How to Not Get Involved with Playing Games

I know, I know, you were expecting a podcast, but this time I thought I'd make an article instead. 

Let me start out by saying that playing games is what children do. Adults may, on occasion, have a little fun, but games serve no practical purpose in a relationship.

Let's start by defining what a game is:
In relationships, a "Game" is anything that creates a suspenseful, win-lose environment by defining a set of rules. To illustrate this, let me give you a few examples that fit this definition:

1. Purposely not calling for 2-3 days after a date. -- To call any sooner would suggest "interest" and the rule is that the person who is most interested is the loser. The winner is, of course, in a power position and has some level of control over the loser. By not calling, they leave you in suspense, waiting for their call eagerly, wondering whether you are crazy for being so interested or whether the other person shares the same level of interest. When they do call, if you are interested in them, it doesn't matter as much what they say to you because they built up a demand for themselves, and if you hold off on talking to and responding to them, then you may potentially build up that demand for yourself and be the "winner," and take a turn at controlling them for once. 
2. Flirting with words, eyes, and body language, but never making the first move. --Just like the first example, to make the first move would also suggest "interest" and therefore put you in the loser position. The winner gets to make the decisions in regards to the relationship; they choose whether to accept your advances or not accept them. That is the prize of winning, and is the incentive for playing the game.
3. Accusing them of purposely trying to make you jealous. --If you are the first to call your significant other (or friend) out, then you are defining a rule: "This kind of behavior is unacceptable because it makes me feel X." This is the equivalent of telling them that they are "cheating"--breaking the rules and, suggestively, that they are cheating on you. If they have done a good enough job at establishing relationship rules, they can control who you spend your time with and what you do with other people, just by asserting that you are somehow responsible for how they feel. 
4. Flirting with OTHER people in front of you in order to make you jealous.--If they can make you jealous, the idea is that you will be more willing to invest in the relationship with them. The situation becomes win-lose in that they win and you lose by making you jealous and giving in to them. Alternatively, you win and they lose if you walk away from the relationship with them for something better, but the game player potentially can still win by turning to the person they were flirting with originally.

In all examples of relationship game-playing, one person CREATES a conflict and uses competitive conflict-resolution skills to set themselves up as the automatic winner of a win-lose conflict. --Let me emphasize "create" one more time, because in each of these situations there really is no need for a conflict.--Nothing is at stake here! They are essentially messing with your perceptions. In order for there to be a real conflict, needs fulfillment must be threatened--if the conflict is merely over the perception of whether our wants or needs are going to continue to be met, then we are not talking about a real conflict, but a fantasy conflict. Be weary of people who do this to you on purpose. 

So what happens if you refuse to play the game? Lets say that the other person refuses to call you until at least two days have passed, because in their sick-twisted mind they think that they are creating demand for themselves and that you will like them more. If you refuse to follow the rules and refuse to let the rules affect your relationship with them, you will call them when you feel like it, and if they don't respond, then you will carry on with your life as though their lack of response is not a big deal. When they get around to calling you, you may have moved on, you may enjoy their call, or you may not answer because you are actually busy. If they still think things are a game, then they will suddenly take MORE of an interest in you, because that's the rules of their game. You on the other hand, are not affected by the rules, because you are just living life and trying to incorporate them into your life. --but this is an easy example. 

Lets try something harder: let's say they are purposely trying to make you jealous so that you will take a greater interest in them and they can do whatever it is they do--take advantage of you in some way I presume. They flirt in front of you, and you DO get jealous of them. How would you not play the game in this situation?--If you react, then they have one-up'd you and you are more likely to do what they say in order to keep them for yourself; if you do not react, then you risk losing your relationship with them. 

To answer that question, you have to stop thinking about the other person, and start thinking about the way any normal human being would respond: if you truly care for that person, tell them. Tell them that you are jealous. Do not place demands on them, because doing so would trap you in the game--remember? The winner makes the decisions and the loser has to abide by whatever the new rules are. If you demand that they stop flirting and making you jealous, then you are playing another game with them. One in which, if they want to keep you, they must abide by your rules--again, this is a competitive approach (win-lose) and you are merely substituting one game for another. 

So how do we remedy this?

There are two counters for game playing: 

1. Proving that this is all based on perception and not based on reality. 
2. Seeking a collaborative conflict-resolution approach. 

To prove that your conflict is based on fantasy and not reality, you would need to have omniscient information about what the other person is thinking. Of course, you can always make guesses and assumptions, but I don't recommend that with relationships because there are several drawbacks that I'm not going to get into right now (perhaps my next article).  

