How to Lose A Guy (or Girl) in 60 Sec

Ok, so the title of this article is a bit of a misnomer... What this article is really about is why men and women might be losing interest in you...but it could happen in 60 sec if you do the wrong things...

Everyone you have a relationship with is going to have a different threshold for losing interest in you. "Interest" is a very subjective term, meaning that the things that make one person interested in you might not be interesting to another. As well, some people will lose interest quickly after one negative experience happens and others will gradually lose interest over time only after consistent negative experiences.

Before I dive into a general list of possible reasons why someone might lose interest in you, I want to summarize a concept that I have explained elsewhere in this blog and in my book: relationships are sought out in order to more easily fulfill needs or wants. We seek relationships when we recognize that it is inefficient to continue fulfilling our needs on our own or we recognize that we cannot fulfill our wants by ourselves.--Needless to say, this is only a part of the equation regarding relationships, the other part is the relationships that we do not seek out.
At times, we are forced to have relationships because another individual has entered our life. The mere fact that someone comes into your world will trigger a conflict--the perceived threat to your resources. At times, the conflict level will be incredibly low and will not concern your day to day existence, but will still influence your relationship with that person because you will perceive a threat to your resources.
All in all, there are three forms of relationships: Those that threaten our survival, those that promote co-existence, and those that consciously benefit us. Relationships that threaten our survival are what we call, "in-conflict;" which means that there are problems with the relationship that have yet to be worked out. Relationships that promote co-existence tend to have conflicts as well, but both parties have a mutual understanding that they need to resolve those conflicts though either collaborating, compromising, or avoiding unnecessary conflicts altogether so that they can return to normal. Finally, there are the relationships that consciously benefit us, and these relationships are the ones that we (should) put the most energy and effort into. Consciously beneficial relationships have conflicts--just like the other forms of relationship--but those conflicts are easily resolved for the benefit of greater good for both sides. Beneficial relationships tend to be collaborative, and need to be so in order to have longevity, but occasionally they are merely short-term relationships and possibly only benefit the self and not the other person. Consciously beneficial relationships are the relationships we want to have.

Now that you understand the basics, here are the specifics we can pull from this: "Interest," for our intents and purposes, is the desire to turn a relationship into a long-term, consciously beneficial relationship, as opposed to one in-conflict or stagnating in a co-existing form of relationship.

So here it is.

"People will lose interest in you if..."

1. You have nothing to offer them of value. We seek out relationships that bring us value. If we can't get what we want on our own, we take an interest in others who can--at least as far as we want the thing that the other person can offer.--We also take an interest in people who can help us fulfill our needs better or more efficiently--though with needs, anyone can fulfill their own needs without the assistance of others, so you need to help them get those needs to a greater extent or more quickly for them to take that kind of interest in you.
2. They no longer want what you can offer. The moment that the other person no longer wants the things you offer, they will lose interest in you. If they suddenly get their wants (or needs) met to a greater extent by someone else--or find a way to get them met better, by themselves--they will lose interest in you. This is often the prime reason why people cheat--because they get their wants and desires met by someone else who is doing it better than you do--and this applies to sexual, emotional and mental cheating. [sorry to paint a grim picture for you] However, it is important to realize that cheating is multifaceted--when an individual isn't getting emotional needs or wants met, they may seek sexual wants in order to bandage the lack of emotional want fulfillment, even without realizing that the sexual want fulfillment doesn't resolve their emotional needs or wants, it merely bandages their lack of emotional needs fulfillment. They may even get in a cycle of this behavior, even though it doesn't resolve their needs or wants.
3. You aren't seeking them out. Relationships require communication--your communication. If you want a relationship with someone, you have to seek them out. The fact remains that you want something from them, so if you want a relationship with them, you have to seek them out. This implies calling them, texting them, visiting them--even introducing yourself to them (if you've never spoken to them in the real world before). You may have things of value to offer these people, but because they aren't aware of those things, they don't take an interest in you or seek you out. The moment that they recognize that you have things that they might want (or can help them meet their needs), they will express interest in you and you'll see them coming to you rather than you trying to sell yourself to them.
4. You are in conflict with them. People don't take kindly to conflict. Where they may be interested in you initially, they can lose that interest the moment that a conflict arises that isn't resolved. All people are interested in easy benefit, but if they have to fight against resistance to obtain that benefit, then they might not think the benefit is worth it.
   You put people into conflicting states when they have to evaluate the risk of doing something (such as investing their interest in you). Many people settle on coexisting relationships rather than beneficial relationships because the risks are too great or the resources required to maintain that form of relationship with you are more than they want to expend.
    You can overcome this reason by resolving the conflict and making it easier on them. If you minimize the risks they must take, or you minimize how much effort they must provide to be with you, you make it easier for them and remove the resistance to your relationship. You can transform a conflicting relationship, or a merely coexisting relationship into a beneficial relationship just by resolving a few simple conflicts.
   Conflict can come in the form of outright risk (the cost to them of having a relationship with you is too burdensome on their resources), and sometimes it can come in them the form of perceived threat to their lifestyle. If your beliefs and values conflict with their beliefs and values, obviously they are going to lose interest in you, but if you can show them how they do not conflict but actually work together, their interest in you will be renewed. 

