Every relationship is different, but romantic relationships tend to progress along the same process: 1) Mingling 2) Dating 3) Courting 4) Marriage. If you dream of one day getting married, you can increase your chances of reaching that goal by encouraging the maturation of this process. This process has happened throughout history and has shaped western culture's mating process.
I have compiled a list of useful information in regards to each of these steps that can help you understand the process and move through it more effectively:
Step 1: Mingling
Definition: Mingling is the introduction phase and can be defined by the word "attendance." You go to parties, attend events, go to gatherings of people with similar interests as you--and you meet people. You put yourself out in the real world so that people can see and interact with you on a basic level and see that you are available. Mingling is the equivalent of wearing a sign that says: I am open for relationships (romantic or otherwise).
Historical References:
Remember that anciently there was less interaction between people because occupations of the time required more time alone, such as farming. There was very little office romance and so society developed methods (and locations) to bring people together to mingle, such as holiday celebrations at town center for town members, religious celebrations at church for people with similar beliefs and values, and pubs for people who traveled or wanted to meet travelers.
What you have control over:
If you want to make it beyond this step you have to attend these meetings and go to their associated locations. By avoiding social gatherings you are sending a message to the community that you are unavailable. Sitting at home will not help you meet people. You need to be in attendance and interact with other people.
There is a chance that if all you do is attend events, others will come to you to interact, however, you have more control over this step if you make an attempt to interact with those people who you are interested in advancing with.
Things to consider:
Some events have an agenda and not all events allow for mingling. For example, many religious activities allow for mingling before or after but not during religious services, and Superbowl parties generally have a before or after party where you can mingle as well, but generally people don't interact or introduce themselves to those they don't know while the game is happening.
Also, if mingling is like wearing a sign, you have a better chance at making it to the next step if you have a "catchy sign." Physical appearance is very important to this step because people use your appearance to determine a lot about you in a little amount of time. People who look their best tend to advance through this step quicker than those who do not.
Step 2: Dating
Definition:
Dating is coming together with other individuals with the objective of
getting to know them better. Going on a "date" does not mean that you are a couple, it just means that you want to know more about the other person.
Historical References:
Traditionally, men have been responsible for inviting women on dates. This was because men had the money and means to do so whereas women didn't earn their own money and weren't allowed to venture out into the world unaccompanied. We don't live in that time period anymore, in fact if you want to get married these days you will have to have a job (men & women).
What you have control over:
You may not have much control over whether other people ask you out on a date, but during the mingling stage you can drop subtle hints in casual conversation that you might be interested in spending some alone time with them.
If you don't like sitting around wasting away or you think you might miss a good opportunity, you do, in fact, have control over asking them out. We live in the 20-teens, gender equality is already here or fast approaching, it would be perfectly normal for a woman who has some steady income to invite a man on a date.
Things to consider:
The objective of dating is to get to know the other person. This doesn't mean that you instantly like the person or that you want to marry them or are considering it, it means that you want to get to know them. You can go on dates and make great long-term friends out of people, in fact, it might be a good strategy to approach this step with the attitude that you want to go on dates with people who you want to be good friends with.
After you go on a few dates with the same person, then you can decide where you want to take your relationship. After a couple of dates, not all relationships need to turn into long-term romantic relationships however at some point early on it is generally considered polite and respectful to indicate to the other person
what your intentions are going into the future with them.
While you are still in the dating phase, it is okay to go on dates with many different people. At this step you shouldn't be making any commitments to anyone, just focus on having fun and getting to know the other person.
Step 3: Courting
Definition:
Most people get confused by terminology at this point; "courting" is what most people call "dating"--it's dating exclusively. The objective of courting is to prepare for eventual marriage and to practice making commitments to each other. You should only begin courting (or dating exclusively) if you intend to get married to that person. If you aren't sure whether you would be comfortable marrying them, or if your relationship has a known ending condition, then you should not exclusively date him or her. Spend some more time getting to know him or her by going back to dating. Courting is reserved to preparing for marriage--and trust me, there is a lot to prepare for, even if you aren't engaged!
Historical References:
Historically, this has been called courting but young people a couple generations ago started calling it "dating" for whatever reason ("they're dating," "he has been
dating her for three months"). Don't get confused by the terminology because by twisting the terminology it also confuses the differences between going on a date, exclusively dating someone, and preparing for marriage.
Modern trends tend to include other steps in the process before making it to the courting phase, probably partly influenced by the terminology shift. Some people consider "being engaged" as the "courting" phase and some people call "living together" the courting phase. The terminology doesn't matter, just that there is a distinct phase where the objectives are to take more risks, practice making commitments, and prepare for marriage.
What you have control over:
You don't have to go directly into courting; as I mentioned above, some people add extra steps that are mixtures between step two and step three. Relationships are very fluid and malleable and can change based on needs. Courting is a necessary step, but you have control over when and how you do it and what rules there are behind it. You can define "exclusivity" in whatever way you want, and your preparations for marriage can take months or years. Gear your courtship towards your own needs and the needs of your partner.
Things to consider:
Mutual consent is the most important aspect of this step. Some people call it "communication," but what they mean is that you both know and understand where your relationship is headed
because you have talked about it. You have to refer back to the original plan periodically, either to keep you committed to the original plan or to adjust your plans to compensate for changes and new discoveries.
Step 4: Marriage
Definition:
This is going to sound jaunted at first when you read it, but Modern Marriage is an agreement between two people to strictly follow a set of terms. For most people the terms are: stay together until death or forever, to put their spouse above everything else, care for them, divide your wealth equally, and commit not to have sex with anyone else. Not everyone marries for those reasons though and not everyone has a formal ceremony to signify that they are married, the formal acceptance of terms is what is important.
Historical References:
Society has governed the purpose, and limits, of marriage for centuries. Traditionally, marriage has been sanctioned by the state when instigated between one man and one woman. It has generally been influenced and governed by religion. The last 100 years of human history have seen changes to the institution of marriage and it is safe to assume that changes will continue to be made. The common characteristic of marriage, that has been preserved through these changes, is the mutual consent to follow a set of rules.
What you have control over:
These days, you can set whatever terms you want--provided that you both agree to those terms. Tradition makes suggestions of how your marriage should be and what kind of agreements you should make. Your religion, your family, your friends, your community, they all have an opinion of how your marriage relationship should work; however, you and your potential spouse have complete control over the specifics. You don't have to rely on everyone else's opinions, in fact, if you want your marriage to be spectacular you will have to gear it towards yourself rather than other people because when all is said and done the commitment that you make to the other person is something
you have to live with not these other people.
Things to Consider:
In order to make a good decision with marriage you will have to have a high level of confidence in your decision. You will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life (even if you divorce, the repercussions are life-long, even if you planned for and agreed upon divorce at some point and even if you never separate--it will forever change you). The marriage agreement will have a greater impact on your life than any other decision, so make sure you understand the terms you are agreeing to and you understand and trust the person you are making those agreements with, that they understand and agree to the terms as well.
With my
life-coaching services, I like to take this into an official discussion where I sit down with my client couple and we discuss 11 key areas that every couple should have a set of terms/rules about for their marriage and then we work on finding a collaborative solution (rather than compromise or avoidance tactic) to each of the key areas. It is a good bonding process and helps both of you come to understand one another better and builds more trust into your relationship. I could guide you through this process in one or two, 1-hour sessions for ($20 each). If you don't sign up for services I would recommend that you at least sit down with your partner and talk about important conflict areas, such as household roles, children, money, and sex.
