How to Lose A Guy (or Girl) in 60 Sec

Ok, so the title of this article is a bit of a misnomer... What this article is really about is why men and women might be losing interest in you...but it could happen in 60 sec if you do the wrong things...

Everyone you have a relationship with is going to have a different threshold for losing interest in you. "Interest" is a very subjective term, meaning that the things that make one person interested in you might not be interesting to another. As well, some people will lose interest quickly after one negative experience happens and others will gradually lose interest over time only after consistent negative experiences.

Before I dive into a general list of possible reasons why someone might lose interest in you, I want to summarize a concept that I have explained elsewhere in this blog and in my book: relationships are sought out in order to more easily fulfill needs or wants. We seek relationships when we recognize that it is inefficient to continue fulfilling our needs on our own or we recognize that we cannot fulfill our wants by ourselves.--Needless to say, this is only a part of the equation regarding relationships, the other part is the relationships that we do not seek out.
At times, we are forced to have relationships because another individual has entered our life. The mere fact that someone comes into your world will trigger a conflict--the perceived threat to your resources. At times, the conflict level will be incredibly low and will not concern your day to day existence, but will still influence your relationship with that person because you will perceive a threat to your resources.
All in all, there are three forms of relationships: Those that threaten our survival, those that promote co-existence, and those that consciously benefit us. Relationships that threaten our survival are what we call, "in-conflict;" which means that there are problems with the relationship that have yet to be worked out. Relationships that promote co-existence tend to have conflicts as well, but both parties have a mutual understanding that they need to resolve those conflicts though either collaborating, compromising, or avoiding unnecessary conflicts altogether so that they can return to normal. Finally, there are the relationships that consciously benefit us, and these relationships are the ones that we (should) put the most energy and effort into. Consciously beneficial relationships have conflicts--just like the other forms of relationship--but those conflicts are easily resolved for the benefit of greater good for both sides. Beneficial relationships tend to be collaborative, and need to be so in order to have longevity, but occasionally they are merely short-term relationships and possibly only benefit the self and not the other person. Consciously beneficial relationships are the relationships we want to have.

Now that you understand the basics, here are the specifics we can pull from this: "Interest," for our intents and purposes, is the desire to turn a relationship into a long-term, consciously beneficial relationship, as opposed to one in-conflict or stagnating in a co-existing form of relationship.

So here it is.

"People will lose interest in you if..."

1. You have nothing to offer them of value. We seek out relationships that bring us value. If we can't get what we want on our own, we take an interest in others who can--at least as far as we want the thing that the other person can offer.--We also take an interest in people who can help us fulfill our needs better or more efficiently--though with needs, anyone can fulfill their own needs without the assistance of others, so you need to help them get those needs to a greater extent or more quickly for them to take that kind of interest in you.
2. They no longer want what you can offer. The moment that the other person no longer wants the things you offer, they will lose interest in you. If they suddenly get their wants (or needs) met to a greater extent by someone else--or find a way to get them met better, by themselves--they will lose interest in you. This is often the prime reason why people cheat--because they get their wants and desires met by someone else who is doing it better than you do--and this applies to sexual, emotional and mental cheating. [sorry to paint a grim picture for you] However, it is important to realize that cheating is multifaceted--when an individual isn't getting emotional needs or wants met, they may seek sexual wants in order to bandage the lack of emotional want fulfillment, even without realizing that the sexual want fulfillment doesn't resolve their emotional needs or wants, it merely bandages their lack of emotional needs fulfillment. They may even get in a cycle of this behavior, even though it doesn't resolve their needs or wants.
3. You aren't seeking them out. Relationships require communication--your communication. If you want a relationship with someone, you have to seek them out. The fact remains that you want something from them, so if you want a relationship with them, you have to seek them out. This implies calling them, texting them, visiting them--even introducing yourself to them (if you've never spoken to them in the real world before). You may have things of value to offer these people, but because they aren't aware of those things, they don't take an interest in you or seek you out. The moment that they recognize that you have things that they might want (or can help them meet their needs), they will express interest in you and you'll see them coming to you rather than you trying to sell yourself to them.
4. You are in conflict with them. People don't take kindly to conflict. Where they may be interested in you initially, they can lose that interest the moment that a conflict arises that isn't resolved. All people are interested in easy benefit, but if they have to fight against resistance to obtain that benefit, then they might not think the benefit is worth it.
   You put people into conflicting states when they have to evaluate the risk of doing something (such as investing their interest in you). Many people settle on coexisting relationships rather than beneficial relationships because the risks are too great or the resources required to maintain that form of relationship with you are more than they want to expend.
    You can overcome this reason by resolving the conflict and making it easier on them. If you minimize the risks they must take, or you minimize how much effort they must provide to be with you, you make it easier for them and remove the resistance to your relationship. You can transform a conflicting relationship, or a merely coexisting relationship into a beneficial relationship just by resolving a few simple conflicts.
   Conflict can come in the form of outright risk (the cost to them of having a relationship with you is too burdensome on their resources), and sometimes it can come in them the form of perceived threat to their lifestyle. If your beliefs and values conflict with their beliefs and values, obviously they are going to lose interest in you, but if you can show them how they do not conflict but actually work together, their interest in you will be renewed. 