With all forms of relationships, you need to approach the relationship with the understanding that at the present time, you may want that relationship more than the other person does. You also need to understand that no one needs a relationship and if you attempt to put yourself into a position where you will be needed (as opposed to wanted), you might want to re-evaluate whether you are in a healthy relationship with that person. 

The good news is, just because you want the relationship more than they do doesn't make it a "bad" relationship, nor does it make it any less beneficial to you. You also never know whether there may come a time when that person wants the relationship as much or more than you do; however your focus shouldn't be on whether you or whether they want the relationship the most. The measure of success in a relationship is based upon whether you are benefiting from the relationship and whether the risks and investment that you make to maintain that relationship are worth the benefit. You should focus on whether you enjoy the benefits that the relation brings, and whether you are capable of managing the risks associated with that relationship. 

As always, if you're struggling with relationship conflicts or if this topic is something you really want to improve on (having people become more interested in you), please schedule a time to meet with me, either on the phone or in person. I can help you develop a plan to improve this part of your life (or even a specific relationship that is suffering from one of the above 4 issues).

Dreams and Visions,Part 2- A Near Perfect Relationship is NOT a Perfect Relationship

I asked in the first part of this article, "what is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams, and fulfilling your visions?" I think everyone's answer to this question falls into one of two categories: First, you don't believe in it enough, and because you don't believe in it enough you fear the possibility that you might actually get it.--I explored that aspect of this question in Part 1 if you missed it--Second, you might not be reaching your dreams and fulfilling your visions because you believe in them too much.

I don't mean that you really believe in your dream too much, what I mean--what language has a hard time explaining on its own--is that you believe so much in your dream and want it so bad that you start seeing it everywhere that it isn't.

Where the first part of this answer breaks down to Fear, this part of the answer breaks down to Laziness.

You most likely aren't lazy, you just don't realize that you're taking the lazy way out. When we set out to fulfill our goals, generally one of two things happens to us along the way: 1) it gets hard, and 2) we tell ourselves we have it when we're really only halfway there. In other words, when it gets tough--as it always does--we either acknowledge that it is tough and we feel like giving up because we think it is too hard, or we lie to ourselves and say that we already did all of the hard parts and now we're reaping the rewards or that somehow we are satisfied with less than what we originally wanted.

In answer to the question, "What is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams and fulfilling your visions?" your honest answer might be: 1) I don't want to do the work, or 2) I don't want to face reality.

Success is never easy. Having the relationship of your dreams would be a major success in life and I'm here to tell you it is never easy. It is a grueling, rough, exhausting experience that you largely have to go through on your own. It starts by putting in the energy to find someone, anyone, who is capable of loving you and not abusing you. Then it requires taking all kinds of risks in order to be with that person and to include them in your life. Next you have to do the hard work of confronting your conflicts with each other, resolving them and spending countless hours thinking up a solution so those conflicts don't keep happening. Sometimes the hard parts aren't even that--they're putting up boundaries that protect you but still allow you to maintain a healthy relationship with that individual.

