How to Not Get Involved with Playing Games

I know, I know, you were expecting a podcast, but this time I thought I'd make an article instead. 

Let me start out by saying that playing games is what children do. Adults may, on occasion, have a little fun, but games serve no practical purpose in a relationship.

Let's start by defining what a game is:
In relationships, a "Game" is anything that creates a suspenseful, win-lose environment by defining a set of rules. To illustrate this, let me give you a few examples that fit this definition:

1. Purposely not calling for 2-3 days after a date. -- To call any sooner would suggest "interest" and the rule is that the person who is most interested is the loser. The winner is, of course, in a power position and has some level of control over the loser. By not calling, they leave you in suspense, waiting for their call eagerly, wondering whether you are crazy for being so interested or whether the other person shares the same level of interest. When they do call, if you are interested in them, it doesn't matter as much what they say to you because they built up a demand for themselves, and if you hold off on talking to and responding to them, then you may potentially build up that demand for yourself and be the "winner," and take a turn at controlling them for once. 
2. Flirting with words, eyes, and body language, but never making the first move. --Just like the first example, to make the first move would also suggest "interest" and therefore put you in the loser position. The winner gets to make the decisions in regards to the relationship; they choose whether to accept your advances or not accept them. That is the prize of winning, and is the incentive for playing the game.
3. Accusing them of purposely trying to make you jealous. --If you are the first to call your significant other (or friend) out, then you are defining a rule: "This kind of behavior is unacceptable because it makes me feel X." This is the equivalent of telling them that they are "cheating"--breaking the rules and, suggestively, that they are cheating on you. If they have done a good enough job at establishing relationship rules, they can control who you spend your time with and what you do with other people, just by asserting that you are somehow responsible for how they feel. 
4. Flirting with OTHER people in front of you in order to make you jealous.--If they can make you jealous, the idea is that you will be more willing to invest in the relationship with them. The situation becomes win-lose in that they win and you lose by making you jealous and giving in to them. Alternatively, you win and they lose if you walk away from the relationship with them for something better, but the game player potentially can still win by turning to the person they were flirting with originally.

In all examples of relationship game-playing, one person CREATES a conflict and uses competitive conflict-resolution skills to set themselves up as the automatic winner of a win-lose conflict. --Let me emphasize "create" one more time, because in each of these situations there really is no need for a conflict.--Nothing is at stake here! They are essentially messing with your perceptions. In order for there to be a real conflict, needs fulfillment must be threatened--if the conflict is merely over the perception of whether our wants or needs are going to continue to be met, then we are not talking about a real conflict, but a fantasy conflict. Be weary of people who do this to you on purpose. 

So what happens if you refuse to play the game? Lets say that the other person refuses to call you until at least two days have passed, because in their sick-twisted mind they think that they are creating demand for themselves and that you will like them more. If you refuse to follow the rules and refuse to let the rules affect your relationship with them, you will call them when you feel like it, and if they don't respond, then you will carry on with your life as though their lack of response is not a big deal. When they get around to calling you, you may have moved on, you may enjoy their call, or you may not answer because you are actually busy. If they still think things are a game, then they will suddenly take MORE of an interest in you, because that's the rules of their game. You on the other hand, are not affected by the rules, because you are just living life and trying to incorporate them into your life. --but this is an easy example. 

Lets try something harder: let's say they are purposely trying to make you jealous so that you will take a greater interest in them and they can do whatever it is they do--take advantage of you in some way I presume. They flirt in front of you, and you DO get jealous of them. How would you not play the game in this situation?--If you react, then they have one-up'd you and you are more likely to do what they say in order to keep them for yourself; if you do not react, then you risk losing your relationship with them. 

To answer that question, you have to stop thinking about the other person, and start thinking about the way any normal human being would respond: if you truly care for that person, tell them. Tell them that you are jealous. Do not place demands on them, because doing so would trap you in the game--remember? The winner makes the decisions and the loser has to abide by whatever the new rules are. If you demand that they stop flirting and making you jealous, then you are playing another game with them. One in which, if they want to keep you, they must abide by your rules--again, this is a competitive approach (win-lose) and you are merely substituting one game for another. 