With all forms of relationships, you need to approach the relationship with the understanding that at the present time, you may want that relationship more than the other person does. You also need to understand that no one needs a relationship and if you attempt to put yourself into a position where you will be needed (as opposed to wanted), you might want to re-evaluate whether you are in a healthy relationship with that person. 

The good news is, just because you want the relationship more than they do doesn't make it a "bad" relationship, nor does it make it any less beneficial to you. You also never know whether there may come a time when that person wants the relationship as much or more than you do; however your focus shouldn't be on whether you or whether they want the relationship the most. The measure of success in a relationship is based upon whether you are benefiting from the relationship and whether the risks and investment that you make to maintain that relationship are worth the benefit. You should focus on whether you enjoy the benefits that the relation brings, and whether you are capable of managing the risks associated with that relationship. 

As always, if you're struggling with relationship conflicts or if this topic is something you really want to improve on (having people become more interested in you), please schedule a time to meet with me, either on the phone or in person. I can help you develop a plan to improve this part of your life (or even a specific relationship that is suffering from one of the above 4 issues).

What Alternative Is Their to Being Used for Wants?

There is an obvious difference between wants and needs. Needs are required for you to keep on living. Wants are things that would be nice and could improve your life, but that you could do without. Ideally, you would fulfill all of your needs and wants, but that isn't always the case. There may come a time when you have to choose between fulfilling your needs and fulfilling your wants-- this is a form of conflict--and before you can fulfill either, you will have to make a decision. --I suggest that you always prioritize your needs over your wants, no matter how rare or thrilling the want is. If your needs aren't getting met then you need to focus on meeting them first before you will fully enjoy the wants.

Your life of relationships is crammed full of wants and needs. You might want to have friends, or a boyfriend or girlfriend, you might some day want to get married and have children, or you might want to live a single life and never be tied down. --These are all wants. They are not necessary parts of life and just because you want them doesn't mean that you need them. You do not need to have friends, a significant other, you do not need to get married or have children and you do not need to live a single life. Not only are they wants, but they are extreme wants. A radical person would insist that they need to get married to be satisfied with life, when that isn't true.

The assumption is often made that the reason you "need" the above wants is because they are the so-called "natural" way of life, or that by some divine law, Providence requires you to do these things. Worse still is the assumption that the only way to have access to certain avenues of needs fulfillment is to possess these things. Yet, there are ALWAYS other means to the same ends. By insisting on these things you are actually turning your relationship into a means to an end--one might even say you are simply using the other person. --That's not cool.

