The Problem is YOU

Not to dishearten you, but the reason you are unsatisfied with any of the relationships in your life is because of things you have done. It's time to start thinking in terms of "you", rather than "them."

In this podcast, I go over two talking points:

1. We see the negative in others that we ourselves possess.
2. Society likes us to believe that it is always the other person who has the problem, and when we feel a certain way or recognize a problem with our relationships, we are inclined to believe that the problems are caused by the other person. 

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We tend to focus on an External perspective of our relationships rather than an Internal one.

With an external perspective, we think that we have little to no control over what happens in our relationships. We carry expectations of other people and we hold people to strict rules, the consequences of such require them to make amends to us. If they cannot, or refuse to, make amends then we have liberty of walking away. An external perspective is concerned with right and wrong in a relationship.

With an internal perspective, we think that we control and shape the relationship through our actions. We make greatness out of what we are given. Our reactions to the other person keep the relationship on the course that we would like. We remain satisfied with the relationship because it is all based on our choices.

Because society is preoccupied with external perspectives of relationships, few people think to investigate what they could do to salvage their relationship. In the moment, few people take an audit of how much they value their relationship with the other person. Most importantly, most people never learn to manage extreme (life or death) conflicts and are comfortable running away because no one has taught them that there are alternatives and that they still retain control over how the relationship is going to turn out.

Ultimately, the only decisions that matter to your life are the decisions you make based on what you are given. No one can choose to give up on a relationship for you, only you can do that. Being happy with your relationships or lack thereof is solely up to you, you choose to be happy alone or to be happy with people. Regardless of how other people are, or are not (whether they meet your qualifications or not), you still choose to admit them or deny them in your life.

The only person you can blame for your life is yourself.

Cycle 2: Walking Away

Cycle 1: Blaming Others
Cycle 2: Walking away (or The Fear of Commitment)

Here's the player:
Just over 18 min (Hey, I'm slowly shortening them!)

Here's the Download: download

I prefer to call this cycle the cycle of walking away, but most people refer to it as the fear of commitment. Basically, if you find you have had a lot of short relationships; or if you are the one who always ends relationships, then you may very likely be stuck in this cylce.

The pattern is as follows:
1. (normal)Things are going along fine
2. (something happens) Something changes for you or the other person, or the realization that something has changed finally sets in.
3. (you react) You reflect on your goals, dreams, life, etc and put everything into perspective and how some of those things are now harder would be different if you continued on the current path.
4. (resolve) You react by turning inward, planning an exit strategy, looking for a reason to leave, check out mentally, or just plain disappear.

Blaming others is often an internal struggle to cope with your own emotions whereas this cycle of walking away is more of a struggle with dealing with change and risk.

Society likes to fill people's heads with garbage about "one true love" or differentiate between people who are "Right for you" and people who just aren't. There is a common misconception out there that you will "find" the ideal relationship--you'll meet someone who everything just clicks and live happily ever after. There is no such thing. Relationships require work, they require you to take risks and manage changes. You have to build your best relationships, they don't just happen.

Quotes:
Relationships are Risks
The only person holding you back from your goals or dreams is you.
Any two people can be right for one another if they are committed to making it work
If you're really committed to the relationship the way you should be, then you will learn the skills needed to have a good relationship with that person.
You need to commit today to stick with your next (or current) relationship no matter what.
Relationships don't hold you back, they help you.

Additional Topcis in this podcast:
Synergy - The principle that two people together produce more than two people individually.

Change is Inevitable - Everyone changes. The person you are today is not the person you will be tomorrow. Something will happen between now and when you go to bed that makes you just a little bit different tomorrow than you are right now. Being in a relationship with someone means you are agreeing to adapt to the changes that affect both of you.

Risk - Risk is defined as any unforeseen event or activity that can impact your life, the other person's life or the relationship. Risks require you to put in an effort or investment that you may not get back in the way that you want or may be worth substantially more.

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