No one wants to face reality. Facing reality means we have to change. Facing reality is hard work because it requires us to rethink everything we previously thought about life. Sometimes we know that things aren't great for us, but we don't want to change because change is scary (Fear) and it is a lot of work (Laziness). Sometimes, the hard part of reaching your dream relationship isn't having a relationship at all, it's knowing when to let go of someone who can't be that dream relationship for you. Lastly, sometimes--even though it is depressing to think about--the real reason why you aren't already in that outstanding relationship, right now, is because you don't want it bad enough.

Let me repeat what I said in part 1 of this article; the second hardest part about dreaming is wanting it. A lot of people say that they want to have that perfect relationship. They want someone who is there for them when they are struggling, they want someone who is willing to admit they are wrong and apologize. They want someone who can give them hope for the future, listen to them, talk to them, and give them attention when they need it most. They want someone who will devote to them and commit to them, possibly start a family with them and most importantly love them and communicate that love.
But a lot of people only "kinda" want it.--anyone would want those things...at least, they think if they were presented those things for free that they wouldn't turn them down, but that isn't necessarily the truth. Naturally, we all want things the easy way, but when we get them the easy way we don't appreciate them and sometimes don't even acknowledge them. To be truthful, sometimes we don't want these great things as much as we want the conflict. Without the fights, without having to work for it, it isn't as appealing and we beat ourselves up for not going after those "easy" things. We want the drama and we want to work and sometimes we're willing (thrilled even) to beat ourselves up over being so dramatic. We say that we want those wonderful things in our relationships, but sometimes we want the bad parts more--and don't even realize it.

Our biggest fear isn't the work, it isn't that we might have to change or make hard decisions. Our biggest fear isn't that we are inadequate or that we might face pain or failure. Our biggest fear is really that we might actually get what we want, and then once we have what we want the whole world will be open to us. We fear that we will be so confident and comfortable with our lives and our relationships that we get lazy about getting there. We fear fulfilling our dreams so much that we are willing to settle for things that aren't as good and say that we have had enough of our dreams to satisfy us, but remember: a near perfect relationship is not a perfect relationship. Keep striving for your dreams until you have them, don't give up, don't quit, not until you really have it.

Dreams and Visions, Part 1: Don't let Fear Hold you Back

[People usually think that dreams are elusive and unattainable, or that what is perfect or ideal is impossible or improbable, that is fear speaking]

I wanted to write a motivating article on obtaining success, but as I wrote this I realized there are two topics I need to address and it started to get messy trying to cover both at the same time. So, lucky you, I broke it up into two articles;

Using words to describe this topic is difficult and constrained because our language doesn't have the perfect terms that are universally understood, so when I say "dreams" or "success" or "vision"s, the following articles are how I believe you should understand them. Since this blog is about relationships, you can think of this as your ideal relationship, the perfect scenario where you have an amazing relationship with another person.



The hardest part of getting exactly what you want out of life is coming up with the dream or vision for it. Most people are under the opinion that it is more difficult to achieve your goals, but I'm going to explain to you why the actual process of reaching your dreams is easy--deciding what you want to reach is the difficult part because it requires you to tap into the creative energy deep inside of you, or a better way of thinking about this is that to have visions, you have to make something out of nothing. Once you have a vision of where you want to go, it is much easier to gather the resources, do what needs to be done, and then one day arrive.
To have visions and to dream is nothing that I can help you with. Sorry, but nothing I tell you, or anyone can tell you, will make you dream better or define success. It is an individual journey that you must take on your own. You can't ask other people to help you come up with dreams for yourself, it just doesn't work that way, as I hope you will figure out the more you read.
If you can dream it, you can make it happen. The act of having visions of the future requires your mind to constrain itself to some degree of reality. If you are dreaming the right way--and of course you are--then for your dream to be desirable, there must be elements of the truth attached to it. Your mind turns the near reality into fantasy by devising some plausible--if unlikely--scenario that could unfold to make this ideal, visionary scenario happen. In other words, if you dream it up, then there has to be one or more ways that it can become real--and your subconscious knows, even if you don't.
That leads to the second hardest part about dreaming; wanting it. If you don't want the dream, desire the dream, and believe in the dream, then there is no way you'll obtain it. To have a real vision, to discover your passion, or to truly dream, you have to start by wanting something, and to keep thinking about and wanting for that thing to happen until you have a pretty general idea of how it will happen.

