Dreams and Visions, Part 1: Don't let Fear Hold you Back

[People usually think that dreams are elusive and unattainable, or that what is perfect or ideal is impossible or improbable, that is fear speaking]

I wanted to write a motivating article on obtaining success, but as I wrote this I realized there are two topics I need to address and it started to get messy trying to cover both at the same time. So, lucky you, I broke it up into two articles;

Using words to describe this topic is difficult and constrained because our language doesn't have the perfect terms that are universally understood, so when I say "dreams" or "success" or "vision"s, the following articles are how I believe you should understand them. Since this blog is about relationships, you can think of this as your ideal relationship, the perfect scenario where you have an amazing relationship with another person.



The hardest part of getting exactly what you want out of life is coming up with the dream or vision for it. Most people are under the opinion that it is more difficult to achieve your goals, but I'm going to explain to you why the actual process of reaching your dreams is easy--deciding what you want to reach is the difficult part because it requires you to tap into the creative energy deep inside of you, or a better way of thinking about this is that to have visions, you have to make something out of nothing. Once you have a vision of where you want to go, it is much easier to gather the resources, do what needs to be done, and then one day arrive.
To have visions and to dream is nothing that I can help you with. Sorry, but nothing I tell you, or anyone can tell you, will make you dream better or define success. It is an individual journey that you must take on your own. You can't ask other people to help you come up with dreams for yourself, it just doesn't work that way, as I hope you will figure out the more you read.
If you can dream it, you can make it happen. The act of having visions of the future requires your mind to constrain itself to some degree of reality. If you are dreaming the right way--and of course you are--then for your dream to be desirable, there must be elements of the truth attached to it. Your mind turns the near reality into fantasy by devising some plausible--if unlikely--scenario that could unfold to make this ideal, visionary scenario happen. In other words, if you dream it up, then there has to be one or more ways that it can become real--and your subconscious knows, even if you don't.
That leads to the second hardest part about dreaming; wanting it. If you don't want the dream, desire the dream, and believe in the dream, then there is no way you'll obtain it. To have a real vision, to discover your passion, or to truly dream, you have to start by wanting something, and to keep thinking about and wanting for that thing to happen until you have a pretty general idea of how it will happen.

Alright, so you're starting to get that, but what is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams, or fulfilling your visions? I see the answer to this question coming down to two categories. First, you don't believe in it enough; or second, you believe in it too much.

Part 1 - Not believing in it enough

Not believing in your dreams enough comes in a couple of different forms. We do this when we think our dreams are unattainable, when we think they aren't meant to be, or when we tell ourselves that they are just fantasies. With our relationships, we might think that we aren't good enough to be with a certain person or that that special, superb relationship will never happen for us because we're not worthy. Sometimes we aren't believing enough in our dream when we say that we don't know how to make it happen.

To clarify, people who don't think they are worthy of their dreams might say things like, "it's not in me to reach this," or, "I don't think I have earned it," or "I'm not ready, I need to work on myself more," or they might flat-out blame themselves and say, "it's my own fault."--Sadly, these statements are all true...but, if you are saying them, that means you have acknowledged them and by that point they are completely false.
--This is where language tends to constrain this concept. As I mentioned earlier, there is no functional way for me to explain this. If you don't believe in your dreams, then you are making that lack of belief come true; but when you believe firmly in your dreams, that is when you start to make them come true.

Those who think the reason they aren't achieving their dreams is because they don't know how to do it might say things like, "I don't have the skill." Or, they might say, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong," or, "I don't know if I'm doing anything right." They might even say something as silly as, "No one will teach me how," or, "I haven't learned how." --All of this is preposterous! If you say these things, then yes, you are correct (again.) You don't know how, no one has taught you, and no one will tell you what to do because they don't know. No one has written the textbook on how to do whatever it is you want to achieve because no one is an expert yet. You must be that expert. This is your opening in life to greatness--no one has been there before, no one has trod that journey. It is up to you to fill in that void in the world that only you were able to see because you took the time to dream it up and have visions of it.
There comes a time in every greatness story where the guru is surpassed by the student. This is because the student took everything that the guru could possibly teach him or her and then realized that their guru was never able to get any better because they lacked a clear vision of what it takes to be the best, and when the student is able to see that vision, it is not difficult to get from being this inferior pipsqueek that isn't capable of doing things on their own and morphing into this confident, competent and completely capable individual who ranks among the best. --is that not what we all desire when we have a vision of something?

Both the lack of know-how and the belief that we are unworthy come down to one thing and one thing only: Fear.
--Again, language breaks down at this point, but the correct term is "Fear." If you argue out both of these things in your mind they inevitably come down to being afraid. Either because you don't know and fear what is going to happen when you venture into the unknown, or because you think something bad will happen to you because of your inadequacy.
Imagine a scenario in which you must take a leap over a giant, deadly hole. If you are inadequate--that is to say, that you don't have sufficient skill to clear the gap, then you will fall and die. On the other hand, if you don't take a leap, then what does it matter if you are inadequate?--why do you worry so much over something that you aren't going to do? Why worry about taking the leap that may possibly reach your goals, if you never intended to take that leap? --Yes, it is scary, and that is pure fear. Fear is what is holding you back from taking the leap--it isn't your inadequacy and it isn't that something bad is going to happen to you, because until you try for the thing you never really know that you are inadequate, and if you take the leap and fail, but are still able to take that leap over and over and over, then the real battle isn't over your inadequacy--you have proven you are adequate enough to take the chance again--it is a battle against the fear that maybe this next time you will actually clear the gap. You fear succeeding more than you fear failure.

Fear is the real enemy that is keeping you from having the most amazing relationships of your life. Fear is the only thing that opposes you, everything else stems from fear. All of your inadequacies stem from the fear that you aren't good enough, and all of the worry you have about being a failure--that worry is actually fear. So label it correctly.

If you can conquer fear, then nothing will stop you from achieving your dreams.

As I said in the beginning, achieving your goals isn't hard. That is the easy part because all you must do is conquer whatever fear hides behind that goal and then you'll reach that goal. The hard part is really dreaming--finding the things that you really believe in and want passionately. If you dream of having an outstanding, spectacular relationship with the person of your dreams. Then you should make a point to challenge fear at every opportunity. Anything that scares you, do it, don't think about it. If that means approaching someone to introduce yourself, do it. If that means admitting to yourself, and possibly to the other person that you are attracted to them or completely in love with them, don't hesitate, just do it. Or, if that means you need to confront a conflict you are having with another person, don't avoid the situation, confront it head on, because your dream of having that amazing relationship is worth it. You're worth it, and all it will take for you to realize that is to face your fear.



