Cycle 2: Walking Away

Cycle 1: Blaming Others
Cycle 2: Walking away (or The Fear of Commitment)

Here's the player:
Just over 18 min (Hey, I'm slowly shortening them!)

Here's the Download: download

I prefer to call this cycle the cycle of walking away, but most people refer to it as the fear of commitment. Basically, if you find you have had a lot of short relationships; or if you are the one who always ends relationships, then you may very likely be stuck in this cylce.

The pattern is as follows:
1. (normal)Things are going along fine
2. (something happens) Something changes for you or the other person, or the realization that something has changed finally sets in.
3. (you react) You reflect on your goals, dreams, life, etc and put everything into perspective and how some of those things are now harder would be different if you continued on the current path.
4. (resolve) You react by turning inward, planning an exit strategy, looking for a reason to leave, check out mentally, or just plain disappear.

Blaming others is often an internal struggle to cope with your own emotions whereas this cycle of walking away is more of a struggle with dealing with change and risk.

Society likes to fill people's heads with garbage about "one true love" or differentiate between people who are "Right for you" and people who just aren't. There is a common misconception out there that you will "find" the ideal relationship--you'll meet someone who everything just clicks and live happily ever after. There is no such thing. Relationships require work, they require you to take risks and manage changes. You have to build your best relationships, they don't just happen.

Quotes:
Relationships are Risks
The only person holding you back from your goals or dreams is you.
Any two people can be right for one another if they are committed to making it work
If you're really committed to the relationship the way you should be, then you will learn the skills needed to have a good relationship with that person.
You need to commit today to stick with your next (or current) relationship no matter what.
Relationships don't hold you back, they help you.

Additional Topcis in this podcast:
Synergy - The principle that two people together produce more than two people individually.

Change is Inevitable - Everyone changes. The person you are today is not the person you will be tomorrow. Something will happen between now and when you go to bed that makes you just a little bit different tomorrow than you are right now. Being in a relationship with someone means you are agreeing to adapt to the changes that affect both of you.

Risk - Risk is defined as any unforeseen event or activity that can impact your life, the other person's life or the relationship. Risks require you to put in an effort or investment that you may not get back in the way that you want or may be worth substantially more.

Follow the links to the right to continue to the next podcast, or go directly there by clicking here.

Cycle 1: Blaming others

I will be podcasting about 3 common relationship cycles.

The first is as follows:

1. Things are fine
2. Someone says or does something to trigger an emotion in you
3. You react by: A) retaliating, or B) blowing up at them
4. You do whatever you can to get back to normal.

Remember, cycles are patterns. These are things you do over and over with or without realizing it. If you do this pattern, you need to correct it before you're going to progress from okay relationships (or no relationships) to having good or Great Relationships. Meaningful ones that you want to keep.



Here's the player:

Here's the Download: download



3 Steps to resolve this cycle:

1. Address the emotion and name it
2. Think about what you were going to do or what would you do normally (or what DID you do?)
3. Think about what can you do differently to resolve this and come out ahead in the future? (Think: How can I approach this and get closer to the other person rather than further apart?)

A few other things I talk about in this podcast:
The Ad Hominem Fallacy - Where you infer or apply additional beliefs or aspects about the other person based on one instance of them saying or doing something in the present. Ad Hominem translates to: "to the person" and is referring to a persons character or your perception of their character. Resorting to Ad Hominem assumptions about a person can slow (or stop!) the progression of a good relationship.

Walking on Eggshells - When you set your relationship up so that whenever someone triggers an emotion in you, you attribute that emotion to the other person as if it is their fault. (Think: "You made me angry because you side with someone I disagree with" or "You made me sad that you don't care enough about me to call or text me")

Black and White Relationships - When your relationship becomes so extreme that it becomes a list of rules and if the other person breaks one of the rules they're out or they are at fault and you are in the right. This is bad because people will inevitably make mistakes and then you'll find yourself punishing them more often then enjoying them.

One Liners:
Your emotions are your responsibility.




This one is just over 27 min... I'm still working on the podcast medium and hopefully I'll be able to shorten these in the future (ideally to about 10 min)


Follow the links to the right to continue to the next podcast, or go directly there by clicking here.

Introduction to Relationship Cycles

Certain cycles in your life are holding you back, and it's time for you to take control and change them. This is part 1 of an in-depth series on relationship cycles. Step one is to recognize that relationship cycles exist, whether you want them to or not.

Instead of writing a full article, I decided to make my very first podcast. --I realize that it's not very emotional and I drift into a type of monotone that might sooth you to sleep, but the information is there so I hope you make it to the end!--In my next podcast I'll have to put a little more emotion into it. I was alone in a room this time so maybe next time I'll have a live audience for it?




[if this player doesn't work, try downloading the mp3 file: download]

Relationship Cycles are simple: 1- You go along like normal. 2 - Something happens that affects you 3- You react to it and then 4- there is some sort of resolution phase were you do something--anything--to get back to your normal state. Then you carry on like normal until something similar happens and you react the same way and resolve it the same way and return to normal again. You do not have control over what happens to you; and although you can train your subconscious out of the triggers, and the reactions you have to those triggers, it is very difficult to control that area of your life.
 What you do have a lot of control over is how you resolve these cycles. If you are aware of the relationship cycle, and you understand the triggers and how you normally resolve these cycles, then you gain control over the cycle itself and you can make a conscious decision about how you're going to let it affect you. If you control the cycle, you can improve your relationships and ultimately make them more fulfilling for you.
Cycles are an excellent way to keep you in the same spot in life, but most of us are not interested in staying in the same spot, most of us have goals and dreams that we want to achieve and so getting beyond the cycles is going to help you reach your relationship goals and dreams, including: growing closer to people rather than further away, really resolving conflicts so that they don't keep popping up, and getting more out of the relationships you presently have. Improving this area of your life will make a huge difference in EVERY area of your life because relationships are connected to every aspect of your life.


P.S. Sorry about the volume--I'll fix that later today. (be prepared to turn down your speakers)


Follow the links to the right to continue, or view the next podcast here.