So how do we remedy this?

There are two counters for game playing: 

1. Proving that this is all based on perception and not based on reality. 
2. Seeking a collaborative conflict-resolution approach. 

To prove that your conflict is based on fantasy and not reality, you would need to have omniscient information about what the other person is thinking. Of course, you can always make guesses and assumptions, but I don't recommend that with relationships because there are several drawbacks that I'm not going to get into right now (perhaps my next article).  

Collaboration means both parties win. Whereas Competition focuses on only one person "winning," collaboration seeks outside-the-box alternatives. This should not be confused with Compromise, which is a conflict-resolution approach where both parties lose but retain their relationship. 

Collaborating is much easier than proving that your conflict is merely based on perceptions, because a collaborative solution can include elements of fantasy. What I mean is that you can as easily perceive that you are getting your wants fulfilled as you can actually fulfill your wants. 

If you have a want or need to connect with the other person and they don't answer the phone or make an attempt to call you, you can call them, and if they respond then you are getting what you want--a conversation. During the conversation, you might make a point to ask them or figure out what their wants are (such as to not think that they are coming on too quickly, or to have time and space to think for themselves) and you can help them fulfill their wants. This is the meaning of collaboration.

All of this is well, and good, but what if they don't respond or they don't respond in the way you want or need them to to feel satisfied? --Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. If they truly are playing games and they don't want to give up those games in order to have a relationship with you, then you have to realize that they are their own person and make their own decisions in life. 

As I stated at the beginning of this article, Playing Games is for Children. Mature Adults do not play games. If you are a mature adult, you should take some time to figure out exactly what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and what your wants and needs are. When you know those things, you can go out and get them. When you do not know those things, it is easier to get caught up in game-playing. 

When Flirting Goes Too Far (You're Just Being Rude)

(I changed the picture back to the original)

Flirting" is a difficult word to define in the English language, which makes it difficult to understand the concepts behind it. Philosophers the world over have had trouble describing, and therefore teaching the masses how to flirt is a difficult process. Here is my attempt: Flirting is one of a few mating practices performed by individuals to build a connection, express interest, and create excitement with each other. Flirting can, at times, be confusing, even for the expert flirt. Flirting is a higher-level form of communication that may incorporate one or more of the following elements: words, ideas, thoughts, body-language, symbols, aromas, or actions.
The things that pass for flirting with one individual can convey the opposite message to another individual, typically because of differences in cultural or social background. The opposite of flirting is being offensive.

I will be breaking the rest of this article into a series of three parts:
1. Flirty Words, Ideas, and Thoughts
2. Flirty Body-Language, Symbols, Aromas and Actions
3. Offensive Flirting

Part 3: When Not to Flirt

Flirting is a good supplement to any romantic relationship but it is not the main component. Romantic relationships require a mixture of excitement and seriousness. Having too much of one or the other will create conflicts between you and your significant other. Timing is crucial: knowing when to flirt and when not to flirt is the key to avoiding these conflicts.

I have composed lists of times when it is generally acceptable to flirt and when it is generally not a good idea to flirt:

Generally Acceptable Flirting Times

1. When you first meet someone flirting can be a great start to the relationship because it sets the tone for future flirting and excitement later down the road.
2. If he or she is particularly quiet or shy when you are around him or her, you can start a conversation more easily when you start it with flirting.
3. At any time, if you feel like you are getting bored and would like to have more fun with the other person it is okay to initiate flirting and hope that they will flirt back.
4. When the other person flirts with you and you are interested in them, it is okay to flirt back.

Generally Unacceptable Flirting Times

1. If the other person is in a particularly bad mood, it is in your best interst not to flirt with them because it can lead you to becoming a target of their poor mood.
2. When you need to convey important information or teach the other person something, flirting can prevent them from taking the information seriously, or worse, it can embarrass them.
3. If you do not have any interest in the other person, you should not flirt with them, regardless of how fun it might be. Flirting helps build relationships--when you engage in it you are building a relationship--and when you really do not want a relationship with the person you are flirting with, you are giving them the wrong impression and building a type of relationship that you ultimately do not want.
4. If the other person becomes agitated by your attempts to flirt with them, or if they are not flirting back, it may mean that you have offended them or that they want some serious time.
5. If you have to cross relationships boundaries that you shouldn't be crossing--if they make you or the other person uncomfortable--then you should immediately stop flirting. Continuing to flirt can damage the relationship that you have already spent so much energy trying to build.