Part 2 coming soon!

What you don't realize about Abuse

This podcast is about abuse.




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Everyone has probably felt--and been--abused before, so I hope this is useful for a lot of people. Abuse is common, and no one wants to be abused or be an abuser because we are raised to know that it is wrong or bad. The problem is that even when we know it is a bad thing, we still accidentally abuse those we love and still get into abusive relationships without realizing it.

Here are a few key points about abuse:

• Abuse is any time that another person unfairly prevents you from fulfilling your basic needs--and they do it in order to maintain control over you. They then use that control to get their needs met and either minimally fulfill your needs or do not fulfill your needs at all. 
• The ideal situation for an abuser is to find themselves in a situation where, with minimal effort on their part, they keep you fulfilling their needs. 
• Abusers want to get you "hooked" on them by making you feel obligated to them either by making you believe that you owe them, or by appealing to your niceness--making you think that you are not being nice to them and need to be nicer, or by appealing to your nice, giving personality because they know you will always be nice to them. 
• Abusive relationships are different from short-term relationships. A short-term relationship can be severely one-sided--one person benefits drastically more than the other--but the fact that it is a short term relationship means it will end the moment that it becomes.
• Long-term relationships can never survive if they are abusive. If your relationship starts off with some degree of abuse, don't expect it to change or improve. 
• In fact, the chances of them making permanent changes are slim to none, especially if you are "hooked" already. This is because you have already allowed them to be in a high-power, low-risk position. They can remain the same and still maintain their lifestyle and be unaffected whereas you must change to keep them in your life. 
• You should be independent Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is in you--you are born with the capability--to be independent in these three big ways. --If you aren't right now, that is okay, but it should be your number one priority to obtain physical, mental, and emotional self-sufficiency from other people. 
• Not everyone is abusive, even if it appears that you may never find them.--you will, don't give up!
• Sometimes people are unknowingly abusive (yourself included). 
• If you are abusing others and you suddenly recognize it, change now and apologize to those you have abused. 
• If others are abusing you, and you suspect they do so unknowingly, treat the situation like you would any other conflict and seek out a win-win solution that allows both of you to get what you want. 
• If conflict resolution doesn't seem to change things for you, or the other person changes and then drifts back into abusive behavior, then the best thing you can do is walk away and create some distance. You don't have to end the relationship completely, but you do have to change it completely.
• Some ways in which you might be required to change are:
• Change the relationship type--change how you define the relationship, what you do with that person, and how involved and invested you are in their life.
• End the "seriousness" of the relationship--if you are in a serious, long-term relationship with them, you may need to end it and return to being just friends.
• Move out of the house--If you are living together, whether family, spouse, or significant other, it can be very beneficial to move out and live separately for a time--or indefinitely.
• Establish firm boundaries until you have obtained enough independence and confidence that you can return to them on good terms and not be abused.
• Things will never, and should never return to how they once were, before or during the abuse. The good parts of the relationship that you had in the beginning were what led up to the abusive parts of the relationship. It is a common mis-belief by the abused that the relationship will return to what it once was. It cannot, because the moment that it does, it will start down the same path it did previously which ended in abuse. You MUST change the relationship if you want to get over the abuse. 

I'm not a firm believer in ever ending a relationship, but if you are in an abusive relationship right now, you definitely need to create some space, establish new boundaries, and change the relationship before you can continue with it.

This comes from my experience dealing with my own abusive relationships and helping others deal with and break free from theirs, so it is a very personal topic for me. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help getting out, please text me, I'm here to help: [801]690.1495

Relationship Compatibility

This is my attempt to weigh in on all this talk about "Compatibility."

You hear people talk about their "must haves" with their relationships, including going as far as to mention height, hair color, and eye color. Online sites are notorious for this behavior and some even claim they have algorithms that predict compatibility.

What a bunch of garbage! Everyone is compatible with everyone!

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• Relationships are not rigid. People use words to describe their relationships, they don't use relationships to define words--a cheap way of saying: don't go around looking to make "Friends" or a "Husband/Wife" go around trying to form good relationships with everyone and then describe those relationships using your own words--be original.

• Your "must haves" are really just justifications for not forming a relationship with someone and come down to choices you are making, not choices they have made. When you say that things wouldn't work out with you and another person and then to deny a relationship with them on the grounds that they, "don't believe in god," "aren't a college graduate," "aren't pretty enough," "have tattoos," "don't live the lifestyle that you want to live," etc, you are saying, "I am better than you," "I'm too ethnocentric, racist, prejudice, sexist, or otherwise to have a relationship with you."--This is the definition of a snob and unless you've got all of the relationships you need in life, you had better not be a snob.

• When someone expresses interest in you, they aren't asking you to sleep with them, have their kids, or marry them; they are asking to get to know you (or that they would like you to get to know them). It isn't that difficult to learn something new about someone you don't know--and it's not a bad thing to share things about yourself with someone you don't know. Plus, you have an opportunity to benefit from this other person by trading them what they want for what you want. 

• Whenever someone expresses an interest in you, they are giving you a gift. They are giving you a part of themselves, for free, and they are taking away some of the risk involved in getting to know them. What do you do when someone gives you a gift? Do you take it graciously, or do you throw it away because it's not good enough for you? 

• Lastly, it is impossible to make a decision about whether a relationship would work with someone unless you spend at least a year with them--so when you rule people out based on quick decisions of the moment, you are playing on your own biases and are probably wrong. Don't make quick decisions!

Instead of looking at potential relationships and saying that you don't have time to waste on certain people who don't fit your strict criteria, try looking at life with the attitude, "where can I find a place for you?" 

Cycle 3: Expecting too Much

This is the fourth podcast in this series about relationship cycles. Let me recap the previous podcasts:

1. Introduction to Relationship Cycles
2. A Common Relationship Cycle: Blaming Others
3. Another Common Relationship Cycle: Walking Away

And now this Common Relationship Cycle: Expecting too much

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Just under 17 min :)

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We all have expectations when we form any kind of relationship (business, friendship, romantic, short-term, etc)

You probably won't find anyone who meets your expectations 100% and even if you do, it will be difficult to attract or hold on to those individuals if you can't be 100% of their expectations as well.

