How to Reach Marriage the Right Way not the Right Now

Anyone can get married, but not all marriages are stable, secure and beneficial. You want to get married, it's a goal of yours, but you want it to last and you want it to make you the happiest person on earth. To succeed with this goal you'll need to be smart about the entire process and make some crucial decisions now to prepare you for then. If you want to make good decisions, you need to first understand what you're getting into and hopefully this article will enlighten you a little bit.

• You will have to take smaller steps if you want to reach such a massive goal

The easiest way to reach a major goal is to break it down into smaller, more manageable parts. Sometimes it can be difficult to track your progress on bigger goals without breaking them down; and it is easy to get caught up in hopelessness when you don't know if you are making any progress. 

• There are 4 steps that lead to marriage

First, you frequent gathering places and introduce yourself to people with the intent of forming a relationship. Next, you invite some these people (the ones that interest you) to spend time with you outside of the gathering places to get to know them better.

Then, you make an agreement with one of these people to work towards marriage, create plans, and practice making commitments

Finally, you get married and follow through with the plans you made in the previous step.

• These steps can branch into other types of relationships, than marriage, on purpose or on accident

Not all relationships are bound to be marriages. Sometimes you meet people who are incompatible marriage partners but good potential friends. The steps to a good, lifelong friend are similar and might look like this: 1.mingling, 2.dating, 3.friendship. rather than 1.mingling, 2.dating, 3.courting. 

Sometimes the course change happens by your control, such as when you both mutually agree that you merely want to be friends; and sometimes it happens out of your control, such as when the other person decides that they want to pursue other career, spiritual, or life interests that you can't be a part of. 

• There is no "perfect" time limit associated with these steps

Quantity is no indicator of efficiency or quality--if you think being with someone for six months and still not progressing into a courting relationship is absurd, you're looking a things in the wrong way. The purpose of mingling is to form potential relationships--again, not all relationships turn into marriages, or for that matter not everyone you meet will warrant a date. Spending a lot of time in one phase is just an indicator that there are still more things you need to work on. Sometimes you meet people that are direct and make it easy to cover the important parts of each phase you're in with them, other times you meet people who are less focused and it requires a little more work to focus on the important aspects of each phase.

You do yourself a disservice by trying to force the advancement of a relationship for the wrong reasons. You want to get married the right way, not simply right now.

• It is better to start the dating phase with single dates rather than double or group dates

Spending alone time with someone can be awkward when you first try it. If this is something you struggle with, I suggest meeting with me individually for life-coaching because I know of several techniques to help you feel more comfortable in this stage. Group dates or double dates may make you feel less awkward and more "safe," but they start your relationship off in the wrong direction. They substitute immediate safety for later insecurity because when you do make the leap into alone time with that person you, or they, still rely (and sometimes retain) support from their previous group mates. Bi-lateral relationships aren't a social affair, even though they start out as such in mingling, so it's best not to encourage the development of multi-lateral relationships from the get-go.

On the other hand, if you're looking to start a polyamorous or polygamous relationship you would be ahead to do a lot of group dating because you will build your relationship on a multi-lateral rather than bi-lateral relationship dynamic. Like I always say: build the type of relationship you want from the very beginning. 

• Courting gives you the opportunity to plan with, and to practice committing to, your partner

Most marriage types emphasize long-term commitment and shared goals/objectives, which requires a lot of trust. Before you can satisfy your need to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you need to see a pattern from your partner of commitment and trust. Essentially, you need to observe your partner following through with the little things and then you can trust that they will follow through on the big things.

This is, by no means, a requirement of a healthy relationship (seeing follow-through of little commitments)--in theory you could have a successful, happy marriage in which you have never made little commitments or never observed your partner fulfilling those commitments, but most people require some concrete evidence before they trust another person with their life. 

Courting is also the time to make plans--to set goals together and to make decisions about how you are going to handle potential future conflict areas. Watching your partner follow the plan, or your partner watching you follow through with the plan builds trust and helps you bond.

• You have a lot more control in building the perfect marriage than you might think!

If you understand the four steps that lead to marriage, you can focus on what's important during each step. Whenever you're mingling your objective should be to meet as many people as possible--not necessarily to get to know them, just to get to know them enough to make a decision about what type of relationship you want to progress with them.
In the dating phase you should focus on getting to know the other person better to decide what type of relationship you want to progress into with them.  I recommend mingling and dating at the same time to improve your chances.
During the courting phase you should focus on building trust and making plans together.
Finally, in marriage you should focus on sticking to the plans and making adjustments as a unit when necessary.
By understanding the steps and focusing on the right things you'll see a lot more success than haphazardly bumbling along and focusing on the wrong things. You control your progression by actively engaging rather than being passive, so if you get stuck in one of the phases, try taking matters into your own hands. This means asking (and planning) dates rather than waiting to be asked, or try having a "relationship talk" if you're stuck with simple dating and not making commitments with someone.