What you don't realize about Abuse

This podcast is about abuse.




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Everyone has probably felt--and been--abused before, so I hope this is useful for a lot of people. Abuse is common, and no one wants to be abused or be an abuser because we are raised to know that it is wrong or bad. The problem is that even when we know it is a bad thing, we still accidentally abuse those we love and still get into abusive relationships without realizing it.

Here are a few key points about abuse:

• Abuse is any time that another person unfairly prevents you from fulfilling your basic needs--and they do it in order to maintain control over you. They then use that control to get their needs met and either minimally fulfill your needs or do not fulfill your needs at all. 
• The ideal situation for an abuser is to find themselves in a situation where, with minimal effort on their part, they keep you fulfilling their needs. 
• Abusers want to get you "hooked" on them by making you feel obligated to them either by making you believe that you owe them, or by appealing to your niceness--making you think that you are not being nice to them and need to be nicer, or by appealing to your nice, giving personality because they know you will always be nice to them. 
• Abusive relationships are different from short-term relationships. A short-term relationship can be severely one-sided--one person benefits drastically more than the other--but the fact that it is a short term relationship means it will end the moment that it becomes.
• Long-term relationships can never survive if they are abusive. If your relationship starts off with some degree of abuse, don't expect it to change or improve. 
• In fact, the chances of them making permanent changes are slim to none, especially if you are "hooked" already. This is because you have already allowed them to be in a high-power, low-risk position. They can remain the same and still maintain their lifestyle and be unaffected whereas you must change to keep them in your life. 
• You should be independent Physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is in you--you are born with the capability--to be independent in these three big ways. --If you aren't right now, that is okay, but it should be your number one priority to obtain physical, mental, and emotional self-sufficiency from other people. 
• Not everyone is abusive, even if it appears that you may never find them.--you will, don't give up!
• Sometimes people are unknowingly abusive (yourself included). 
• If you are abusing others and you suddenly recognize it, change now and apologize to those you have abused. 
• If others are abusing you, and you suspect they do so unknowingly, treat the situation like you would any other conflict and seek out a win-win solution that allows both of you to get what you want. 
• If conflict resolution doesn't seem to change things for you, or the other person changes and then drifts back into abusive behavior, then the best thing you can do is walk away and create some distance. You don't have to end the relationship completely, but you do have to change it completely.
• Some ways in which you might be required to change are:
• Change the relationship type--change how you define the relationship, what you do with that person, and how involved and invested you are in their life.
• End the "seriousness" of the relationship--if you are in a serious, long-term relationship with them, you may need to end it and return to being just friends.
• Move out of the house--If you are living together, whether family, spouse, or significant other, it can be very beneficial to move out and live separately for a time--or indefinitely.
• Establish firm boundaries until you have obtained enough independence and confidence that you can return to them on good terms and not be abused.
• Things will never, and should never return to how they once were, before or during the abuse. The good parts of the relationship that you had in the beginning were what led up to the abusive parts of the relationship. It is a common mis-belief by the abused that the relationship will return to what it once was. It cannot, because the moment that it does, it will start down the same path it did previously which ended in abuse. You MUST change the relationship if you want to get over the abuse. 

I'm not a firm believer in ever ending a relationship, but if you are in an abusive relationship right now, you definitely need to create some space, establish new boundaries, and change the relationship before you can continue with it.

This comes from my experience dealing with my own abusive relationships and helping others deal with and break free from theirs, so it is a very personal topic for me. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help getting out, please text me, I'm here to help: [801]690.1495

Relationship Compatibility

This is my attempt to weigh in on all this talk about "Compatibility."

You hear people talk about their "must haves" with their relationships, including going as far as to mention height, hair color, and eye color. Online sites are notorious for this behavior and some even claim they have algorithms that predict compatibility.

What a bunch of garbage! Everyone is compatible with everyone!

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• Relationships are not rigid. People use words to describe their relationships, they don't use relationships to define words--a cheap way of saying: don't go around looking to make "Friends" or a "Husband/Wife" go around trying to form good relationships with everyone and then describe those relationships using your own words--be original.

• Your "must haves" are really just justifications for not forming a relationship with someone and come down to choices you are making, not choices they have made. When you say that things wouldn't work out with you and another person and then to deny a relationship with them on the grounds that they, "don't believe in god," "aren't a college graduate," "aren't pretty enough," "have tattoos," "don't live the lifestyle that you want to live," etc, you are saying, "I am better than you," "I'm too ethnocentric, racist, prejudice, sexist, or otherwise to have a relationship with you."--This is the definition of a snob and unless you've got all of the relationships you need in life, you had better not be a snob.

• When someone expresses interest in you, they aren't asking you to sleep with them, have their kids, or marry them; they are asking to get to know you (or that they would like you to get to know them). It isn't that difficult to learn something new about someone you don't know--and it's not a bad thing to share things about yourself with someone you don't know. Plus, you have an opportunity to benefit from this other person by trading them what they want for what you want. 

• Whenever someone expresses an interest in you, they are giving you a gift. They are giving you a part of themselves, for free, and they are taking away some of the risk involved in getting to know them. What do you do when someone gives you a gift? Do you take it graciously, or do you throw it away because it's not good enough for you? 

