What you don't realize about Abuse

This podcast is about abuse.




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Everyone has probably felt--and been--abused before, so I hope this is useful for a lot of people. Abuse is common, and no one wants to be abused or be an abuser because we are raised to know that it is wrong or bad. The problem is that even when we know it is a bad thing, we still accidentally abuse those we love and still get into abusive relationships without realizing it.

Here are a few key points about abuse:

• Abuse is any time that another person unfairly prevents you from fulfilling your basic needs--and they do it in order to maintain control over you. They then use that control to get their needs met and either minimally fulfill your needs or do not fulfill your needs at all. 
• The ideal situation for an abuser is to find themselves in a situation where, with minimal effort on their part, they keep you fulfilling their needs. 
• Abusers want to get you "hooked" on them by making you feel obligated to them either by making you believe that you owe them, or by appealing to your niceness--making you think that you are not being nice to them and need to be nicer, or by appealing to your nice, giving personality because they know you will always be nice to them. 
• Abusive relationships are different from short-term relationships. A short-term relationship can be severely one-sided--one person benefits drastically more than the other--but the fact that it is a short term relationship means it will end the moment that it becomes.
• Long-term relationships can never survive if they are abusive. If your relationship starts off with some degree of abuse, don't expect it to change or improve. 
• In fact, the chances of them making permanent changes are slim to none, especially if you are "hooked" already. This is because you have already allowed them to be in a high-power, low-risk position. They can remain the same and still maintain their lifestyle and be unaffected whereas you must change to keep them in your life. 
• You should be independent Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is in you--you are born with the capability--to be independent in these three big ways. --If you aren't right now, that is okay, but it should be your number one priority to obtain physical, mental, and emotional self-sufficiency from other people. 
• Not everyone is abusive, even if it appears that you may never find them.--you will, don't give up!
• Sometimes people are unknowingly abusive (yourself included). 
• If you are abusing others and you suddenly recognize it, change now and apologize to those you have abused. 
• If others are abusing you, and you suspect they do so unknowingly, treat the situation like you would any other conflict and seek out a win-win solution that allows both of you to get what you want. 
• If conflict resolution doesn't seem to change things for you, or the other person changes and then drifts back into abusive behavior, then the best thing you can do is walk away and create some distance. You don't have to end the relationship completely, but you do have to change it completely.
• Some ways in which you might be required to change are:
• Change the relationship type--change how you define the relationship, what you do with that person, and how involved and invested you are in their life.
• End the "seriousness" of the relationship--if you are in a serious, long-term relationship with them, you may need to end it and return to being just friends.
• Move out of the house--If you are living together, whether family, spouse, or significant other, it can be very beneficial to move out and live separately for a time--or indefinitely.
• Establish firm boundaries until you have obtained enough independence and confidence that you can return to them on good terms and not be abused.
• Things will never, and should never return to how they once were, before or during the abuse. The good parts of the relationship that you had in the beginning were what led up to the abusive parts of the relationship. It is a common mis-belief by the abused that the relationship will return to what it once was. It cannot, because the moment that it does, it will start down the same path it did previously which ended in abuse. You MUST change the relationship if you want to get over the abuse. 

I'm not a firm believer in ever ending a relationship, but if you are in an abusive relationship right now, you definitely need to create some space, establish new boundaries, and change the relationship before you can continue with it.

This comes from my experience dealing with my own abusive relationships and helping others deal with and break free from theirs, so it is a very personal topic for me. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help getting out, please text me, I'm here to help: [801]690.1495

Cycle 3: Expecting too Much

This is the fourth podcast in this series about relationship cycles. Let me recap the previous podcasts:

1. Introduction to Relationship Cycles
2. A Common Relationship Cycle: Blaming Others
3. Another Common Relationship Cycle: Walking Away

And now this Common Relationship Cycle: Expecting too much

Here's the player:
Just under 17 min :)

Here's the Download: download

We all have expectations when we form any kind of relationship (business, friendship, romantic, short-term, etc)

You probably won't find anyone who meets your expectations 100% and even if you do, it will be difficult to attract or hold on to those individuals if you can't be 100% of their expectations as well.

This cycle works like this:

1. You're fine
2. You recognize that the other person isn't meeting your expectations
3. You are repelled by that person
4. You write them off or cross them off of your list


Having high expectations sets you up to be desperate; when you perceive that the real deal has come along, you would give anything to hold onto them--and that's dangerous!

There is no reason to end any relationship. You can always find some form of relationship--that benefits both of you--for everyone you meet.

If you fall into this cycle, what you are really doing is saying that you don't believe in the power of change (for yourself or for the other person). People change every day. People change based on the people they associate with, are friends with, spend time with and talk to regularly.

You aren't helping yourself any by having high expectations of others, in fact: A) You don't have the benefits of relationships because you don't keep them for long, B) You don't develop relationship skills because it requires relationships to develop these, C) You are wasting your time today in hopes of something tomorrow...that may never come.

To break this cycle you need to fight the urge to cross people off of your list. It is difficult to change your expectations of other people (and that's called settling anyway and isn't always a good thing). It is also difficult to fight the urge to be repelled by other people (step 3). Like the other cycles it is easiest to break the cycle on the fourth step: instead of writing people off of your list, continue in the relationship, reframe it (Which I will talk about in my next podcast!), and believe in the power of change--that they will change and you will change and that you will both still benefit from the relationship.

There is no "one true love" and there are no distinctions between people who are "Right for you" and people who are "wrong for you." EVERYONE is right for you if you are just devoted to the relationship; and if you are truly devoted you will develop the relationship skills necessary to make this relationship work.