What you don't realize about Abuse

This podcast is about abuse.




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Everyone has probably felt--and been--abused before, so I hope this is useful for a lot of people. Abuse is common, and no one wants to be abused or be an abuser because we are raised to know that it is wrong or bad. The problem is that even when we know it is a bad thing, we still accidentally abuse those we love and still get into abusive relationships without realizing it.

Here are a few key points about abuse:

• Abuse is any time that another person unfairly prevents you from fulfilling your basic needs--and they do it in order to maintain control over you. They then use that control to get their needs met and either minimally fulfill your needs or do not fulfill your needs at all. 
• The ideal situation for an abuser is to find themselves in a situation where, with minimal effort on their part, they keep you fulfilling their needs. 
• Abusers want to get you "hooked" on them by making you feel obligated to them either by making you believe that you owe them, or by appealing to your niceness--making you think that you are not being nice to them and need to be nicer, or by appealing to your nice, giving personality because they know you will always be nice to them. 
• Abusive relationships are different from short-term relationships. A short-term relationship can be severely one-sided--one person benefits drastically more than the other--but the fact that it is a short term relationship means it will end the moment that it becomes.
• Long-term relationships can never survive if they are abusive. If your relationship starts off with some degree of abuse, don't expect it to change or improve. 
• In fact, the chances of them making permanent changes are slim to none, especially if you are "hooked" already. This is because you have already allowed them to be in a high-power, low-risk position. They can remain the same and still maintain their lifestyle and be unaffected whereas you must change to keep them in your life. 
• You should be independent Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is in you--you are born with the capability--to be independent in these three big ways. --If you aren't right now, that is okay, but it should be your number one priority to obtain physical, mental, and emotional self-sufficiency from other people. 
• Not everyone is abusive, even if it appears that you may never find them.--you will, don't give up!
• Sometimes people are unknowingly abusive (yourself included). 
• If you are abusing others and you suddenly recognize it, change now and apologize to those you have abused. 
• If others are abusing you, and you suspect they do so unknowingly, treat the situation like you would any other conflict and seek out a win-win solution that allows both of you to get what you want. 
• If conflict resolution doesn't seem to change things for you, or the other person changes and then drifts back into abusive behavior, then the best thing you can do is walk away and create some distance. You don't have to end the relationship completely, but you do have to change it completely.
• Some ways in which you might be required to change are:
• Change the relationship type--change how you define the relationship, what you do with that person, and how involved and invested you are in their life.
• End the "seriousness" of the relationship--if you are in a serious, long-term relationship with them, you may need to end it and return to being just friends.
• Move out of the house--If you are living together, whether family, spouse, or significant other, it can be very beneficial to move out and live separately for a time--or indefinitely.
• Establish firm boundaries until you have obtained enough independence and confidence that you can return to them on good terms and not be abused.
• Things will never, and should never return to how they once were, before or during the abuse. The good parts of the relationship that you had in the beginning were what led up to the abusive parts of the relationship. It is a common mis-belief by the abused that the relationship will return to what it once was. It cannot, because the moment that it does, it will start down the same path it did previously which ended in abuse. You MUST change the relationship if you want to get over the abuse. 

I'm not a firm believer in ever ending a relationship, but if you are in an abusive relationship right now, you definitely need to create some space, establish new boundaries, and change the relationship before you can continue with it.

This comes from my experience dealing with my own abusive relationships and helping others deal with and break free from theirs, so it is a very personal topic for me. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help getting out, please text me, I'm here to help: [801]690.1495

Reframing the Relationship

Reframing is a very simple concept: to adjust and adapt your relationship in life of changes. Listen to the podcast for more:

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Changes that might force you to reframe your relationship are:
A) Changes in yourself - When your beliefs, lifestyle or values change (you find a new religion, decide to live in the mountains, start to work out and get in shape, etc.)
B) Changes in the other person - When their beliefs, lifestyle or values change (lose their job, get in an accident and face fear of getting in another, personal trauma, etc)
C) External Changes - Random, uncontrollable changes to your life circumstance (your government destabilizes and you get put under martial law, a major natural disaster threatens your town, etc)--I probably wasn't as clear as I could have been in the podcast about this type of change.