This cycle works like this:

1. You're fine
2. You recognize that the other person isn't meeting your expectations
3. You are repelled by that person
4. You write them off or cross them off of your list


Having high expectations sets you up to be desperate; when you perceive that the real deal has come along, you would give anything to hold onto them--and that's dangerous!

There is no reason to end any relationship. You can always find some form of relationship--that benefits both of you--for everyone you meet.

If you fall into this cycle, what you are really doing is saying that you don't believe in the power of change (for yourself or for the other person). People change every day. People change based on the people they associate with, are friends with, spend time with and talk to regularly.

You aren't helping yourself any by having high expectations of others, in fact: A) You don't have the benefits of relationships because you don't keep them for long, B) You don't develop relationship skills because it requires relationships to develop these, C) You are wasting your time today in hopes of something tomorrow...that may never come.

To break this cycle you need to fight the urge to cross people off of your list. It is difficult to change your expectations of other people (and that's called settling anyway and isn't always a good thing). It is also difficult to fight the urge to be repelled by other people (step 3). Like the other cycles it is easiest to break the cycle on the fourth step: instead of writing people off of your list, continue in the relationship, reframe it (Which I will talk about in my next podcast!), and believe in the power of change--that they will change and you will change and that you will both still benefit from the relationship.

There is no "one true love" and there are no distinctions between people who are "Right for you" and people who are "wrong for you." EVERYONE is right for you if you are just devoted to the relationship; and if you are truly devoted you will develop the relationship skills necessary to make this relationship work.

Cycle 1: Blaming others

I will be podcasting about 3 common relationship cycles.

The first is as follows:

1. Things are fine
2. Someone says or does something to trigger an emotion in you
3. You react by: A) retaliating, or B) blowing up at them
4. You do whatever you can to get back to normal.

Remember, cycles are patterns. These are things you do over and over with or without realizing it. If you do this pattern, you need to correct it before you're going to progress from okay relationships (or no relationships) to having good or Great Relationships. Meaningful ones that you want to keep.



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3 Steps to resolve this cycle:

1. Address the emotion and name it
2. Think about what you were going to do or what would you do normally (or what DID you do?)
3. Think about what can you do differently to resolve this and come out ahead in the future? (Think: How can I approach this and get closer to the other person rather than further apart?)

A few other things I talk about in this podcast:
The Ad Hominem Fallacy - Where you infer or apply additional beliefs or aspects about the other person based on one instance of them saying or doing something in the present. Ad Hominem translates to: "to the person" and is referring to a persons character or your perception of their character. Resorting to Ad Hominem assumptions about a person can slow (or stop!) the progression of a good relationship.

Walking on Eggshells - When you set your relationship up so that whenever someone triggers an emotion in you, you attribute that emotion to the other person as if it is their fault. (Think: "You made me angry because you side with someone I disagree with" or "You made me sad that you don't care enough about me to call or text me")

Black and White Relationships - When your relationship becomes so extreme that it becomes a list of rules and if the other person breaks one of the rules they're out or they are at fault and you are in the right. This is bad because people will inevitably make mistakes and then you'll find yourself punishing them more often then enjoying them.

One Liners:
Your emotions are your responsibility.




This one is just over 27 min... I'm still working on the podcast medium and hopefully I'll be able to shorten these in the future (ideally to about 10 min)


Follow the links to the right to continue to the next podcast, or go directly there by clicking here.

Introduction to Relationship Cycles

Certain cycles in your life are holding you back, and it's time for you to take control and change them. This is part 1 of an in-depth series on relationship cycles. Step one is to recognize that relationship cycles exist, whether you want them to or not.

Instead of writing a full article, I decided to make my very first podcast. --I realize that it's not very emotional and I drift into a type of monotone that might sooth you to sleep, but the information is there so I hope you make it to the end!--In my next podcast I'll have to put a little more emotion into it. I was alone in a room this time so maybe next time I'll have a live audience for it?




[if this player doesn't work, try downloading the mp3 file: download]

Relationship Cycles are simple: 1- You go along like normal. 2 - Something happens that affects you 3- You react to it and then 4- there is some sort of resolution phase were you do something--anything--to get back to your normal state. Then you carry on like normal until something similar happens and you react the same way and resolve it the same way and return to normal again. You do not have control over what happens to you; and although you can train your subconscious out of the triggers, and the reactions you have to those triggers, it is very difficult to control that area of your life.
 What you do have a lot of control over is how you resolve these cycles. If you are aware of the relationship cycle, and you understand the triggers and how you normally resolve these cycles, then you gain control over the cycle itself and you can make a conscious decision about how you're going to let it affect you. If you control the cycle, you can improve your relationships and ultimately make them more fulfilling for you.
Cycles are an excellent way to keep you in the same spot in life, but most of us are not interested in staying in the same spot, most of us have goals and dreams that we want to achieve and so getting beyond the cycles is going to help you reach your relationship goals and dreams, including: growing closer to people rather than further away, really resolving conflicts so that they don't keep popping up, and getting more out of the relationships you presently have. Improving this area of your life will make a huge difference in EVERY area of your life because relationships are connected to every aspect of your life.


P.S. Sorry about the volume--I'll fix that later today. (be prepared to turn down your speakers)


Follow the links to the right to continue, or view the next podcast here.

The Truth about the Risks of having Relationships

From my experience, the number one overlooked principle about relationships is that "all relationships are risks."

To be in a relationship means you are taking a risk that the other person will deliver on your expectations and they too (hopefully) are relying on you to deliver on their expectations. This applies to ALL relationships: parents to children, husband to wife, boyfriend to girlfriend, friend to friend, human to pet, co-worker to co-worker, etc. It is a simple concept in this form, but the implications are much more grand:

• Risks require an investment--something needs to be on the line--something needs to be at stake. Whenever you take a risk, you are hoping that the investment will outweigh the outcome.

• A common response to risk is fear, humans have a natural fear of the unknown and risks imply that the outcome is unknown. We feel uncomfortable and out of place when we don't know what will happen and sometimes we feel frustrated because we don't have full control over the shape of the outcome or our relationship after it has started forming.

• Generally, the word "Trust" gets associated with "Relationships," but sometimes we put too much emphasis on trusting and not enough on the risk itself. Let me clarify what I mean: if they do what we expect, then we trust them; if they do anything that is unexpected, they step on our toes, or they trigger negative feelings, then we don't trust them. When we don't trust them, we retract the amount of risk we are taking on them and eventually they retract as well in response.

