How to Lose A Guy (or Girl) in 60 Sec

Ok, so the title of this article is a bit of a misnomer... What this article is really about is why men and women might be losing interest in you...but it could happen in 60 sec if you do the wrong things...

Everyone you have a relationship with is going to have a different threshold for losing interest in you. "Interest" is a very subjective term, meaning that the things that make one person interested in you might not be interesting to another. As well, some people will lose interest quickly after one negative experience happens and others will gradually lose interest over time only after consistent negative experiences.

Before I dive into a general list of possible reasons why someone might lose interest in you, I want to summarize a concept that I have explained elsewhere in this blog and in my book: relationships are sought out in order to more easily fulfill needs or wants. We seek relationships when we recognize that it is inefficient to continue fulfilling our needs on our own or we recognize that we cannot fulfill our wants by ourselves.--Needless to say, this is only a part of the equation regarding relationships, the other part is the relationships that we do not seek out.
At times, we are forced to have relationships because another individual has entered our life. The mere fact that someone comes into your world will trigger a conflict--the perceived threat to your resources. At times, the conflict level will be incredibly low and will not concern your day to day existence, but will still influence your relationship with that person because you will perceive a threat to your resources.
All in all, there are three forms of relationships: Those that threaten our survival, those that promote co-existence, and those that consciously benefit us. Relationships that threaten our survival are what we call, "in-conflict;" which means that there are problems with the relationship that have yet to be worked out. Relationships that promote co-existence tend to have conflicts as well, but both parties have a mutual understanding that they need to resolve those conflicts though either collaborating, compromising, or avoiding unnecessary conflicts altogether so that they can return to normal. Finally, there are the relationships that consciously benefit us, and these relationships are the ones that we (should) put the most energy and effort into. Consciously beneficial relationships have conflicts--just like the other forms of relationship--but those conflicts are easily resolved for the benefit of greater good for both sides. Beneficial relationships tend to be collaborative, and need to be so in order to have longevity, but occasionally they are merely short-term relationships and possibly only benefit the self and not the other person. Consciously beneficial relationships are the relationships we want to have.

Now that you understand the basics, here are the specifics we can pull from this: "Interest," for our intents and purposes, is the desire to turn a relationship into a long-term, consciously beneficial relationship, as opposed to one in-conflict or stagnating in a co-existing form of relationship.

So here it is.

"People will lose interest in you if..."

1. You have nothing to offer them of value. We seek out relationships that bring us value. If we can't get what we want on our own, we take an interest in others who can--at least as far as we want the thing that the other person can offer.--We also take an interest in people who can help us fulfill our needs better or more efficiently--though with needs, anyone can fulfill their own needs without the assistance of others, so you need to help them get those needs to a greater extent or more quickly for them to take that kind of interest in you.
2. They no longer want what you can offer. The moment that the other person no longer wants the things you offer, they will lose interest in you. If they suddenly get their wants (or needs) met to a greater extent by someone else--or find a way to get them met better, by themselves--they will lose interest in you. This is often the prime reason why people cheat--because they get their wants and desires met by someone else who is doing it better than you do--and this applies to sexual, emotional and mental cheating. [sorry to paint a grim picture for you] However, it is important to realize that cheating is multifaceted--when an individual isn't getting emotional needs or wants met, they may seek sexual wants in order to bandage the lack of emotional want fulfillment, even without realizing that the sexual want fulfillment doesn't resolve their emotional needs or wants, it merely bandages their lack of emotional needs fulfillment. They may even get in a cycle of this behavior, even though it doesn't resolve their needs or wants.
3. You aren't seeking them out. Relationships require communication--your communication. If you want a relationship with someone, you have to seek them out. The fact remains that you want something from them, so if you want a relationship with them, you have to seek them out. This implies calling them, texting them, visiting them--even introducing yourself to them (if you've never spoken to them in the real world before). You may have things of value to offer these people, but because they aren't aware of those things, they don't take an interest in you or seek you out. The moment that they recognize that you have things that they might want (or can help them meet their needs), they will express interest in you and you'll see them coming to you rather than you trying to sell yourself to them.
4. You are in conflict with them. People don't take kindly to conflict. Where they may be interested in you initially, they can lose that interest the moment that a conflict arises that isn't resolved. All people are interested in easy benefit, but if they have to fight against resistance to obtain that benefit, then they might not think the benefit is worth it.
   You put people into conflicting states when they have to evaluate the risk of doing something (such as investing their interest in you). Many people settle on coexisting relationships rather than beneficial relationships because the risks are too great or the resources required to maintain that form of relationship with you are more than they want to expend.
    You can overcome this reason by resolving the conflict and making it easier on them. If you minimize the risks they must take, or you minimize how much effort they must provide to be with you, you make it easier for them and remove the resistance to your relationship. You can transform a conflicting relationship, or a merely coexisting relationship into a beneficial relationship just by resolving a few simple conflicts.
   Conflict can come in the form of outright risk (the cost to them of having a relationship with you is too burdensome on their resources), and sometimes it can come in them the form of perceived threat to their lifestyle. If your beliefs and values conflict with their beliefs and values, obviously they are going to lose interest in you, but if you can show them how they do not conflict but actually work together, their interest in you will be renewed. 

With all forms of relationships, you need to approach the relationship with the understanding that at the present time, you may want that relationship more than the other person does. You also need to understand that no one needs a relationship and if you attempt to put yourself into a position where you will be needed (as opposed to wanted), you might want to re-evaluate whether you are in a healthy relationship with that person. 

The good news is, just because you want the relationship more than they do doesn't make it a "bad" relationship, nor does it make it any less beneficial to you. You also never know whether there may come a time when that person wants the relationship as much or more than you do; however your focus shouldn't be on whether you or whether they want the relationship the most. The measure of success in a relationship is based upon whether you are benefiting from the relationship and whether the risks and investment that you make to maintain that relationship are worth the benefit. You should focus on whether you enjoy the benefits that the relation brings, and whether you are capable of managing the risks associated with that relationship. 

As always, if you're struggling with relationship conflicts or if this topic is something you really want to improve on (having people become more interested in you), please schedule a time to meet with me, either on the phone or in person. I can help you develop a plan to improve this part of your life (or even a specific relationship that is suffering from one of the above 4 issues).