You should never give up on a relationship because when you do, you are forfeiting any investment you put into the relationship already. The greatest investment to a relationship happens in the very beginning when you are initially forming it, but the payoff always happens later on, and often the payoff in any relationship gets exponentially greater with time. When you give up on a relationship, you are not only giving up on all of the hard work you have already put into the relationship, but you are also giving up on the potential gain you will be getting in the future.


Previous Podcast:
Relationship Cycle 3: Expecting too Much
Relevant Articles:
All Relationships are Risks , Short Term Relationship Advice

Advice For Short-Term Relationships

I want to open this article by making a statement about ethics as they relate to relationships. At times, ethics can be a controversial topic so I'm going to try to be as P.C. as possible:

Whenever you form a relationship that purposely benefits you more than the other person, you're acting unethically. 

That means, if you purposely lead another person to believe that your relationship with them will be long-term and you only intend to have a short-term relationship, then you are acting unethically. It also means that if you form a competitive relationship with someone who does not stand to gain from a competitive relationship, then you are acting unethically. 

Therefore, using my classification guide, Players, Hogs, and King/Queen-servant relationships are inherently unethical. 80/20, 60/40, 70/30 (etc) relationships are not unethical whereas King-Servant and Queen-servant relationships are; because in an 80/20 relationship the person on the smaller half of the line's interests are being taken care of and they benefit from the relationship. By definition a relationship Hog or Player, by definition, is unethical as well because one person is getting advantage of the other person. 

Not all short-term relationships are unethical. Short-term relationships can be very fulfilling and functional provided that both individuals gain some sort of benefit and both individuals know under what terms the relationship will be ending. Not every relationship that you enter into needs to last forever, but every relationship that you enter into should offer some sort of benefit to you and to the other person. 

The rest of this article I am going to divide into two parts: 1. How to establish ethical Short-term Relationships (STRs), and 2. How to avoid being sucked into Short-term Relationships.

1.  How to establish good, ethical STRs

Acting ethically when you create short-term relationships is important because it will limit the number of problems you run into later on. The last thing you need to have happen is for someone's feelings to get hurt and to make your life miserable from that point on (there are some crazy people out there!) Acting ethically when you form relationships will limit conflict and can actually help you get what you want out of the relationship more easily. 

There are two things you will need to consider when you attempt to form a short term relationship:
First, consider that before you begin to meet your needs you will need to establish an agreement between you and the other person. You will have to indicate to the other person that your relationship with them will eventually end; and you will have to be clear about what you want to gain from your relationship with them.

If you are stuck working on a project with an individual who you don't necessarily like, coming to them openly about how you want to put differences aside so you can focus on your work until the project is over will help you establish an ethical (ceasefire) relationship.
If you and a friend are attracted to one another but don't believe you have long-term potential, then having a conversation with them about how you want to be friends with benefits until one of you finds a new love interest will no only create an ethical short-term relationship, but it will also help you fulfill your wants much sooner and more easily.

Second, you have to realize that even after your relationship has ended, you still run the risk of hurting the other person, or being hurt yourself. The subconscious inclination of most people is that when they invest in a relationship they want it to last. Even though you or they may claim (and be, perfectly happy) to form an STR with you [or them], when they [or you] are actually living through the separation point, they [or you] may change their [your] mind. You risk hurting them, and you risk hurting yourself.
For whatever reason, this risk scares people so much that they avoid telling the other person that they are only around for a short amount of time. It can be uncomfortable living in a short-term relationship where you both know it will end, and our instincts encourage us to retain power (in this case knowledge) over other people so that we ourselves don't get hurt--in which case we are acting unethically. Even when you aren't personally hurt by the parting, the knowledge that you accidentally hurt another individual can cause you to feel hurt as well.
Relationships are always risks, and you have to weigh the benefits against the possible negative outcomes. When you form an STR, you will save yourself a lot of trouble, and stand for maximum gain, if you are upfront with the other person about the ending conditions and you prepare for the possible risks.

