How to Not Get Involved with Playing Games

I know, I know, you were expecting a podcast, but this time I thought I'd make an article instead. 

Let me start out by saying that playing games is what children do. Adults may, on occasion, have a little fun, but games serve no practical purpose in a relationship.

Let's start by defining what a game is:
In relationships, a "Game" is anything that creates a suspenseful, win-lose environment by defining a set of rules. To illustrate this, let me give you a few examples that fit this definition:

1. Purposely not calling for 2-3 days after a date. -- To call any sooner would suggest "interest" and the rule is that the person who is most interested is the loser. The winner is, of course, in a power position and has some level of control over the loser. By not calling, they leave you in suspense, waiting for their call eagerly, wondering whether you are crazy for being so interested or whether the other person shares the same level of interest. When they do call, if you are interested in them, it doesn't matter as much what they say to you because they built up a demand for themselves, and if you hold off on talking to and responding to them, then you may potentially build up that demand for yourself and be the "winner," and take a turn at controlling them for once. 
2. Flirting with words, eyes, and body language, but never making the first move. --Just like the first example, to make the first move would also suggest "interest" and therefore put you in the loser position. The winner gets to make the decisions in regards to the relationship; they choose whether to accept your advances or not accept them. That is the prize of winning, and is the incentive for playing the game.
3. Accusing them of purposely trying to make you jealous. --If you are the first to call your significant other (or friend) out, then you are defining a rule: "This kind of behavior is unacceptable because it makes me feel X." This is the equivalent of telling them that they are "cheating"--breaking the rules and, suggestively, that they are cheating on you. If they have done a good enough job at establishing relationship rules, they can control who you spend your time with and what you do with other people, just by asserting that you are somehow responsible for how they feel. 
4. Flirting with OTHER people in front of you in order to make you jealous.--If they can make you jealous, the idea is that you will be more willing to invest in the relationship with them. The situation becomes win-lose in that they win and you lose by making you jealous and giving in to them. Alternatively, you win and they lose if you walk away from the relationship with them for something better, but the game player potentially can still win by turning to the person they were flirting with originally.

In all examples of relationship game-playing, one person CREATES a conflict and uses competitive conflict-resolution skills to set themselves up as the automatic winner of a win-lose conflict. --Let me emphasize "create" one more time, because in each of these situations there really is no need for a conflict.--Nothing is at stake here! They are essentially messing with your perceptions. In order for there to be a real conflict, needs fulfillment must be threatened--if the conflict is merely over the perception of whether our wants or needs are going to continue to be met, then we are not talking about a real conflict, but a fantasy conflict. Be weary of people who do this to you on purpose. 

So what happens if you refuse to play the game? Lets say that the other person refuses to call you until at least two days have passed, because in their sick-twisted mind they think that they are creating demand for themselves and that you will like them more. If you refuse to follow the rules and refuse to let the rules affect your relationship with them, you will call them when you feel like it, and if they don't respond, then you will carry on with your life as though their lack of response is not a big deal. When they get around to calling you, you may have moved on, you may enjoy their call, or you may not answer because you are actually busy. If they still think things are a game, then they will suddenly take MORE of an interest in you, because that's the rules of their game. You on the other hand, are not affected by the rules, because you are just living life and trying to incorporate them into your life. --but this is an easy example. 

Lets try something harder: let's say they are purposely trying to make you jealous so that you will take a greater interest in them and they can do whatever it is they do--take advantage of you in some way I presume. They flirt in front of you, and you DO get jealous of them. How would you not play the game in this situation?--If you react, then they have one-up'd you and you are more likely to do what they say in order to keep them for yourself; if you do not react, then you risk losing your relationship with them. 

To answer that question, you have to stop thinking about the other person, and start thinking about the way any normal human being would respond: if you truly care for that person, tell them. Tell them that you are jealous. Do not place demands on them, because doing so would trap you in the game--remember? The winner makes the decisions and the loser has to abide by whatever the new rules are. If you demand that they stop flirting and making you jealous, then you are playing another game with them. One in which, if they want to keep you, they must abide by your rules--again, this is a competitive approach (win-lose) and you are merely substituting one game for another. 

So how do we remedy this?

There are two counters for game playing: 

1. Proving that this is all based on perception and not based on reality. 
2. Seeking a collaborative conflict-resolution approach. 