If you want to have a great, fulfilling, trusting relationship, you have to start by looking beyond fear. Fear is an emotion that influences your decisions just as logic can influence your decisions. Instead of fearing the unknown, you should embrace the unknown--you should look forward to the good feelings it triggers inside of you and the experiences you might gain from the relationship rather than reflecting on the possible failure.

Relationships are risks, and you waste a lot of life trying to minimize those risks and worrying whether things will turn out the way you would like them to. Humans aren't perfect, everyone makes mistakes, everyone will step on your toes and probably trigger your negative feelings if you stick around them long enough, but that is one of the risks you take by having a relationship with someone.

I'm not advocating irrational behavior, but sometimes our fear of the unknown slows the growth of our relationships when there need not be any slowing. Relationships require you to take risks and because we fear an unknown outcome we take really tiny steps and increase our commitment to the other person at a turtle's pace. We claim that because we don't know them well enough or haven't been with them long enough that we need to be cautious and so we slow down our relationships progression.

You are in a relationship, taking risks, because you want that other person to stay around and you want to get to know that person better and experience life with them. You can never know everything about the other person, nor should you; and you can't expect to know how to respond to everything they throw your way--people change, people aren't perfect or uniform and sometimes they aren't consistent and they will surprise you. Until the circumstance is actually in play, you can't accurately gauge how they will respond to it, even if you see them in similar situations prior to it. No matter what you do to prevent it, a relationship will always be a risk but if you focus on the benefits of relationships, the risk is always worth it.

When Flirting Goes Too Far (You're Just Being Rude)

(I changed the picture back to the original)

Flirting" is a difficult word to define in the English language, which makes it difficult to understand the concepts behind it. Philosophers the world over have had trouble describing, and therefore teaching the masses how to flirt is a difficult process. Here is my attempt: Flirting is one of a few mating practices performed by individuals to build a connection, express interest, and create excitement with each other. Flirting can, at times, be confusing, even for the expert flirt. Flirting is a higher-level form of communication that may incorporate one or more of the following elements: words, ideas, thoughts, body-language, symbols, aromas, or actions.
The things that pass for flirting with one individual can convey the opposite message to another individual, typically because of differences in cultural or social background. The opposite of flirting is being offensive.

I will be breaking the rest of this article into a series of three parts:
1. Flirty Words, Ideas, and Thoughts
2. Flirty Body-Language, Symbols, Aromas and Actions
3. Offensive Flirting

Part 3: When Not to Flirt

Flirting is a good supplement to any romantic relationship but it is not the main component. Romantic relationships require a mixture of excitement and seriousness. Having too much of one or the other will create conflicts between you and your significant other. Timing is crucial: knowing when to flirt and when not to flirt is the key to avoiding these conflicts.

I have composed lists of times when it is generally acceptable to flirt and when it is generally not a good idea to flirt:

Generally Acceptable Flirting Times

1. When you first meet someone flirting can be a great start to the relationship because it sets the tone for future flirting and excitement later down the road.
2. If he or she is particularly quiet or shy when you are around him or her, you can start a conversation more easily when you start it with flirting.
3. At any time, if you feel like you are getting bored and would like to have more fun with the other person it is okay to initiate flirting and hope that they will flirt back.
4. When the other person flirts with you and you are interested in them, it is okay to flirt back.

Generally Unacceptable Flirting Times

1. If the other person is in a particularly bad mood, it is in your best interst not to flirt with them because it can lead you to becoming a target of their poor mood.
2. When you need to convey important information or teach the other person something, flirting can prevent them from taking the information seriously, or worse, it can embarrass them.
3. If you do not have any interest in the other person, you should not flirt with them, regardless of how fun it might be. Flirting helps build relationships--when you engage in it you are building a relationship--and when you really do not want a relationship with the person you are flirting with, you are giving them the wrong impression and building a type of relationship that you ultimately do not want.
4. If the other person becomes agitated by your attempts to flirt with them, or if they are not flirting back, it may mean that you have offended them or that they want some serious time.
5. If you have to cross relationships boundaries that you shouldn't be crossing--if they make you or the other person uncomfortable--then you should immediately stop flirting. Continuing to flirt can damage the relationship that you have already spent so much energy trying to build.

Aside from timing, misunderstandings and misinterpretations can also lead to conflicts. Sometimes misunderstandings happen due to differences in culture or background. If you sense that what you are saying or what you are doing isn't being interpreted in the way that you intend, you may need to take a time out to clarify or take a break from flirting for tensions to die down.

Flirting is only effective if both sides are having fun. Watch their body language and listen to the things they are saying and you can avoid most conflicts of this nature.

3 Tips on How to Attract Perfect 10s

A Perfect 10 is the term used for a girl or guy who, in front of a panel of judges, might rank 10 (the highest) on various categories by all judges. Men and women like to use the term on people who have a strong physical appeal, however it can also apply to other attractive characteristics. The term simply means that the person is highly desirable.

Being highly desired, Perfect 10s tend to be approached more often than the average person and gain relationship experience faster. They also tend to develop certain personality traits that either take advantage of the opportunities people give them, or serve to protect them from awkward situations. Being a Perfect 10 gives them a lot more options and decisions, so they become more experienced at taking advantage of things that will help them and rejecting those that might harm them.

1. Focus in on what you can offer

Because they have a lot of options, if you want to win over a Perfect 10 you have to be everything they need AND present that to them the right way. It's not enough to possess the traits that they are looking for, you also have to present that to them in a way that they understand. Think about it this way: to a Perfect 10, the rest of the world is a bunch of people wearing grey sweaters, every now and again someone with a blue sweater comes along, but there are too many people wearing grey sweaters up front for them to notice that someone could be wearing something other than grey in the back. 

Perfect 10s have the privilege of being picky, they have the option to look for something specific. A word of caution: If you don't have what they claim to want, you're not going to make any traction with them. If you are capable of providing them with what they need you will still have to convince them that you have what they need, but not in a way that makes you sound arrogant or desperate. 

Unfortunately, there is no perfect mold that you can fit into to cover all bases. Everyone is different and everyone needs their partner to have a different balance of traits, however a couple of nearly universal, good traits include confidence and a well-kept appearance. 

2. Don't lay down to be walked on

The worst thing you can do is lay down, roll over and let them walk all over you. Most Perfect 10's want a little bit of resistance in their lives to keep things interesting. If you give your everything to them, you'll come across as desperate, and unless they are desperate as well, they won't want anything to do with you. If they see you as a good opportunity, and they sense that you are desperate, they will take whatever you give them and play on your desperation to get the most out of you. If you lay down to be walked over they will use you and when you stop being useful they'll leave.