When many people talk about what they are looking for in a significant other, they list off a mixture of things that they want or that they need. "I need a husband who will provide for my kids, be great in bed, help me reach my goals, and make me feel loved," is a common statement. But if you noticed the words I italicized, that statement is LOADED. I know many people will disagree with me when I say this, but such speakers are setting themselves up for a selfish pursuit of want-fulfillment. The statement places responsibility on the significant other to unconditionally love them, unconditionally help them accomplish their goals, even excel in bed; it forces that person to have children, and provide for those children and forces them to marry. Are you still following?--by insisting on these wants, you force one person to do all of these things--you use them to have children and live the life that you want.
One of three things will happen because of this: 1) you will find someone who WANTS to do these things; and if your list of wants is short enough you might actually find someone to do these things for you, but if you're greedy and have a long list of things you want out of your significant other, then you make this more difficult and maybe impossible. 2) you will find someone who doesn't want these things but will manipulate and coerce them into doing them, and if you're lucky, that individual will be submissive and "stupid" enough that they actually go along with you. 3) You will never find someone who meets all of your wants; and this is dangerous, because you could attempt to force your wants onto them only to ruin the relationship with that person, or you yourself could settle into never getting your wants met and possibly become unhappy because of it.

What alternative do you have?

As far as relationships are concerned, the opposite of a want is a need. Needs are simple and basic. I need to eat every day, I need to sleep regularly and uninterrupted, I need to believe that I am sane and that I have a purpose, and I need to feel safe and comfortable enough to have and express emotions, as well as to believe I am connected to the world (and others) around me.... The list for humans goes on and on, but if you've ever read up on Maslow's Hierarchy you are probably familiar with the basics.
I am a firm supporter of fulfilling your needs individually before bringing others in to help you. How is that possible? And if it is possible, then why involve people in the first place? The answer is simple: because including others in your life can help you fulfill your needs more efficiently. You can do them on your own if it comes down to it, but allowing someone else to do them for you because they are better at it makes for a better relationship all around.
This type of relationship is not a dependency; if you can meet your needs individually and they can meet theirs, then neither of you are required to be together. The beautiful thing about this is that you can be together because you want to be together. You can love the other person for who they are rather than what you want them to be. If they don't want certain things that you want, then that is okay because you don't need those things; and in time perhaps you can even get your wants met if you are patient. Stress the things that you need, not the things that you want and your relationships will be satisfying and wonderful.

Cycle 3: Expecting too Much

This is the fourth podcast in this series about relationship cycles. Let me recap the previous podcasts:

1. Introduction to Relationship Cycles
2. A Common Relationship Cycle: Blaming Others
3. Another Common Relationship Cycle: Walking Away

And now this Common Relationship Cycle: Expecting too much

Here's the player:
Just under 17 min :)

Here's the Download: download

We all have expectations when we form any kind of relationship (business, friendship, romantic, short-term, etc)

You probably won't find anyone who meets your expectations 100% and even if you do, it will be difficult to attract or hold on to those individuals if you can't be 100% of their expectations as well.

This cycle works like this:

1. You're fine
2. You recognize that the other person isn't meeting your expectations
3. You are repelled by that person
4. You write them off or cross them off of your list


Having high expectations sets you up to be desperate; when you perceive that the real deal has come along, you would give anything to hold onto them--and that's dangerous!

There is no reason to end any relationship. You can always find some form of relationship--that benefits both of you--for everyone you meet.

If you fall into this cycle, what you are really doing is saying that you don't believe in the power of change (for yourself or for the other person). People change every day. People change based on the people they associate with, are friends with, spend time with and talk to regularly.

You aren't helping yourself any by having high expectations of others, in fact: A) You don't have the benefits of relationships because you don't keep them for long, B) You don't develop relationship skills because it requires relationships to develop these, C) You are wasting your time today in hopes of something tomorrow...that may never come.

To break this cycle you need to fight the urge to cross people off of your list. It is difficult to change your expectations of other people (and that's called settling anyway and isn't always a good thing). It is also difficult to fight the urge to be repelled by other people (step 3). Like the other cycles it is easiest to break the cycle on the fourth step: instead of writing people off of your list, continue in the relationship, reframe it (Which I will talk about in my next podcast!), and believe in the power of change--that they will change and you will change and that you will both still benefit from the relationship.

There is no "one true love" and there are no distinctions between people who are "Right for you" and people who are "wrong for you." EVERYONE is right for you if you are just devoted to the relationship; and if you are truly devoted you will develop the relationship skills necessary to make this relationship work.