2. How to avoid being sucked into STRs

This section is directed to those of us who have been the victim of a Player, had to deal with a relationship Hog, or has ever been stuck in a "whipped" relationship with someone who thought they were a King or a Queen and deserved to take more than we wanted to give them. These kinds of people have a way of sucking us into them and manipulating us, exploiting our weaknesses and ultimately getting more from us than we could ever get from them.

First, let me describe the most common tactics that each of the most common types of unethical individuals use:
Players - A player is anyone who lies or withholds the truth from you in order to lead you along. They may have a secret relationship that they are keeping from you; or they may be aware of things that would prevent them from having a long-term relationship with you such as personality differences, incompatible goals, differences in culture or life circumstance, etc. The primary tactic of the player is to take advantage of your wants and desires by letting you think that you will get your needs and wants met through them, even though they know there is very little chance of that.
Relationship Hogs - A relationship hog is anyone who refuses to bend--refuses to compromise or refuses to collaborate--they expect you to succumb to their will. At first, they don't seem so harmless and the relationship may actually be beneficial, but once you have invested just enough that you can't pull out they start to enforce their will on you. In a conflict, these people will make up every excuse about why they are justified and why you are not. They use hardheaded persistence to get what they want from you and if all else fails they'll do whatever they want to do anyway. Making agreements with them becomes useless because they can't or won't keep those agreements anyway.
The King or Queen - The way that a King or Queen manipulates you is through "low blow" tactics, such as the use of fear, guilt, or any claims to authority they might have over you, such as you own ignorance, use of "the letter of the law" when inappropriate, or tempting you with small doses of the things that you want. Basically anything that you allow them to use against you, they will use against you and they are experts at finding and exploiting those things.

1) The best and first thing you should do to prevent from getting stuck in a relationship with any of these people is to have a plan. Are you in a situation in life where you can reasonably and easily have an ethical, long-term relationship, or are you limited by your finances and life goals? For example, someone who intends to go to medical school will have a harder time forming a long-term romantic relationship than someone who is already started into their career and lives on their own. Be aware of your circumstances and formulate a plan that will lead to your needs and wants. It isn't impossible to form a long-term relationship with other people even when you have a lot of constraints from your goals and circumstances, but you'll have to be aware of those constraints so that you don't mesh with others who are incompatible.

2) The next thing you should do is place personal limits on yourself so that you don't get into difficult situations. I'm not endorsing a narrow minded perspective of dating and relationships, but if there are certain attributes that you will absolutely never settle on with relationships, then avoid situations that encourage those attributes. For example, if you would never be comfortable marrying someone who drinks, don't go to bars to meet people. Some advice: just don't make a long list of things to avoid. Focus on root needs and wants rather than surface needs and wants; for example, some people would never consider marrying a democrat or a republican, but political affiliation is only on the surface, the root need and desire is to not have conflicts and to support one another's decisions. Instead of saying you'll never get along with a democrat or a republican, you should say you would never get along with anyone who argues with you over politics. Plenty of people are capable of having different views than you and still respecting and understanding you and not wanting to argue about them.

3) Follow the old adage, "don't do anything you'll regret later." Before you make any decisions or give of yourself, whether time, money, or otherwise, take some time to consider whether you might feel bad about it later on. If you are giving money, time, or favors to another person in hopes that you'll get something in return that they aren't giving, then you probably need to reconsider giving of yourself in that way. Establish good boundaries and re-establish those boundaries if your relationship starts to slip. Until you have an official conversation about what kind of relationship you both want to build together, don't assume anything. Take conscious risks--ones that you know you are taking and have somewhat control over the outcomes--to progress the relationship rather than assumptive risks--risks that you take because you assume you are in a relationship type that you are not in.

4)  Don't have too thin of skin. Odds are against you that you'll make it through life without having a few bad relationships. You learn from having these  relationships and it becomes easier to discern between the good ones. Don't beat yourself up over having been suckered into a bad relationship, when the relationship ends, try to reflect on the positive side of things--breakups are good because they allow you to adjust your course towards something better.