3. Know when to quit

If you are being used, you need to know when to quit. Being used isn't always a bad thing so long as you are both comfortable with the benefit you are getting from each other. The key is to avoid being over-used, and the only way to prevent that is to know where your boundaries are. At what point will you draw the line? Everyone should have boundaries; if the Perfect 10 you are after crosses your boundaries you need to confront them about it.--Don't assume that you know what their motives are--they may be thinking that you are okay with something simply because you haven't told them where your boundaries are. If they consistently cross your boundaries then you will need to be more strict at enforcing those boundaries; and if you've done everything you can, it might be time to quit pursuing this Perfect 10. 

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If you would like further assistance with winning over a Perfect 10, apply for my life coaching services. I typically charge $20/hr for my services and in a matter like this I could help you win his or her attention in three or less sessions.

How to Reach Marriage the Right Way not the Right Now

Anyone can get married, but not all marriages are stable, secure and beneficial. You want to get married, it's a goal of yours, but you want it to last and you want it to make you the happiest person on earth. To succeed with this goal you'll need to be smart about the entire process and make some crucial decisions now to prepare you for then. If you want to make good decisions, you need to first understand what you're getting into and hopefully this article will enlighten you a little bit.

• You will have to take smaller steps if you want to reach such a massive goal

The easiest way to reach a major goal is to break it down into smaller, more manageable parts. Sometimes it can be difficult to track your progress on bigger goals without breaking them down; and it is easy to get caught up in hopelessness when you don't know if you are making any progress. 

• There are 4 steps that lead to marriage

First, you frequent gathering places and introduce yourself to people with the intent of forming a relationship. Next, you invite some these people (the ones that interest you) to spend time with you outside of the gathering places to get to know them better.

Then, you make an agreement with one of these people to work towards marriage, create plans, and practice making commitments

Finally, you get married and follow through with the plans you made in the previous step.

• These steps can branch into other types of relationships, than marriage, on purpose or on accident

Not all relationships are bound to be marriages. Sometimes you meet people who are incompatible marriage partners but good potential friends. The steps to a good, lifelong friend are similar and might look like this: 1.mingling, 2.dating, 3.friendship. rather than 1.mingling, 2.dating, 3.courting. 

Sometimes the course change happens by your control, such as when you both mutually agree that you merely want to be friends; and sometimes it happens out of your control, such as when the other person decides that they want to pursue other career, spiritual, or life interests that you can't be a part of. 

• There is no "perfect" time limit associated with these steps

Quantity is no indicator of efficiency or quality--if you think being with someone for six months and still not progressing into a courting relationship is absurd, you're looking a things in the wrong way. The purpose of mingling is to form potential relationships--again, not all relationships turn into marriages, or for that matter not everyone you meet will warrant a date. Spending a lot of time in one phase is just an indicator that there are still more things you need to work on. Sometimes you meet people that are direct and make it easy to cover the important parts of each phase you're in with them, other times you meet people who are less focused and it requires a little more work to focus on the important aspects of each phase.

You do yourself a disservice by trying to force the advancement of a relationship for the wrong reasons. You want to get married the right way, not simply right now.

• It is better to start the dating phase with single dates rather than double or group dates

Spending alone time with someone can be awkward when you first try it. If this is something you struggle with, I suggest meeting with me individually for life-coaching because I know of several techniques to help you feel more comfortable in this stage. Group dates or double dates may make you feel less awkward and more "safe," but they start your relationship off in the wrong direction. They substitute immediate safety for later insecurity because when you do make the leap into alone time with that person you, or they, still rely (and sometimes retain) support from their previous group mates. Bi-lateral relationships aren't a social affair, even though they start out as such in mingling, so it's best not to encourage the development of multi-lateral relationships from the get-go.

On the other hand, if you're looking to start a polyamorous or polygamous relationship you would be ahead to do a lot of group dating because you will build your relationship on a multi-lateral rather than bi-lateral relationship dynamic. Like I always say: build the type of relationship you want from the very beginning. 

• Courting gives you the opportunity to plan with, and to practice committing to, your partner

Most marriage types emphasize long-term commitment and shared goals/objectives, which requires a lot of trust. Before you can satisfy your need to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you need to see a pattern from your partner of commitment and trust. Essentially, you need to observe your partner following through with the little things and then you can trust that they will follow through on the big things.

This is, by no means, a requirement of a healthy relationship (seeing follow-through of little commitments)--in theory you could have a successful, happy marriage in which you have never made little commitments or never observed your partner fulfilling those commitments, but most people require some concrete evidence before they trust another person with their life. 

Courting is also the time to make plans--to set goals together and to make decisions about how you are going to handle potential future conflict areas. Watching your partner follow the plan, or your partner watching you follow through with the plan builds trust and helps you bond.

• You have a lot more control in building the perfect marriage than you might think!

If you understand the four steps that lead to marriage, you can focus on what's important during each step. Whenever you're mingling your objective should be to meet as many people as possible--not necessarily to get to know them, just to get to know them enough to make a decision about what type of relationship you want to progress with them.
In the dating phase you should focus on getting to know the other person better to decide what type of relationship you want to progress into with them.  I recommend mingling and dating at the same time to improve your chances.
During the courting phase you should focus on building trust and making plans together.
Finally, in marriage you should focus on sticking to the plans and making adjustments as a unit when necessary.
By understanding the steps and focusing on the right things you'll see a lot more success than haphazardly bumbling along and focusing on the wrong things. You control your progression by actively engaging rather than being passive, so if you get stuck in one of the phases, try taking matters into your own hands. This means asking (and planning) dates rather than waiting to be asked, or try having a "relationship talk" if you're stuck with simple dating and not making commitments with someone.

The 4 Steps that Lead to Marriage

Every relationship is different, but romantic relationships tend to progress along the same process: 1) Mingling 2) Dating 3) Courting 4) Marriage. If you dream of one day getting married, you can increase your chances of reaching that goal by encouraging the maturation of this process. This process has happened throughout history and has shaped western culture's mating process.

I have compiled a list of useful information in regards to each of these steps that can help you understand the process and move through it more effectively:

Step 1: Mingling

Definition: Mingling is the introduction phase and can be defined by the word "attendance." You go to parties, attend events, go to gatherings of people with similar interests as you--and you meet people. You put yourself out in the real world so that people can see and interact with you on a basic level and see that you are available. Mingling is the equivalent of wearing a sign that says: I am open for relationships (romantic or otherwise).

