Cycle 3: Expecting too Much

This is the fourth podcast in this series about relationship cycles. Let me recap the previous podcasts:

1. Introduction to Relationship Cycles
2. A Common Relationship Cycle: Blaming Others
3. Another Common Relationship Cycle: Walking Away

And now this Common Relationship Cycle: Expecting too much

Here's the player:
Just under 17 min :)

Here's the Download: download

We all have expectations when we form any kind of relationship (business, friendship, romantic, short-term, etc)

You probably won't find anyone who meets your expectations 100% and even if you do, it will be difficult to attract or hold on to those individuals if you can't be 100% of their expectations as well.

This cycle works like this:

1. You're fine
2. You recognize that the other person isn't meeting your expectations
3. You are repelled by that person
4. You write them off or cross them off of your list


Having high expectations sets you up to be desperate; when you perceive that the real deal has come along, you would give anything to hold onto them--and that's dangerous!

There is no reason to end any relationship. You can always find some form of relationship--that benefits both of you--for everyone you meet.

If you fall into this cycle, what you are really doing is saying that you don't believe in the power of change (for yourself or for the other person). People change every day. People change based on the people they associate with, are friends with, spend time with and talk to regularly.

You aren't helping yourself any by having high expectations of others, in fact: A) You don't have the benefits of relationships because you don't keep them for long, B) You don't develop relationship skills because it requires relationships to develop these, C) You are wasting your time today in hopes of something tomorrow...that may never come.

To break this cycle you need to fight the urge to cross people off of your list. It is difficult to change your expectations of other people (and that's called settling anyway and isn't always a good thing). It is also difficult to fight the urge to be repelled by other people (step 3). Like the other cycles it is easiest to break the cycle on the fourth step: instead of writing people off of your list, continue in the relationship, reframe it (Which I will talk about in my next podcast!), and believe in the power of change--that they will change and you will change and that you will both still benefit from the relationship.

There is no "one true love" and there are no distinctions between people who are "Right for you" and people who are "wrong for you." EVERYONE is right for you if you are just devoted to the relationship; and if you are truly devoted you will develop the relationship skills necessary to make this relationship work.

How to Reach Marriage the Right Way not the Right Now

Anyone can get married, but not all marriages are stable, secure and beneficial. You want to get married, it's a goal of yours, but you want it to last and you want it to make you the happiest person on earth. To succeed with this goal you'll need to be smart about the entire process and make some crucial decisions now to prepare you for then. If you want to make good decisions, you need to first understand what you're getting into and hopefully this article will enlighten you a little bit.

• You will have to take smaller steps if you want to reach such a massive goal

The easiest way to reach a major goal is to break it down into smaller, more manageable parts. Sometimes it can be difficult to track your progress on bigger goals without breaking them down; and it is easy to get caught up in hopelessness when you don't know if you are making any progress. 

• There are 4 steps that lead to marriage

First, you frequent gathering places and introduce yourself to people with the intent of forming a relationship. Next, you invite some these people (the ones that interest you) to spend time with you outside of the gathering places to get to know them better.

Then, you make an agreement with one of these people to work towards marriage, create plans, and practice making commitments

Finally, you get married and follow through with the plans you made in the previous step.

• These steps can branch into other types of relationships, than marriage, on purpose or on accident

Not all relationships are bound to be marriages. Sometimes you meet people who are incompatible marriage partners but good potential friends. The steps to a good, lifelong friend are similar and might look like this: 1.mingling, 2.dating, 3.friendship. rather than 1.mingling, 2.dating, 3.courting. 

Sometimes the course change happens by your control, such as when you both mutually agree that you merely want to be friends; and sometimes it happens out of your control, such as when the other person decides that they want to pursue other career, spiritual, or life interests that you can't be a part of. 

• There is no "perfect" time limit associated with these steps

Quantity is no indicator of efficiency or quality--if you think being with someone for six months and still not progressing into a courting relationship is absurd, you're looking a things in the wrong way. The purpose of mingling is to form potential relationships--again, not all relationships turn into marriages, or for that matter not everyone you meet will warrant a date. Spending a lot of time in one phase is just an indicator that there are still more things you need to work on. Sometimes you meet people that are direct and make it easy to cover the important parts of each phase you're in with them, other times you meet people who are less focused and it requires a little more work to focus on the important aspects of each phase.

You do yourself a disservice by trying to force the advancement of a relationship for the wrong reasons. You want to get married the right way, not simply right now.

• It is better to start the dating phase with single dates rather than double or group dates

Spending alone time with someone can be awkward when you first try it. If this is something you struggle with, I suggest meeting with me individually for life-coaching because I know of several techniques to help you feel more comfortable in this stage. Group dates or double dates may make you feel less awkward and more "safe," but they start your relationship off in the wrong direction. They substitute immediate safety for later insecurity because when you do make the leap into alone time with that person you, or they, still rely (and sometimes retain) support from their previous group mates. Bi-lateral relationships aren't a social affair, even though they start out as such in mingling, so it's best not to encourage the development of multi-lateral relationships from the get-go.

