opportunities people give them, or serve to protect them from awkward situations. Being a Perfect 10 gives them a lot more options and decisions, so they become more experienced at taking advantage of things that will help them and rejecting those that might harm them.

1. Focus in on what you can offer

Because they have a lot of options, if you want to win over a Perfect 10 you have to be everything they need AND present that to them the right way. It's not enough to possess the traits that they are looking for, you also have to present that to them in a way that they understand. Think about it this way: to a Perfect 10, the rest of the world is a bunch of people wearing grey sweaters, every now and again someone with a blue sweater comes along, but there are too many people wearing grey sweaters up front for them to notice that someone could be wearing something other than grey in the back. 

Perfect 10s have the privilege of being picky, they have the option to look for something specific. A word of caution: If you don't have what they claim to want, you're not going to make any traction with them. If you are capable of providing them with what they need you will still have to convince them that you have what they need, but not in a way that makes you sound arrogant or desperate. 

Unfortunately, there is no perfect mold that you can fit into to cover all bases. Everyone is different and everyone needs their partner to have a different balance of traits, however a couple of nearly universal, good traits include confidence and a well-kept appearance. 

2. Don't lay down to be walked on

The worst thing you can do is lay down, roll over and let them walk all over you. Most Perfect 10's want a little bit of resistance in their lives to keep things interesting. If you give your everything to them, you'll come across as desperate, and unless they are desperate as well, they won't want anything to do with you. If they see you as a good opportunity, and they sense that you are desperate, they will take whatever you give them and play on your desperation to get the most out of you. If you lay down to be walked over they will use you and when you stop being useful they'll leave.

3. Know when to quit

If you are being used, you need to know when to quit. Being used isn't always a bad thing so long as you are both comfortable with the benefit you are getting from each other. The key is to avoid being over-used, and the only way to prevent that is to know where your boundaries are. At what point will you draw the line? Everyone should have boundaries; if the Perfect 10 you are after crosses your boundaries you need to confront them about it.--Don't assume that you know what their motives are--they may be thinking that you are okay with something simply because you haven't told them where your boundaries are. If they consistently cross your boundaries then you will need to be more strict at enforcing those boundaries; and if you've done everything you can, it might be time to quit pursuing this Perfect 10. 

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If you would like further assistance with winning over a Perfect 10, apply for my life coaching services. I typically charge $20/hr for my services and in a matter like this I could help you win his or her attention in three or less sessions.