• Lastly, it is impossible to make a decision about whether a relationship would work with someone unless you spend at least a year with them--so when you rule people out based on quick decisions of the moment, you are playing on your own biases and are probably wrong. Don't make quick decisions!

Instead of looking at potential relationships and saying that you don't have time to waste on certain people who don't fit your strict criteria, try looking at life with the attitude, "where can I find a place for you?" 

How to Reach Marriage the Right Way not the Right Now

Anyone can get married, but not all marriages are stable, secure and beneficial. You want to get married, it's a goal of yours, but you want it to last and you want it to make you the happiest person on earth. To succeed with this goal you'll need to be smart about the entire process and make some crucial decisions now to prepare you for then. If you want to make good decisions, you need to first understand what you're getting into and hopefully this article will enlighten you a little bit.

• You will have to take smaller steps if you want to reach such a massive goal

The easiest way to reach a major goal is to break it down into smaller, more manageable parts. Sometimes it can be difficult to track your progress on bigger goals without breaking them down; and it is easy to get caught up in hopelessness when you don't know if you are making any progress. 

• There are 4 steps that lead to marriage

First, you frequent gathering places and introduce yourself to people with the intent of forming a relationship. Next, you invite some these people (the ones that interest you) to spend time with you outside of the gathering places to get to know them better.

Then, you make an agreement with one of these people to work towards marriage, create plans, and practice making commitments

Finally, you get married and follow through with the plans you made in the previous step.

• These steps can branch into other types of relationships, than marriage, on purpose or on accident

Not all relationships are bound to be marriages. Sometimes you meet people who are incompatible marriage partners but good potential friends. The steps to a good, lifelong friend are similar and might look like this: 1.mingling, 2.dating, 3.friendship. rather than 1.mingling, 2.dating, 3.courting. 

Sometimes the course change happens by your control, such as when you both mutually agree that you merely want to be friends; and sometimes it happens out of your control, such as when the other person decides that they want to pursue other career, spiritual, or life interests that you can't be a part of. 

• There is no "perfect" time limit associated with these steps

Quantity is no indicator of efficiency or quality--if you think being with someone for six months and still not progressing into a courting relationship is absurd, you're looking a things in the wrong way. The purpose of mingling is to form potential relationships--again, not all relationships turn into marriages, or for that matter not everyone you meet will warrant a date. Spending a lot of time in one phase is just an indicator that there are still more things you need to work on. Sometimes you meet people that are direct and make it easy to cover the important parts of each phase you're in with them, other times you meet people who are less focused and it requires a little more work to focus on the important aspects of each phase.

You do yourself a disservice by trying to force the advancement of a relationship for the wrong reasons. You want to get married the right way, not simply right now.

• It is better to start the dating phase with single dates rather than double or group dates

Spending alone time with someone can be awkward when you first try it. If this is something you struggle with, I suggest meeting with me individually for life-coaching because I know of several techniques to help you feel more comfortable in this stage. Group dates or double dates may make you feel less awkward and more "safe," but they start your relationship off in the wrong direction. They substitute immediate safety for later insecurity because when you do make the leap into alone time with that person you, or they, still rely (and sometimes retain) support from their previous group mates. Bi-lateral relationships aren't a social affair, even though they start out as such in mingling, so it's best not to encourage the development of multi-lateral relationships from the get-go.

On the other hand, if you're looking to start a polyamorous or polygamous relationship you would be ahead to do a lot of group dating because you will build your relationship on a multi-lateral rather than bi-lateral relationship dynamic. Like I always say: build the type of relationship you want from the very beginning. 

• Courting gives you the opportunity to plan with, and to practice committing to, your partner

Most marriage types emphasize long-term commitment and shared goals/objectives, which requires a lot of trust. Before you can satisfy your need to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you need to see a pattern from your partner of commitment and trust. Essentially, you need to observe your partner following through with the little things and then you can trust that they will follow through on the big things.

This is, by no means, a requirement of a healthy relationship (seeing follow-through of little commitments)--in theory you could have a successful, happy marriage in which you have never made little commitments or never observed your partner fulfilling those commitments, but most people require some concrete evidence before they trust another person with their life. 

Courting is also the time to make plans--to set goals together and to make decisions about how you are going to handle potential future conflict areas. Watching your partner follow the plan, or your partner watching you follow through with the plan builds trust and helps you bond.

• You have a lot more control in building the perfect marriage than you might think!

If you understand the four steps that lead to marriage, you can focus on what's important during each step. Whenever you're mingling your objective should be to meet as many people as possible--not necessarily to get to know them, just to get to know them enough to make a decision about what type of relationship you want to progress with them.
In the dating phase you should focus on getting to know the other person better to decide what type of relationship you want to progress into with them.  I recommend mingling and dating at the same time to improve your chances.
During the courting phase you should focus on building trust and making plans together.
Finally, in marriage you should focus on sticking to the plans and making adjustments as a unit when necessary.
By understanding the steps and focusing on the right things you'll see a lot more success than haphazardly bumbling along and focusing on the wrong things. You control your progression by actively engaging rather than being passive, so if you get stuck in one of the phases, try taking matters into your own hands. This means asking (and planning) dates rather than waiting to be asked, or try having a "relationship talk" if you're stuck with simple dating and not making commitments with someone.