Collaboration means both parties win. Whereas Competition focuses on only one person "winning," collaboration seeks outside-the-box alternatives. This should not be confused with Compromise, which is a conflict-resolution approach where both parties lose but retain their relationship. 

Collaborating is much easier than proving that your conflict is merely based on perceptions, because a collaborative solution can include elements of fantasy. What I mean is that you can as easily perceive that you are getting your wants fulfilled as you can actually fulfill your wants. 

If you have a want or need to connect with the other person and they don't answer the phone or make an attempt to call you, you can call them, and if they respond then you are getting what you want--a conversation. During the conversation, you might make a point to ask them or figure out what their wants are (such as to not think that they are coming on too quickly, or to have time and space to think for themselves) and you can help them fulfill their wants. This is the meaning of collaboration.

All of this is well, and good, but what if they don't respond or they don't respond in the way you want or need them to to feel satisfied? --Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. If they truly are playing games and they don't want to give up those games in order to have a relationship with you, then you have to realize that they are their own person and make their own decisions in life. 

As I stated at the beginning of this article, Playing Games is for Children. Mature Adults do not play games. If you are a mature adult, you should take some time to figure out exactly what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and what your wants and needs are. When you know those things, you can go out and get them. When you do not know those things, it is easier to get caught up in game-playing. 

Advice For Short-Term Relationships

I want to open this article by making a statement about ethics as they relate to relationships. At times, ethics can be a controversial topic so I'm going to try to be as P.C. as possible:

Whenever you form a relationship that purposely benefits you more than the other person, you're acting unethically. 

That means, if you purposely lead another person to believe that your relationship with them will be long-term and you only intend to have a short-term relationship, then you are acting unethically. It also means that if you form a competitive relationship with someone who does not stand to gain from a competitive relationship, then you are acting unethically. 

Therefore, using my classification guide, Players, Hogs, and King/Queen-servant relationships are inherently unethical. 80/20, 60/40, 70/30 (etc) relationships are not unethical whereas King-Servant and Queen-servant relationships are; because in an 80/20 relationship the person on the smaller half of the line's interests are being taken care of and they benefit from the relationship. By definition a relationship Hog or Player, by definition, is unethical as well because one person is getting advantage of the other person. 

Not all short-term relationships are unethical. Short-term relationships can be very fulfilling and functional provided that both individuals gain some sort of benefit and both individuals know under what terms the relationship will be ending. Not every relationship that you enter into needs to last forever, but every relationship that you enter into should offer some sort of benefit to you and to the other person. 

The rest of this article I am going to divide into two parts: 1. How to establish ethical Short-term Relationships (STRs), and 2. How to avoid being sucked into Short-term Relationships.

1.  How to establish good, ethical STRs

Acting ethically when you create short-term relationships is important because it will limit the number of problems you run into later on. The last thing you need to have happen is for someone's feelings to get hurt and to make your life miserable from that point on (there are some crazy people out there!) Acting ethically when you form relationships will limit conflict and can actually help you get what you want out of the relationship more easily. 

There are two things you will need to consider when you attempt to form a short term relationship:
First, consider that before you begin to meet your needs you will need to establish an agreement between you and the other person. You will have to indicate to the other person that your relationship with them will eventually end; and you will have to be clear about what you want to gain from your relationship with them.

If you are stuck working on a project with an individual who you don't necessarily like, coming to them openly about how you want to put differences aside so you can focus on your work until the project is over will help you establish an ethical (ceasefire) relationship.
If you and a friend are attracted to one another but don't believe you have long-term potential, then having a conversation with them about how you want to be friends with benefits until one of you finds a new love interest will no only create an ethical short-term relationship, but it will also help you fulfill your wants much sooner and more easily.

Second, you have to realize that even after your relationship has ended, you still run the risk of hurting the other person, or being hurt yourself. The subconscious inclination of most people is that when they invest in a relationship they want it to last. Even though you or they may claim (and be, perfectly happy) to form an STR with you [or them], when they [or you] are actually living through the separation point, they [or you] may change their [your] mind. You risk hurting them, and you risk hurting yourself.
For whatever reason, this risk scares people so much that they avoid telling the other person that they are only around for a short amount of time. It can be uncomfortable living in a short-term relationship where you both know it will end, and our instincts encourage us to retain power (in this case knowledge) over other people so that we ourselves don't get hurt--in which case we are acting unethically. Even when you aren't personally hurt by the parting, the knowledge that you accidentally hurt another individual can cause you to feel hurt as well.
Relationships are always risks, and you have to weigh the benefits against the possible negative outcomes. When you form an STR, you will save yourself a lot of trouble, and stand for maximum gain, if you are upfront with the other person about the ending conditions and you prepare for the possible risks.