Historical References:
Remember that anciently there was less interaction between people because occupations of the time required more time alone, such as farming. There was very little office romance and so society developed methods (and locations) to bring people together to mingle, such as holiday celebrations at town center for town members, religious celebrations at church for people with similar beliefs and values, and pubs for people who traveled or wanted to meet travelers.

What you have control over:
If you want to make it beyond this step you have to attend these meetings and go to their associated locations. By avoiding social gatherings you are sending a message to the community that you are unavailable. Sitting at home will not help you meet people. You need to be in attendance and interact with other people.
There is a chance that if all you do is attend events, others will come to you to interact, however, you have more control over this step if you make an attempt to interact with those people who you are interested in advancing with.

Things to consider:
Some events have an agenda and not all events allow for mingling. For example, many religious activities allow for mingling before or after but not during religious services, and Superbowl parties generally have a before or after party where you can mingle as well, but generally people don't interact or introduce themselves to those they don't know while the game is happening.
Also, if mingling is like wearing a sign, you have a better chance at making it to the next step if you have a "catchy sign." Physical appearance is very important to this step because people use your appearance to determine a lot about you in a little amount of time. People who look their best tend to advance through this step quicker than those who do not.

Step 2: Dating

Definition:
Dating is coming together with other individuals with the objective of getting to know them better. Going on a "date" does not mean that you are a couple, it just means that you want to know more about the other person.

Historical References:
Traditionally, men have been responsible for inviting women on dates. This was because men had the money and means to do so whereas women didn't earn their own money and weren't allowed to venture out into the world unaccompanied. We don't live in that time period anymore, in fact if you want to get married these days you will have to have a job (men & women).

What you have control over:
You may not have much control over whether other people ask you out on a date, but during the mingling stage you can drop subtle hints in casual conversation that you might be interested in spending some alone time with them.
If you don't like sitting around wasting away or you think you might miss a good opportunity, you do, in fact, have control over asking them out. We live in the 20-teens, gender equality is already here or fast approaching, it would be perfectly normal for a woman who has some steady income to invite a man on a date.

Things to consider:
The objective of dating is to get to know the other person. This doesn't mean that you instantly like the person or that you want to marry them or are considering it, it means that you want to get to know them. You can go on dates and make great long-term friends out of people, in fact, it might be a good strategy to approach this step with the attitude that you want to go on dates with people who you want to be good friends with.
After you go on a few dates with the same person, then you can decide where you want to take your relationship. After a couple of dates, not all relationships need to turn into long-term romantic relationships however at some point early on it is generally considered polite and respectful to indicate to the other person what your intentions are going into the future with them.
While you are still in the dating phase, it is okay to go on dates with many different people. At this step you shouldn't be making any commitments to anyone, just focus on having fun and getting to know the other person.

Step 3: Courting

Definition:
Most people get confused by terminology at this point; "courting" is what most people call "dating"--it's dating exclusively. The objective of courting is to prepare for eventual marriage and to practice making commitments to each other. You should only begin courting (or dating exclusively) if you intend to get married to that person. If you aren't sure whether you would be comfortable marrying them, or if your relationship has a known ending condition, then you should not exclusively date him or her. Spend some more time getting to know him or her by going back to dating. Courting is reserved to preparing for marriage--and trust me, there is a lot to prepare for, even if you aren't engaged!

Historical References:
Historically,  this has been called courting but young people a couple generations ago started calling it "dating" for whatever reason ("they're dating," "he has been dating her for three months"). Don't get confused by the terminology because by twisting the terminology it also confuses the differences between going on a date, exclusively dating someone, and preparing for marriage.
Modern trends tend to include other steps in the process before making it to the courting phase, probably partly influenced by the terminology shift. Some people consider "being engaged" as the "courting" phase and some people call "living together" the courting phase. The terminology doesn't matter, just that there is a distinct phase where the objectives are to take more risks, practice making commitments, and prepare for marriage.

What you have control over:
You don't have to go directly into courting; as I mentioned above, some people add extra steps that are mixtures between step two and step three. Relationships are very fluid and malleable and can change based on needs. Courting is a necessary step, but you have control over when and how you do it and what rules there are behind it. You can define "exclusivity" in whatever way you want, and your preparations for marriage can take months or years. Gear your courtship towards your own needs and the needs of your partner.

Things to consider:
Mutual consent is the most important aspect of this step. Some people call it "communication," but what they mean is that you both know and understand where your relationship is headed because you have talked about it. You have to refer back to the original plan periodically, either to keep you committed to the original plan or to adjust your plans to compensate for changes and new discoveries.


Step 4: Marriage

Definition: 
This is going to sound jaunted at first when you read it, but Modern Marriage is an agreement between two people to strictly follow a set of terms. For most people the terms are: stay together until death or forever, to put their spouse above everything else, care for them, divide your wealth equally, and commit not to have sex with anyone else. Not everyone marries for those reasons though and not everyone has a formal ceremony to signify that they are married, the formal acceptance of terms is what is important.

Historical References:
Society has governed the purpose, and limits, of marriage for centuries. Traditionally, marriage has been sanctioned by the state when instigated between one man and one woman. It has generally been influenced and governed by religion. The last 100 years of human history have seen changes to the institution of marriage and it is safe to assume that changes will continue to be made. The common characteristic of marriage, that has been preserved through these changes, is the mutual consent to follow a set of rules.

What you have control over:
These days, you can set whatever terms you want--provided that you both agree to those terms. Tradition makes suggestions of how your marriage should be and what kind of agreements you should make. Your religion, your family, your friends, your community, they all have an opinion of how your marriage relationship should work; however, you and your potential spouse have complete control over the specifics. You don't have to rely on everyone else's opinions, in fact, if you want your marriage to be spectacular you will have to gear it towards yourself rather than other people because when all is said and done the commitment that you make to the other person is something you have to live with not these other people.