Alright, so you're starting to get that, but what is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams, or fulfilling your visions? I see the answer to this question coming down to two categories. First, you don't believe in it enough; or second, you believe in it too much.

Part 1 - Not believing in it enough

Not believing in your dreams enough comes in a couple of different forms. We do this when we think our dreams are unattainable, when we think they aren't meant to be, or when we tell ourselves that they are just fantasies. With our relationships, we might think that we aren't good enough to be with a certain person or that that special, superb relationship will never happen for us because we're not worthy. Sometimes we aren't believing enough in our dream when we say that we don't know how to make it happen.

To clarify, people who don't think they are worthy of their dreams might say things like, "it's not in me to reach this," or, "I don't think I have earned it," or "I'm not ready, I need to work on myself more," or they might flat-out blame themselves and say, "it's my own fault."--Sadly, these statements are all true...but, if you are saying them, that means you have acknowledged them and by that point they are completely false.
--This is where language tends to constrain this concept. As I mentioned earlier, there is no functional way for me to explain this. If you don't believe in your dreams, then you are making that lack of belief come true; but when you believe firmly in your dreams, that is when you start to make them come true.

Those who think the reason they aren't achieving their dreams is because they don't know how to do it might say things like, "I don't have the skill." Or, they might say, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong," or, "I don't know if I'm doing anything right." They might even say something as silly as, "No one will teach me how," or, "I haven't learned how." --All of this is preposterous! If you say these things, then yes, you are correct (again.) You don't know how, no one has taught you, and no one will tell you what to do because they don't know. No one has written the textbook on how to do whatever it is you want to achieve because no one is an expert yet. You must be that expert. This is your opening in life to greatness--no one has been there before, no one has trod that journey. It is up to you to fill in that void in the world that only you were able to see because you took the time to dream it up and have visions of it.
There comes a time in every greatness story where the guru is surpassed by the student. This is because the student took everything that the guru could possibly teach him or her and then realized that their guru was never able to get any better because they lacked a clear vision of what it takes to be the best, and when the student is able to see that vision, it is not difficult to get from being this inferior pipsqueek that isn't capable of doing things on their own and morphing into this confident, competent and completely capable individual who ranks among the best. --is that not what we all desire when we have a vision of something?

Both the lack of know-how and the belief that we are unworthy come down to one thing and one thing only: Fear.
--Again, language breaks down at this point, but the correct term is "Fear." If you argue out both of these things in your mind they inevitably come down to being afraid. Either because you don't know and fear what is going to happen when you venture into the unknown, or because you think something bad will happen to you because of your inadequacy.
Imagine a scenario in which you must take a leap over a giant, deadly hole. If you are inadequate--that is to say, that you don't have sufficient skill to clear the gap, then you will fall and die. On the other hand, if you don't take a leap, then what does it matter if you are inadequate?--why do you worry so much over something that you aren't going to do? Why worry about taking the leap that may possibly reach your goals, if you never intended to take that leap? --Yes, it is scary, and that is pure fear. Fear is what is holding you back from taking the leap--it isn't your inadequacy and it isn't that something bad is going to happen to you, because until you try for the thing you never really know that you are inadequate, and if you take the leap and fail, but are still able to take that leap over and over and over, then the real battle isn't over your inadequacy--you have proven you are adequate enough to take the chance again--it is a battle against the fear that maybe this next time you will actually clear the gap. You fear succeeding more than you fear failure.