2. How to avoid being sucked into STRs

This section is directed to those of us who have been the victim of a Player, had to deal with a relationship Hog, or has ever been stuck in a "whipped" relationship with someone who thought they were a King or a Queen and deserved to take more than we wanted to give them. These kinds of people have a way of sucking us into them and manipulating us, exploiting our weaknesses and ultimately getting more from us than we could ever get from them.

First, let me describe the most common tactics that each of the most common types of unethical individuals use:
Players - A player is anyone who lies or withholds the truth from you in order to lead you along. They may have a secret relationship that they are keeping from you; or they may be aware of things that would prevent them from having a long-term relationship with you such as personality differences, incompatible goals, differences in culture or life circumstance, etc. The primary tactic of the player is to take advantage of your wants and desires by letting you think that you will get your needs and wants met through them, even though they know there is very little chance of that.
Relationship Hogs - A relationship hog is anyone who refuses to bend--refuses to compromise or refuses to collaborate--they expect you to succumb to their will. At first, they don't seem so harmless and the relationship may actually be beneficial, but once you have invested just enough that you can't pull out they start to enforce their will on you. In a conflict, these people will make up every excuse about why they are justified and why you are not. They use hardheaded persistence to get what they want from you and if all else fails they'll do whatever they want to do anyway. Making agreements with them becomes useless because they can't or won't keep those agreements anyway.
The King or Queen - The way that a King or Queen manipulates you is through "low blow" tactics, such as the use of fear, guilt, or any claims to authority they might have over you, such as you own ignorance, use of "the letter of the law" when inappropriate, or tempting you with small doses of the things that you want. Basically anything that you allow them to use against you, they will use against you and they are experts at finding and exploiting those things.

1) The best and first thing you should do to prevent from getting stuck in a relationship with any of these people is to have a plan. Are you in a situation in life where you can reasonably and easily have an ethical, long-term relationship, or are you limited by your finances and life goals? For example, someone who intends to go to medical school will have a harder time forming a long-term romantic relationship than someone who is already started into their career and lives on their own. Be aware of your circumstances and formulate a plan that will lead to your needs and wants. It isn't impossible to form a long-term relationship with other people even when you have a lot of constraints from your goals and circumstances, but you'll have to be aware of those constraints so that you don't mesh with others who are incompatible.

2) The next thing you should do is place personal limits on yourself so that you don't get into difficult situations. I'm not endorsing a narrow minded perspective of dating and relationships, but if there are certain attributes that you will absolutely never settle on with relationships, then avoid situations that encourage those attributes. For example, if you would never be comfortable marrying someone who drinks, don't go to bars to meet people. Some advice: just don't make a long list of things to avoid. Focus on root needs and wants rather than surface needs and wants; for example, some people would never consider marrying a democrat or a republican, but political affiliation is only on the surface, the root need and desire is to not have conflicts and to support one another's decisions. Instead of saying you'll never get along with a democrat or a republican, you should say you would never get along with anyone who argues with you over politics. Plenty of people are capable of having different views than you and still respecting and understanding you and not wanting to argue about them.

3) Follow the old adage, "don't do anything you'll regret later." Before you make any decisions or give of yourself, whether time, money, or otherwise, take some time to consider whether you might feel bad about it later on. If you are giving money, time, or favors to another person in hopes that you'll get something in return that they aren't giving, then you probably need to reconsider giving of yourself in that way. Establish good boundaries and re-establish those boundaries if your relationship starts to slip. Until you have an official conversation about what kind of relationship you both want to build together, don't assume anything. Take conscious risks--ones that you know you are taking and have somewhat control over the outcomes--to progress the relationship rather than assumptive risks--risks that you take because you assume you are in a relationship type that you are not in.

4)  Don't have too thin of skin. Odds are against you that you'll make it through life without having a few bad relationships. You learn from having these  relationships and it becomes easier to discern between the good ones. Don't beat yourself up over having been suckered into a bad relationship, when the relationship ends, try to reflect on the positive side of things--breakups are good because they allow you to adjust your course towards something better.