To prove that your conflict is based on fantasy and not reality, you would need to have omniscient information about what the other person is thinking. Of course, you can always make guesses and assumptions, but I don't recommend that with relationships because there are several drawbacks that I'm not going to get into right now (perhaps my next article).  

Collaboration means both parties win. Whereas Competition focuses on only one person "winning," collaboration seeks outside-the-box alternatives. This should not be confused with Compromise, which is a conflict-resolution approach where both parties lose but retain their relationship. 

Collaborating is much easier than proving that your conflict is merely based on perceptions, because a collaborative solution can include elements of fantasy. What I mean is that you can as easily perceive that you are getting your wants fulfilled as you can actually fulfill your wants. 

If you have a want or need to connect with the other person and they don't answer the phone or make an attempt to call you, you can call them, and if they respond then you are getting what you want--a conversation. During the conversation, you might make a point to ask them or figure out what their wants are (such as to not think that they are coming on too quickly, or to have time and space to think for themselves) and you can help them fulfill their wants. This is the meaning of collaboration.

All of this is well, and good, but what if they don't respond or they don't respond in the way you want or need them to to feel satisfied? --Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. If they truly are playing games and they don't want to give up those games in order to have a relationship with you, then you have to realize that they are their own person and make their own decisions in life. 

As I stated at the beginning of this article, Playing Games is for Children. Mature Adults do not play games. If you are a mature adult, you should take some time to figure out exactly what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and what your wants and needs are. When you know those things, you can go out and get them. When you do not know those things, it is easier to get caught up in game-playing. 

The Truth about the Risks of having Relationships

From my experience, the number one overlooked principle about relationships is that "all relationships are risks."

To be in a relationship means you are taking a risk that the other person will deliver on your expectations and they too (hopefully) are relying on you to deliver on their expectations. This applies to ALL relationships: parents to children, husband to wife, boyfriend to girlfriend, friend to friend, human to pet, co-worker to co-worker, etc. It is a simple concept in this form, but the implications are much more grand:

• Risks require an investment--something needs to be on the line--something needs to be at stake. Whenever you take a risk, you are hoping that the investment will outweigh the outcome.

• A common response to risk is fear, humans have a natural fear of the unknown and risks imply that the outcome is unknown. We feel uncomfortable and out of place when we don't know what will happen and sometimes we feel frustrated because we don't have full control over the shape of the outcome or our relationship after it has started forming.

• Generally, the word "Trust" gets associated with "Relationships," but sometimes we put too much emphasis on trusting and not enough on the risk itself. Let me clarify what I mean: if they do what we expect, then we trust them; if they do anything that is unexpected, they step on our toes, or they trigger negative feelings, then we don't trust them. When we don't trust them, we retract the amount of risk we are taking on them and eventually they retract as well in response.

If you want to have a great, fulfilling, trusting relationship, you have to start by looking beyond fear. Fear is an emotion that influences your decisions just as logic can influence your decisions. Instead of fearing the unknown, you should embrace the unknown--you should look forward to the good feelings it triggers inside of you and the experiences you might gain from the relationship rather than reflecting on the possible failure.

Relationships are risks, and you waste a lot of life trying to minimize those risks and worrying whether things will turn out the way you would like them to. Humans aren't perfect, everyone makes mistakes, everyone will step on your toes and probably trigger your negative feelings if you stick around them long enough, but that is one of the risks you take by having a relationship with someone.

I'm not advocating irrational behavior, but sometimes our fear of the unknown slows the growth of our relationships when there need not be any slowing. Relationships require you to take risks and because we fear an unknown outcome we take really tiny steps and increase our commitment to the other person at a turtle's pace. We claim that because we don't know them well enough or haven't been with them long enough that we need to be cautious and so we slow down our relationships progression.

You are in a relationship, taking risks, because you want that other person to stay around and you want to get to know that person better and experience life with them. You can never know everything about the other person, nor should you; and you can't expect to know how to respond to everything they throw your way--people change, people aren't perfect or uniform and sometimes they aren't consistent and they will surprise you. Until the circumstance is actually in play, you can't accurately gauge how they will respond to it, even if you see them in similar situations prior to it. No matter what you do to prevent it, a relationship will always be a risk but if you focus on the benefits of relationships, the risk is always worth it.