When Flirting Goes Too Far (You're Just Being Rude)

(I changed the picture back to the original)

Flirting" is a difficult word to define in the English language, which makes it difficult to understand the concepts behind it. Philosophers the world over have had trouble describing, and therefore teaching the masses how to flirt is a difficult process. Here is my attempt: Flirting is one of a few mating practices performed by individuals to build a connection, express interest, and create excitement with each other. Flirting can, at times, be confusing, even for the expert flirt. Flirting is a higher-level form of communication that may incorporate one or more of the following elements: words, ideas, thoughts, body-language, symbols, aromas, or actions.
The things that pass for flirting with one individual can convey the opposite message to another individual, typically because of differences in cultural or social background. The opposite of flirting is being offensive.

I will be breaking the rest of this article into a series of three parts:
1. Flirty Words, Ideas, and Thoughts
2. Flirty Body-Language, Symbols, Aromas and Actions
3. Offensive Flirting

Part 3: When Not to Flirt

Flirting is a good supplement to any romantic relationship but it is not the main component. Romantic relationships require a mixture of excitement and seriousness. Having too much of one or the other will create conflicts between you and your significant other. Timing is crucial: knowing when to flirt and when not to flirt is the key to avoiding these conflicts.

I have composed lists of times when it is generally acceptable to flirt and when it is generally not a good idea to flirt:

Generally Acceptable Flirting Times

1. When you first meet someone flirting can be a great start to the relationship because it sets the tone for future flirting and excitement later down the road.
2. If he or she is particularly quiet or shy when you are around him or her, you can start a conversation more easily when you start it with flirting.
3. At any time, if you feel like you are getting bored and would like to have more fun with the other person it is okay to initiate flirting and hope that they will flirt back.
4. When the other person flirts with you and you are interested in them, it is okay to flirt back.

Generally Unacceptable Flirting Times

1. If the other person is in a particularly bad mood, it is in your best interst not to flirt with them because it can lead you to becoming a target of their poor mood.
2. When you need to convey important information or teach the other person something, flirting can prevent them from taking the information seriously, or worse, it can embarrass them.
3. If you do not have any interest in the other person, you should not flirt with them, regardless of how fun it might be. Flirting helps build relationships--when you engage in it you are building a relationship--and when you really do not want a relationship with the person you are flirting with, you are giving them the wrong impression and building a type of relationship that you ultimately do not want.
4. If the other person becomes agitated by your attempts to flirt with them, or if they are not flirting back, it may mean that you have offended them or that they want some serious time.
5. If you have to cross relationships boundaries that you shouldn't be crossing--if they make you or the other person uncomfortable--then you should immediately stop flirting. Continuing to flirt can damage the relationship that you have already spent so much energy trying to build.

Aside from timing, misunderstandings and misinterpretations can also lead to conflicts. Sometimes misunderstandings happen due to differences in culture or background. If you sense that what you are saying or what you are doing isn't being interpreted in the way that you intend, you may need to take a time out to clarify or take a break from flirting for tensions to die down.

Flirting is only effective if both sides are having fun. Watch their body language and listen to the things they are saying and you can avoid most conflicts of this nature.

Using your Body to Flirt

Flirting" is a difficult word to define in the English language, which makes it difficult to understand the concepts behind it. Philosophers the world over have had trouble describing, and therefore teaching the masses how to flirt is a difficult process. Here is my attempt: Flirting is one of a few mating practices performed by individuals to build a connection, express interest, and create excitement with each other. Flirting can, at times, be confusing, even for the expert flirt. Flirting is a higher-level form of communication that may incorporate one or more of the following elements: words, ideas, thoughts, body-language, symbols, aromas, or actions.
The things that pass for flirting with one individual can convey the opposite message to another individual, typically because of differences in cultural or social background. The opposite of flirting is being offensive.

I will be breaking the rest of this article into a series of three parts:
1. Flirty Words, Ideas, and Thoughts
2. Flirty Body-Language, Symbols, Aromas and Actions
3. Offensive Flirting

Part 2: Flirting by using your Body

With Flirting, understanding how to portray certain body language and read body language is absolutely crucial. Body language is a complex topic to touch on (no pun intended), but this kind of flirting is all about reading or giving the right signs. Misinterpreting body language, while trying to flirt, can be incredibly dangerous but reading it correctly can be liberating and exhilarating. Flirting using your body the right way gives the other person the go-ahead to make physical advances on you such as touching you, hugging you, holding hands, kissing, etc.

Just like verbal flirting, physical flirting incorporates acting, playing, and joking to trigger an emotion in the other person, typically excitement or attraction though you could trigger sympathy, confusion or any other emotion if you knew what you were doing (or didn't know what you were doing, for that matter). Physical flirting works best in combination of verbal flirting. Body language is hard for most people to interpret so having words to reinforce your body can clarify your communication--you can also contradict your verbal language for an effect or vice-versa.

Flirting with body language is a lot more tricky to understand and perform than verbal flirting because you have to get at the root of what real flirting is about (which I didn't cover in too much depth in my previous article), but I've attempted to simplify it like my previous article. The steps:
1. Just like you did in part one, pick an emotion or reaction that you would like to trigger in the other person. Generally you want to pick emotions or reactions that are known to bring people closer together. The root of flirting is to trigger a response from the other person that will bring you closer to them. A few examples are:

Thrill/Anticipation/Mystery/Discovery/Adventure 
People are brought together when they are faced with the unknown; they form groups and develop relationships based on interconnectedness when faced with a problem or mystery to be solved, a discovery to be made, or an experience or adventure to be had.