Things to Consider:
In order to make a good decision with marriage you will have to have a high level of confidence in your decision. You will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life (even if you divorce, the repercussions are life-long, even if you planned for and agreed upon divorce at some point and even if you never separate--it will forever change you). The marriage agreement will have a greater impact on your life than any other decision, so make sure you understand the terms you are agreeing to and you understand and trust the person you are making those agreements with, that they understand and agree to the terms as well.
With my life-coaching services, I like to take this into an official discussion where I sit down with my client couple and we discuss 11 key areas that every couple should have a set of terms/rules about for their marriage and then we work on finding a collaborative solution (rather than compromise or avoidance tactic) to each of the key areas. It is a good bonding process and helps both of you come to understand one another better and builds more trust into your relationship. I could guide you through this process in one or two, 1-hour sessions for ($20 each). If you don't sign up for services I would recommend that you at least sit down with your partner and talk about important conflict areas, such as household roles, children, money, and sex.

Advice For Short-Term Relationships

I want to open this article by making a statement about ethics as they relate to relationships. At times, ethics can be a controversial topic so I'm going to try to be as P.C. as possible:

Whenever you form a relationship that purposely benefits you more than the other person, you're acting unethically. 

That means, if you purposely lead another person to believe that your relationship with them will be long-term and you only intend to have a short-term relationship, then you are acting unethically. It also means that if you form a competitive relationship with someone who does not stand to gain from a competitive relationship, then you are acting unethically. 

Therefore, using my classification guide, Players, Hogs, and King/Queen-servant relationships are inherently unethical. 80/20, 60/40, 70/30 (etc) relationships are not unethical whereas King-Servant and Queen-servant relationships are; because in an 80/20 relationship the person on the smaller half of the line's interests are being taken care of and they benefit from the relationship. By definition a relationship Hog or Player, by definition, is unethical as well because one person is getting advantage of the other person. 

Not all short-term relationships are unethical. Short-term relationships can be very fulfilling and functional provided that both individuals gain some sort of benefit and both individuals know under what terms the relationship will be ending. Not every relationship that you enter into needs to last forever, but every relationship that you enter into should offer some sort of benefit to you and to the other person. 

The rest of this article I am going to divide into two parts: 1. How to establish ethical Short-term Relationships (STRs), and 2. How to avoid being sucked into Short-term Relationships.

1.  How to establish good, ethical STRs

Acting ethically when you create short-term relationships is important because it will limit the number of problems you run into later on. The last thing you need to have happen is for someone's feelings to get hurt and to make your life miserable from that point on (there are some crazy people out there!) Acting ethically when you form relationships will limit conflict and can actually help you get what you want out of the relationship more easily. 

There are two things you will need to consider when you attempt to form a short term relationship:
First, consider that before you begin to meet your needs you will need to establish an agreement between you and the other person. You will have to indicate to the other person that your relationship with them will eventually end; and you will have to be clear about what you want to gain from your relationship with them.

If you are stuck working on a project with an individual who you don't necessarily like, coming to them openly about how you want to put differences aside so you can focus on your work until the project is over will help you establish an ethical (ceasefire) relationship.
If you and a friend are attracted to one another but don't believe you have long-term potential, then having a conversation with them about how you want to be friends with benefits until one of you finds a new love interest will no only create an ethical short-term relationship, but it will also help you fulfill your wants much sooner and more easily.

Second, you have to realize that even after your relationship has ended, you still run the risk of hurting the other person, or being hurt yourself. The subconscious inclination of most people is that when they invest in a relationship they want it to last. Even though you or they may claim (and be, perfectly happy) to form an STR with you [or them], when they [or you] are actually living through the separation point, they [or you] may change their [your] mind. You risk hurting them, and you risk hurting yourself.
For whatever reason, this risk scares people so much that they avoid telling the other person that they are only around for a short amount of time. It can be uncomfortable living in a short-term relationship where you both know it will end, and our instincts encourage us to retain power (in this case knowledge) over other people so that we ourselves don't get hurt--in which case we are acting unethically. Even when you aren't personally hurt by the parting, the knowledge that you accidentally hurt another individual can cause you to feel hurt as well.
Relationships are always risks, and you have to weigh the benefits against the possible negative outcomes. When you form an STR, you will save yourself a lot of trouble, and stand for maximum gain, if you are upfront with the other person about the ending conditions and you prepare for the possible risks.

2. How to avoid being sucked into STRs

This section is directed to those of us who have been the victim of a Player, had to deal with a relationship Hog, or has ever been stuck in a "whipped" relationship with someone who thought they were a King or a Queen and deserved to take more than we wanted to give them. These kinds of people have a way of sucking us into them and manipulating us, exploiting our weaknesses and ultimately getting more from us than we could ever get from them.

First, let me describe the most common tactics that each of the most common types of unethical individuals use:
Players - A player is anyone who lies or withholds the truth from you in order to lead you along. They may have a secret relationship that they are keeping from you; or they may be aware of things that would prevent them from having a long-term relationship with you such as personality differences, incompatible goals, differences in culture or life circumstance, etc. The primary tactic of the player is to take advantage of your wants and desires by letting you think that you will get your needs and wants met through them, even though they know there is very little chance of that.
Relationship Hogs - A relationship hog is anyone who refuses to bend--refuses to compromise or refuses to collaborate--they expect you to succumb to their will. At first, they don't seem so harmless and the relationship may actually be beneficial, but once you have invested just enough that you can't pull out they start to enforce their will on you. In a conflict, these people will make up every excuse about why they are justified and why you are not. They use hardheaded persistence to get what they want from you and if all else fails they'll do whatever they want to do anyway. Making agreements with them becomes useless because they can't or won't keep those agreements anyway.
The King or Queen - The way that a King or Queen manipulates you is through "low blow" tactics, such as the use of fear, guilt, or any claims to authority they might have over you, such as you own ignorance, use of "the letter of the law" when inappropriate, or tempting you with small doses of the things that you want. Basically anything that you allow them to use against you, they will use against you and they are experts at finding and exploiting those things.

1) The best and first thing you should do to prevent from getting stuck in a relationship with any of these people is to have a plan. Are you in a situation in life where you can reasonably and easily have an ethical, long-term relationship, or are you limited by your finances and life goals? For example, someone who intends to go to medical school will have a harder time forming a long-term romantic relationship than someone who is already started into their career and lives on their own. Be aware of your circumstances and formulate a plan that will lead to your needs and wants. It isn't impossible to form a long-term relationship with other people even when you have a lot of constraints from your goals and circumstances, but you'll have to be aware of those constraints so that you don't mesh with others who are incompatible.