Aside from timing, misunderstandings and misinterpretations can also lead to conflicts. Sometimes misunderstandings happen due to differences in culture or background. If you sense that what you are saying or what you are doing isn't being interpreted in the way that you intend, you may need to take a time out to clarify or take a break from flirting for tensions to die down.

Flirting is only effective if both sides are having fun. Watch their body language and listen to the things they are saying and you can avoid most conflicts of this nature.

Using your Body to Flirt

Flirting" is a difficult word to define in the English language, which makes it difficult to understand the concepts behind it. Philosophers the world over have had trouble describing, and therefore teaching the masses how to flirt is a difficult process. Here is my attempt: Flirting is one of a few mating practices performed by individuals to build a connection, express interest, and create excitement with each other. Flirting can, at times, be confusing, even for the expert flirt. Flirting is a higher-level form of communication that may incorporate one or more of the following elements: words, ideas, thoughts, body-language, symbols, aromas, or actions.
The things that pass for flirting with one individual can convey the opposite message to another individual, typically because of differences in cultural or social background. The opposite of flirting is being offensive.

I will be breaking the rest of this article into a series of three parts:
1. Flirty Words, Ideas, and Thoughts
2. Flirty Body-Language, Symbols, Aromas and Actions
3. Offensive Flirting

Part 2: Flirting by using your Body

With Flirting, understanding how to portray certain body language and read body language is absolutely crucial. Body language is a complex topic to touch on (no pun intended), but this kind of flirting is all about reading or giving the right signs. Misinterpreting body language, while trying to flirt, can be incredibly dangerous but reading it correctly can be liberating and exhilarating. Flirting using your body the right way gives the other person the go-ahead to make physical advances on you such as touching you, hugging you, holding hands, kissing, etc.

Just like verbal flirting, physical flirting incorporates acting, playing, and joking to trigger an emotion in the other person, typically excitement or attraction though you could trigger sympathy, confusion or any other emotion if you knew what you were doing (or didn't know what you were doing, for that matter). Physical flirting works best in combination of verbal flirting. Body language is hard for most people to interpret so having words to reinforce your body can clarify your communication--you can also contradict your verbal language for an effect or vice-versa.

Flirting with body language is a lot more tricky to understand and perform than verbal flirting because you have to get at the root of what real flirting is about (which I didn't cover in too much depth in my previous article), but I've attempted to simplify it like my previous article. The steps:
1. Just like you did in part one, pick an emotion or reaction that you would like to trigger in the other person. Generally you want to pick emotions or reactions that are known to bring people closer together. The root of flirting is to trigger a response from the other person that will bring you closer to them. A few examples are:

Thrill/Anticipation/Mystery/Discovery/Adventure 
People are brought together when they are faced with the unknown; they form groups and develop relationships based on interconnectedness when faced with a problem or mystery to be solved, a discovery to be made, or an experience or adventure to be had.

Fun/Excitement/Happiness 
Generally, people desire to connect themselves to others who make them feel happy and make them laugh and can entertain them. People keep coming back for more if they know you are reliable at creating fun.

Superiority/Ego Inflation (and sometimes inferiority)
Regardless of gender, or status in life, people have a secret desire to be seen as superior to others but surrounded by equals. By choosing this reaction to work towards, you set yourself up as an equal (or sometimes slightly superior to create a challenge for them to rise to) and you set the rest of people up to be different and less superior so that your similarities match with theirs.

2. Choose a delivery method:
There are some similarities and some differences between verbal and body flirting, and sometimes to portray the subtle difference between the two you MUST use verbal language.

Acting
Overemphasize, exaggerate, or assume a role.

Superiority Example:
Walk by someone standing still, eye them, smile at them, and then after passing you abruptly stop and start walking backwards to get a double look at them.
Explaination: You overemphasize or exaggerate the fact that you are checking them out. You might even throw in a whistle or some sort of "wow" words to act as though you are thoroughly impressed.