Fun/Excitement/Happiness 
Generally, people desire to connect themselves to others who make them feel happy and make them laugh and can entertain them. People keep coming back for more if they know you are reliable at creating fun.

Superiority/Ego Inflation (and sometimes inferiority)
Regardless of gender, or status in life, people have a secret desire to be seen as superior to others but surrounded by equals. By choosing this reaction to work towards, you set yourself up as an equal (or sometimes slightly superior to create a challenge for them to rise to) and you set the rest of people up to be different and less superior so that your similarities match with theirs.

2. Choose a delivery method:
There are some similarities and some differences between verbal and body flirting, and sometimes to portray the subtle difference between the two you MUST use verbal language.

Acting
Overemphasize, exaggerate, or assume a role.

Superiority Example:
Walk by someone standing still, eye them, smile at them, and then after passing you abruptly stop and start walking backwards to get a double look at them.
Explaination: You overemphasize or exaggerate the fact that you are checking them out. You might even throw in a whistle or some sort of "wow" words to act as though you are thoroughly impressed.

Playing
Turn physical acts into a game.

Fun Examples: Initiating thumb wars, poking, looking at and then briskly looking away when they notice (and then repeating when they look at you).

Joking
Respond to verbal comments and questions by assuming stances, changing behavior or pace, or giving emotive looks in their direction to generate a humorous response.

Thrill Example:
When he/she explains they have a fear of spiders, tickling the back of their neck or arm to simulate a spider crawling on them unbeknownst to them until they realize what you are doing. (this generally triggers a response to playfully punch you, so be prepared!)



With body language, it is crucial to read the other person's body language before doing anything too extreme. If they are not in the right state, your behavior could damage your relationship with them more than help it; however, if you do the right response your flirt can actually bring you closer together and present opportunities for smooth physical advancement.

How to Flirt with Just Words

"Flirting" is a difficult word to define in the English language, which makes it difficult to understand the concepts behind it. Philosophers the world over have had trouble describing, and therefore teaching the masses how to flirt--it is a difficult process. Here is my attempt: Flirting is one of a few mating practices performed by individuals to build a connection, express interest, and create excitement with each other. Flirting can, at times, be confusing, even for the expert flirt. Flirting is a higher-level form of communication that may incorporate one or more of the following elements: words, ideas, thoughts, body-language, symbols, aromas, or actions.
The things that pass for flirting with one individual can convey the opposite message to another individual, typically because of differences in cultural or social background. The opposite of flirting is being offensive.

I will be breaking the rest of this article into a series of three parts:
1. Flirty Words, Ideas, and Thoughts
2. Flirty Body-Language, Symbols, Aromas and Actions
3. Offensive Flirting

Part 1: Flirting with Words

Flirting with words typically comes in the form of acting, playing, or joking. Individuals assume roles or pretend to be a certain way in order to appeal to the other person's ego or instill a certain emotion. Flirting with words works well when you are not physically present (via text message or otherwise) or when it would be inappropriate to enter someone's physical space. Flirting with words is a good default flirting method.

Some good topics for flirting include: power/control, ability/talent, beliefs/values, or physical traits. Generally, you are either complimenting and boosting them or debasing and deflating them over one of these topics. Sex tends to be a good topic to flirt about because it is interconnected with power, ability, beliefs and physical traits.

Here's how it works, but to make this simple, I've written it into step by step instructions. This isn't meant to be comprehensive but should give you a good start.

Step #1 --Pick a Topic or build on a present conversation topic from the following:
A. Power or Control
Question who is in power, challenge who is in power, tempt their self-control or their influence over the situation, assume that you have all of the power, assume that they have all of the power.

B. Ability or Talent
Exaggerate their abilities, exaggerate your abilities, feign interest in their talents, feign disinterest in their talents, tempt them to show off their talents.

C. Beliefs or Values
Describe a perfect world in which everyone shares their values, describe an imperfect world where no-one shares their values, tease other people for believing differently.

D. Physical Traits
Over exaggerate their physical traits, over exaggerate your physical traits.

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Step #2 --Choose a method for delivery
1. Humor
Present the topic as a joke

[physical] Example: (to someone who is short) "You're very tall, I'm sure you're naturally good at basketball."

2. Acting
Assume a role or persona and pretend unconvincingly

[power] Example: (to someone who is asking for something; act like their personal soldier) "Yes sir! Right away, Sir!"

3. Playing
Turn the topic into a game

[beliefs] Example: Them: "My favorite color is green" You: "I bet we could count how many people in this room like the color green--oh, look, he has a green shirt on, he must love the color.--I count 5 how many do you count?"

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You'll notice that a large part of flirting with words is using exaggeration and blowing things out of proportion in a fun way. Flirting is meant to offer friendly competition, a little resistance, and unpredictable excitement; if you can incorporate those three things into your interaction with people you are interested in you'll see them give an instant interest in you. Confidence is crucial here, even if he/she doesn't laugh at your joke, doesn't recognize that you are acting, or isn't up for playing games, you need to be able to roll right along as though that doesn't stop you or make you weird or awkward.

[Part 2: Coming soon!]