2) The next thing you should do is place personal limits on yourself so that you don't get into difficult situations. I'm not endorsing a narrow minded perspective of dating and relationships, but if there are certain attributes that you will absolutely never settle on with relationships, then avoid situations that encourage those attributes. For example, if you would never be comfortable marrying someone who drinks, don't go to bars to meet people. Some advice: just don't make a long list of things to avoid. Focus on root needs and wants rather than surface needs and wants; for example, some people would never consider marrying a democrat or a republican, but political affiliation is only on the surface, the root need and desire is to not have conflicts and to support one another's decisions. Instead of saying you'll never get along with a democrat or a republican, you should say you would never get along with anyone who argues with you over politics. Plenty of people are capable of having different views than you and still respecting and understanding you and not wanting to argue about them.

3) Follow the old adage, "don't do anything you'll regret later." Before you make any decisions or give of yourself, whether time, money, or otherwise, take some time to consider whether you might feel bad about it later on. If you are giving money, time, or favors to another person in hopes that you'll get something in return that they aren't giving, then you probably need to reconsider giving of yourself in that way. Establish good boundaries and re-establish those boundaries if your relationship starts to slip. Until you have an official conversation about what kind of relationship you both want to build together, don't assume anything. Take conscious risks--ones that you know you are taking and have somewhat control over the outcomes--to progress the relationship rather than assumptive risks--risks that you take because you assume you are in a relationship type that you are not in.

4)  Don't have too thin of skin. Odds are against you that you'll make it through life without having a few bad relationships. You learn from having these  relationships and it becomes easier to discern between the good ones. Don't beat yourself up over having been suckered into a bad relationship, when the relationship ends, try to reflect on the positive side of things--breakups are good because they allow you to adjust your course towards something better.

Relationship Classification Guide

Classification of Relationships

There are three classifications of relationships:  Long-term Relationships,  Short-term Relationships, and Confused Relationships

Relationships are classified by intent of the individuals. 

Long-term Relationships (LTR)

Any relationship that is intended to last for an unknown period of time, or may never end, is a long-term relationship. LTRs require more investment than STRs.
Examples include: marriage partner, friends, birth-family, neighbors, club members, co-workers and community members.

Short-term Relationships (STR)

Any relationship that is not intended to last or has a known ending date or expected termination condition is a short-term relationship. STRs require less investment than LTRs.
Examples include: summer camp friends, project members, summer flings, cruise ship mates, salesmen.

Confused Relationships (CR)

Since we are talking about intent, not longevity, some relationships are formed where one person intends for the relationships to be a short-term relationship and the other person wishes to have a long-term relationship. I call these relationships Confused Relationships.


Types of Relationships
There are 3 types of relationships; relationships are typified by what they are founded on, whether competition, compromise, or collaboration:

Competitive Relationships - Relationships founded on one individual benefiting above the other individual(s). This kind of relationship offers the very minimal in the hopes of gaining more than is invested; or a relationship in which the investment given, at least to the investor, is trivial and the things they gain are substantial. This type of relationship approaches the other person in hopes of a win-lose outcome. Often times a tug-of-war ensues in this kind of relationship and power switches hands back and forth in a virtual stalemate.

Compromising Relationships - Relationships founded on limiting the roles and powers of each individual so that they don't interfere with the other person's separate agendas. In this kind of relationship, both parties give up a little resulting in a lose-lose outcome. This type of relationship is "safe" because it prevents undue conflicts and frees people up to do their own thing. When one person becomes too powerful, he or she is expected to refrain from using his or her power selfishly. This type of relationship is often, mistakenly, seen as the ideal.

Collaborative Relationships - Relationships founded on genuine mutual benefit. This type of relationship focuses on accomplishing the root objectives of both individuals. Although there may be goals and desires on the surface that are not fulfilled, the basic needs and wants the drive those surface desires are fulfilled exceptionally.


The Relationship Matrix

There are several functioning forms of the combination between relationship type and relationship classification.

Competitive LTRs	The 80/20 Relationship, Rivals, King/Queen-Servant
Compromising LTRs	The 50/50 Relationship, Same house-different worlds
Collaborative LTRs	Happily ever after, Eternal Friends
Competitive STRs	The Player, The Hog
Compromising STRs	The Ceasefire
Collaborative STRs	Friends with benefits

Definitions:
The 80/20 Relationship - A relationship in which one person makes all the decisions and/or does all the hard work to keep the relationship alive and the other person accepts what the other person does. The person with 80% of the power stays because they have the control, the other person doesn't leave because their superior is looking out for their best interests. (The politician does what is best for his party)
The Rivals - Each individual takes a turn holding the power while the other person succumbs to their demands. (The two sports stars dominate the spotlight as they try to outdo one another)
King/Queen-Servant - Similar to the 80/20 except that the servant stays because he or she fears life without the relationship even though he or she might not be getting all of his or her needs met. He or she is essentially trading needs, wants and desires for security. (The young adult doesn't disobey the parents because she fears being kicked out)
The 50/50 Relationship - Each individual takes turns making decisions and picking up where the other person slacks however neither is permitted to meet selfish desires without the other person meeting their own selfish desires. (The husband gets to go golfing if the wife gets to go to the spa)
Same House-Different Worlds - Both individuals fulfill their roles in the relationship but only do the bare minimum so that they can focus on their personal interests. It is common for neither individual to know, or care, what their counterpart is doing.  (The wealthy businessman and his distant wife)
Happily Ever After - Each individual meets the needs that their counterpart cannot meet and helps their counterpart obtain their wants. The necessary trait of this type of relationship is having compatible wants/needs.
Eternal Friends - The individuals meet nearly all of their needs by themselves but where they fall short their counterpart picks up the slack. The two individuals could be completely different, but their desire to stay together and their ability to selflessly pick up the slack allows their relationship to excel.
The Player - Seeks after his or her wants and needs unethically by taking advantage of the large investment of others. (Since forming relationships require an investment, the player tricks his or her counterpart into investing heavily while only investing minimally himself or herself and then walking away)
The Hog - One individual positions himself to hog all of the benefits leaving none for the other individual. (This relationship isn't sustainable and ends when the benefits dry up)
The Ceasefire - When both individuals are forced to have a relationship with one another and agree to rules and terms that prevent them from tearing each other apart. (Ceasefire ends at the end of a project or after the task at hand is completed)
Friends with Benefits - When both individuals plan on their relationship eventually ending and so agree to meet the needs of the other person as their own needs are met. (This relationship ends when a mutually agreed upon termination point is reached)

It is my philosophy that the best relationships are collaborative; however, collaborative relationships require more work and more energy than any other kind of relationship. The effort you put into building a collaborative relationship is well worth it.