Playing
Turn physical acts into a game.

Fun Examples: Initiating thumb wars, poking, looking at and then briskly looking away when they notice (and then repeating when they look at you).

Joking
Respond to verbal comments and questions by assuming stances, changing behavior or pace, or giving emotive looks in their direction to generate a humorous response.

Thrill Example:
When he/she explains they have a fear of spiders, tickling the back of their neck or arm to simulate a spider crawling on them unbeknownst to them until they realize what you are doing. (this generally triggers a response to playfully punch you, so be prepared!)



With body language, it is crucial to read the other person's body language before doing anything too extreme. If they are not in the right state, your behavior could damage your relationship with them more than help it; however, if you do the right response your flirt can actually bring you closer together and present opportunities for smooth physical advancement.

How to Flirt with Just Words

"Flirting" is a difficult word to define in the English language, which makes it difficult to understand the concepts behind it. Philosophers the world over have had trouble describing, and therefore teaching the masses how to flirt--it is a difficult process. Here is my attempt: Flirting is one of a few mating practices performed by individuals to build a connection, express interest, and create excitement with each other. Flirting can, at times, be confusing, even for the expert flirt. Flirting is a higher-level form of communication that may incorporate one or more of the following elements: words, ideas, thoughts, body-language, symbols, aromas, or actions.
The things that pass for flirting with one individual can convey the opposite message to another individual, typically because of differences in cultural or social background. The opposite of flirting is being offensive.

I will be breaking the rest of this article into a series of three parts:
1. Flirty Words, Ideas, and Thoughts
2. Flirty Body-Language, Symbols, Aromas and Actions
3. Offensive Flirting

Part 1: Flirting with Words

Flirting with words typically comes in the form of acting, playing, or joking. Individuals assume roles or pretend to be a certain way in order to appeal to the other person's ego or instill a certain emotion. Flirting with words works well when you are not physically present (via text message or otherwise) or when it would be inappropriate to enter someone's physical space. Flirting with words is a good default flirting method.

Some good topics for flirting include: power/control, ability/talent, beliefs/values, or physical traits. Generally, you are either complimenting and boosting them or debasing and deflating them over one of these topics. Sex tends to be a good topic to flirt about because it is interconnected with power, ability, beliefs and physical traits.

Here's how it works, but to make this simple, I've written it into step by step instructions. This isn't meant to be comprehensive but should give you a good start.

Step #1 --Pick a Topic or build on a present conversation topic from the following:
A. Power or Control
Question who is in power, challenge who is in power, tempt their self-control or their influence over the situation, assume that you have all of the power, assume that they have all of the power.

B. Ability or Talent
Exaggerate their abilities, exaggerate your abilities, feign interest in their talents, feign disinterest in their talents, tempt them to show off their talents.

C. Beliefs or Values
Describe a perfect world in which everyone shares their values, describe an imperfect world where no-one shares their values, tease other people for believing differently.

D. Physical Traits
Over exaggerate their physical traits, over exaggerate your physical traits.

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Step #2 --Choose a method for delivery
1. Humor
Present the topic as a joke

[physical] Example: (to someone who is short) "You're very tall, I'm sure you're naturally good at basketball."

2. Acting
Assume a role or persona and pretend unconvincingly

[power] Example: (to someone who is asking for something; act like their personal soldier) "Yes sir! Right away, Sir!"

3. Playing
Turn the topic into a game

[beliefs] Example: Them: "My favorite color is green" You: "I bet we could count how many people in this room like the color green--oh, look, he has a green shirt on, he must love the color.--I count 5 how many do you count?"

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You'll notice that a large part of flirting with words is using exaggeration and blowing things out of proportion in a fun way. Flirting is meant to offer friendly competition, a little resistance, and unpredictable excitement; if you can incorporate those three things into your interaction with people you are interested in you'll see them give an instant interest in you. Confidence is crucial here, even if he/she doesn't laugh at your joke, doesn't recognize that you are acting, or isn't up for playing games, you need to be able to roll right along as though that doesn't stop you or make you weird or awkward.

[Part 2: Coming soon!]