On the other hand, if you're looking to start a polyamorous or polygamous relationship you would be ahead to do a lot of group dating because you will build your relationship on a multi-lateral rather than bi-lateral relationship dynamic. Like I always say: build the type of relationship you want from the very beginning. 

• Courting gives you the opportunity to plan with, and to practice committing to, your partner

Most marriage types emphasize long-term commitment and shared goals/objectives, which requires a lot of trust. Before you can satisfy your need to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you need to see a pattern from your partner of commitment and trust. Essentially, you need to observe your partner following through with the little things and then you can trust that they will follow through on the big things.

This is, by no means, a requirement of a healthy relationship (seeing follow-through of little commitments)--in theory you could have a successful, happy marriage in which you have never made little commitments or never observed your partner fulfilling those commitments, but most people require some concrete evidence before they trust another person with their life. 

Courting is also the time to make plans--to set goals together and to make decisions about how you are going to handle potential future conflict areas. Watching your partner follow the plan, or your partner watching you follow through with the plan builds trust and helps you bond.

• You have a lot more control in building the perfect marriage than you might think!

If you understand the four steps that lead to marriage, you can focus on what's important during each step. Whenever you're mingling your objective should be to meet as many people as possible--not necessarily to get to know them, just to get to know them enough to make a decision about what type of relationship you want to progress with them.
In the dating phase you should focus on getting to know the other person better to decide what type of relationship you want to progress into with them.  I recommend mingling and dating at the same time to improve your chances.
During the courting phase you should focus on building trust and making plans together.
Finally, in marriage you should focus on sticking to the plans and making adjustments as a unit when necessary.
By understanding the steps and focusing on the right things you'll see a lot more success than haphazardly bumbling along and focusing on the wrong things. You control your progression by actively engaging rather than being passive, so if you get stuck in one of the phases, try taking matters into your own hands. This means asking (and planning) dates rather than waiting to be asked, or try having a "relationship talk" if you're stuck with simple dating and not making commitments with someone.

The 4 Steps that Lead to Marriage

Every relationship is different, but romantic relationships tend to progress along the same process: 1) Mingling 2) Dating 3) Courting 4) Marriage. If you dream of one day getting married, you can increase your chances of reaching that goal by encouraging the maturation of this process. This process has happened throughout history and has shaped western culture's mating process.

I have compiled a list of useful information in regards to each of these steps that can help you understand the process and move through it more effectively:

Step 1: Mingling

Definition: Mingling is the introduction phase and can be defined by the word "attendance." You go to parties, attend events, go to gatherings of people with similar interests as you--and you meet people. You put yourself out in the real world so that people can see and interact with you on a basic level and see that you are available. Mingling is the equivalent of wearing a sign that says: I am open for relationships (romantic or otherwise).

Historical References:
Remember that anciently there was less interaction between people because occupations of the time required more time alone, such as farming. There was very little office romance and so society developed methods (and locations) to bring people together to mingle, such as holiday celebrations at town center for town members, religious celebrations at church for people with similar beliefs and values, and pubs for people who traveled or wanted to meet travelers.

What you have control over:
If you want to make it beyond this step you have to attend these meetings and go to their associated locations. By avoiding social gatherings you are sending a message to the community that you are unavailable. Sitting at home will not help you meet people. You need to be in attendance and interact with other people.
There is a chance that if all you do is attend events, others will come to you to interact, however, you have more control over this step if you make an attempt to interact with those people who you are interested in advancing with.

Things to consider:
Some events have an agenda and not all events allow for mingling. For example, many religious activities allow for mingling before or after but not during religious services, and Superbowl parties generally have a before or after party where you can mingle as well, but generally people don't interact or introduce themselves to those they don't know while the game is happening.
Also, if mingling is like wearing a sign, you have a better chance at making it to the next step if you have a "catchy sign." Physical appearance is very important to this step because people use your appearance to determine a lot about you in a little amount of time. People who look their best tend to advance through this step quicker than those who do not.

Step 2: Dating

Definition:
Dating is coming together with other individuals with the objective of getting to know them better. Going on a "date" does not mean that you are a couple, it just means that you want to know more about the other person.

Historical References:
Traditionally, men have been responsible for inviting women on dates. This was because men had the money and means to do so whereas women didn't earn their own money and weren't allowed to venture out into the world unaccompanied. We don't live in that time period anymore, in fact if you want to get married these days you will have to have a job (men & women).

What you have control over:
You may not have much control over whether other people ask you out on a date, but during the mingling stage you can drop subtle hints in casual conversation that you might be interested in spending some alone time with them.
If you don't like sitting around wasting away or you think you might miss a good opportunity, you do, in fact, have control over asking them out. We live in the 20-teens, gender equality is already here or fast approaching, it would be perfectly normal for a woman who has some steady income to invite a man on a date.