Fear is the real enemy that is keeping you from having the most amazing relationships of your life. Fear is the only thing that opposes you, everything else stems from fear. All of your inadequacies stem from the fear that you aren't good enough, and all of the worry you have about being a failure--that worry is actually fear. So label it correctly.

If you can conquer fear, then nothing will stop you from achieving your dreams.

As I said in the beginning, achieving your goals isn't hard. That is the easy part because all you must do is conquer whatever fear hides behind that goal and then you'll reach that goal. The hard part is really dreaming--finding the things that you really believe in and want passionately. If you dream of having an outstanding, spectacular relationship with the person of your dreams. Then you should make a point to challenge fear at every opportunity. Anything that scares you, do it, don't think about it. If that means approaching someone to introduce yourself, do it. If that means admitting to yourself, and possibly to the other person that you are attracted to them or completely in love with them, don't hesitate, just do it. Or, if that means you need to confront a conflict you are having with another person, don't avoid the situation, confront it head on, because your dream of having that amazing relationship is worth it. You're worth it, and all it will take for you to realize that is to face your fear.



Part 2 coming soon!

What you don't realize about Abuse

This podcast is about abuse.




Here's the Player:




& Here's the Download: download


Everyone has probably felt--and been--abused before, so I hope this is useful for a lot of people. Abuse is common, and no one wants to be abused or be an abuser because we are raised to know that it is wrong or bad. The problem is that even when we know it is a bad thing, we still accidentally abuse those we love and still get into abusive relationships without realizing it.

Here are a few key points about abuse:

• Abuse is any time that another person unfairly prevents you from fulfilling your basic needs--and they do it in order to maintain control over you. They then use that control to get their needs met and either minimally fulfill your needs or do not fulfill your needs at all. 
• The ideal situation for an abuser is to find themselves in a situation where, with minimal effort on their part, they keep you fulfilling their needs. 
• Abusers want to get you "hooked" on them by making you feel obligated to them either by making you believe that you owe them, or by appealing to your niceness--making you think that you are not being nice to them and need to be nicer, or by appealing to your nice, giving personality because they know you will always be nice to them. 
• Abusive relationships are different from short-term relationships. A short-term relationship can be severely one-sided--one person benefits drastically more than the other--but the fact that it is a short term relationship means it will end the moment that it becomes.
• Long-term relationships can never survive if they are abusive. If your relationship starts off with some degree of abuse, don't expect it to change or improve. 
• In fact, the chances of them making permanent changes are slim to none, especially if you are "hooked" already. This is because you have already allowed them to be in a high-power, low-risk position. They can remain the same and still maintain their lifestyle and be unaffected whereas you must change to keep them in your life. 
• You should be independent Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is in you--you are born with the capability--to be independent in these three big ways. --If you aren't right now, that is okay, but it should be your number one priority to obtain physical, mental, and emotional self-sufficiency from other people. 
• Not everyone is abusive, even if it appears that you may never find them.--you will, don't give up!
• Sometimes people are unknowingly abusive (yourself included). 
• If you are abusing others and you suddenly recognize it, change now and apologize to those you have abused. 
• If others are abusing you, and you suspect they do so unknowingly, treat the situation like you would any other conflict and seek out a win-win solution that allows both of you to get what you want. 
• If conflict resolution doesn't seem to change things for you, or the other person changes and then drifts back into abusive behavior, then the best thing you can do is walk away and create some distance. You don't have to end the relationship completely, but you do have to change it completely.
• Some ways in which you might be required to change are:
• Change the relationship type--change how you define the relationship, what you do with that person, and how involved and invested you are in their life.
• End the "seriousness" of the relationship--if you are in a serious, long-term relationship with them, you may need to end it and return to being just friends.
• Move out of the house--If you are living together, whether family, spouse, or significant other, it can be very beneficial to move out and live separately for a time--or indefinitely.
• Establish firm boundaries until you have obtained enough independence and confidence that you can return to them on good terms and not be abused.
• Things will never, and should never return to how they once were, before or during the abuse. The good parts of the relationship that you had in the beginning were what led up to the abusive parts of the relationship. It is a common mis-belief by the abused that the relationship will return to what it once was. It cannot, because the moment that it does, it will start down the same path it did previously which ended in abuse. You MUST change the relationship if you want to get over the abuse. 