Things to consider:
The objective of dating is to get to know the other person. This doesn't mean that you instantly like the person or that you want to marry them or are considering it, it means that you want to get to know them. You can go on dates and make great long-term friends out of people, in fact, it might be a good strategy to approach this step with the attitude that you want to go on dates with people who you want to be good friends with.
After you go on a few dates with the same person, then you can decide where you want to take your relationship. After a couple of dates, not all relationships need to turn into long-term romantic relationships however at some point early on it is generally considered polite and respectful to indicate to the other person what your intentions are going into the future with them.
While you are still in the dating phase, it is okay to go on dates with many different people. At this step you shouldn't be making any commitments to anyone, just focus on having fun and getting to know the other person.

Step 3: Courting

Definition:
Most people get confused by terminology at this point; "courting" is what most people call "dating"--it's dating exclusively. The objective of courting is to prepare for eventual marriage and to practice making commitments to each other. You should only begin courting (or dating exclusively) if you intend to get married to that person. If you aren't sure whether you would be comfortable marrying them, or if your relationship has a known ending condition, then you should not exclusively date him or her. Spend some more time getting to know him or her by going back to dating. Courting is reserved to preparing for marriage--and trust me, there is a lot to prepare for, even if you aren't engaged!

Historical References:
Historically,  this has been called courting but young people a couple generations ago started calling it "dating" for whatever reason ("they're dating," "he has been dating her for three months"). Don't get confused by the terminology because by twisting the terminology it also confuses the differences between going on a date, exclusively dating someone, and preparing for marriage.
Modern trends tend to include other steps in the process before making it to the courting phase, probably partly influenced by the terminology shift. Some people consider "being engaged" as the "courting" phase and some people call "living together" the courting phase. The terminology doesn't matter, just that there is a distinct phase where the objectives are to take more risks, practice making commitments, and prepare for marriage.

What you have control over:
You don't have to go directly into courting; as I mentioned above, some people add extra steps that are mixtures between step two and step three. Relationships are very fluid and malleable and can change based on needs. Courting is a necessary step, but you have control over when and how you do it and what rules there are behind it. You can define "exclusivity" in whatever way you want, and your preparations for marriage can take months or years. Gear your courtship towards your own needs and the needs of your partner.

Things to consider:
Mutual consent is the most important aspect of this step. Some people call it "communication," but what they mean is that you both know and understand where your relationship is headed because you have talked about it. You have to refer back to the original plan periodically, either to keep you committed to the original plan or to adjust your plans to compensate for changes and new discoveries.


Step 4: Marriage

Definition: 
This is going to sound jaunted at first when you read it, but Modern Marriage is an agreement between two people to strictly follow a set of terms. For most people the terms are: stay together until death or forever, to put their spouse above everything else, care for them, divide your wealth equally, and commit not to have sex with anyone else. Not everyone marries for those reasons though and not everyone has a formal ceremony to signify that they are married, the formal acceptance of terms is what is important.

Historical References:
Society has governed the purpose, and limits, of marriage for centuries. Traditionally, marriage has been sanctioned by the state when instigated between one man and one woman. It has generally been influenced and governed by religion. The last 100 years of human history have seen changes to the institution of marriage and it is safe to assume that changes will continue to be made. The common characteristic of marriage, that has been preserved through these changes, is the mutual consent to follow a set of rules.

What you have control over:
These days, you can set whatever terms you want--provided that you both agree to those terms. Tradition makes suggestions of how your marriage should be and what kind of agreements you should make. Your religion, your family, your friends, your community, they all have an opinion of how your marriage relationship should work; however, you and your potential spouse have complete control over the specifics. You don't have to rely on everyone else's opinions, in fact, if you want your marriage to be spectacular you will have to gear it towards yourself rather than other people because when all is said and done the commitment that you make to the other person is something you have to live with not these other people.

Things to Consider:
In order to make a good decision with marriage you will have to have a high level of confidence in your decision. You will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life (even if you divorce, the repercussions are life-long, even if you planned for and agreed upon divorce at some point and even if you never separate--it will forever change you). The marriage agreement will have a greater impact on your life than any other decision, so make sure you understand the terms you are agreeing to and you understand and trust the person you are making those agreements with, that they understand and agree to the terms as well.
With my life-coaching services, I like to take this into an official discussion where I sit down with my client couple and we discuss 11 key areas that every couple should have a set of terms/rules about for their marriage and then we work on finding a collaborative solution (rather than compromise or avoidance tactic) to each of the key areas. It is a good bonding process and helps both of you come to understand one another better and builds more trust into your relationship. I could guide you through this process in one or two, 1-hour sessions for ($20 each). If you don't sign up for services I would recommend that you at least sit down with your partner and talk about important conflict areas, such as household roles, children, money, and sex.