I'm not a firm believer in ever ending a relationship, but if you are in an abusive relationship right now, you definitely need to create some space, establish new boundaries, and change the relationship before you can continue with it.

This comes from my experience dealing with my own abusive relationships and helping others deal with and break free from theirs, so it is a very personal topic for me. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help getting out, please text me, I'm here to help: [801]690.1495

1 Trick that will Improve your Communication 10 Fold

I said elsewhere that my next podcast (this one) would be a trick post. Trick or Treat, Happy Halloween:

Here's the Player:




& Here's the Download: download


I don't normally post tricks, because I think it's too easy to only use tricks and not know the reasons why the tricks work, and tricks only work in specific situations, so if you're not in those situations and you don't know how to do it normally then you're out of luck...

But, I made an exception with this podcast.

The trick is:

"Filter everything you say into terms that they understand, first."

There are 3 steps to this trick:

1. Brainstorm
2. Present your Motivation
3. Express the Impact

People may not understand your motivations for doing, liking, or having an opinion of things; but they do understand how it will impact them.

1. When you brainstorm, you come up with areas of intersection that the other person might have a conflict over your motivation.

2. You present your motivation, or the opinion you have, or think you want to do, but you place very minor emphasis on it and don't put any expectation on them fully understanding it (it's nice if they do, but don't hold it against them). Try not to spend more than one sentence on what you are going to do or the thing that is on your mind.

3. Express how it is going to impact the other person. Be sure to use "we" or "us" or "you" to express in what ways you think it will affect the other person.

The objective of this trick is to either: A) get them to agree and be okay with your motivation before they have a chance to have a conflict over it. OR B) open up a discussion that will reveal other things about the other person that you might not understand already and, in the future you can be more considerate of them.


Some things to remember:

*Sincerity is the key.
*Just because it's a trick, don't automatically expect it to give you everything you want.
*Most conflicts that we run into are over a lack of understanding the other side. --either both sides fail to "get" what the other person is saying, or one side gets it but the other does not.

The Problem is YOU

Not to dishearten you, but the reason you are unsatisfied with any of the relationships in your life is because of things you have done. It's time to start thinking in terms of "you", rather than "them."

In this podcast, I go over two talking points:

1. We see the negative in others that we ourselves possess.
2. Society likes us to believe that it is always the other person who has the problem, and when we feel a certain way or recognize a problem with our relationships, we are inclined to believe that the problems are caused by the other person. 

Here's the Player:




& Here's the Download: download



We tend to focus on an External perspective of our relationships rather than an Internal one.

With an external perspective, we think that we have little to no control over what happens in our relationships. We carry expectations of other people and we hold people to strict rules, the consequences of such require them to make amends to us. If they cannot, or refuse to, make amends then we have liberty of walking away. An external perspective is concerned with right and wrong in a relationship.

With an internal perspective, we think that we control and shape the relationship through our actions. We make greatness out of what we are given. Our reactions to the other person keep the relationship on the course that we would like. We remain satisfied with the relationship because it is all based on our choices.

Because society is preoccupied with external perspectives of relationships, few people think to investigate what they could do to salvage their relationship. In the moment, few people take an audit of how much they value their relationship with the other person. Most importantly, most people never learn to manage extreme (life or death) conflicts and are comfortable running away because no one has taught them that there are alternatives and that they still retain control over how the relationship is going to turn out.

Ultimately, the only decisions that matter to your life are the decisions you make based on what you are given. No one can choose to give up on a relationship for you, only you can do that. Being happy with your relationships or lack thereof is solely up to you, you choose to be happy alone or to be happy with people. Regardless of how other people are, or are not (whether they meet your qualifications or not), you still choose to admit them or deny them in your life.

The only person you can blame for your life is yourself.