Dreams and Visions,Part 2- A Near Perfect Relationship is NOT a Perfect Relationship

I asked in the first part of this article, "what is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams, and fulfilling your visions?" I think everyone's answer to this question falls into one of two categories: First, you don't believe in it enough, and because you don't believe in it enough you fear the possibility that you might actually get it.--I explored that aspect of this question in Part 1 if you missed it--Second, you might not be reaching your dreams and fulfilling your visions because you believe in them too much.

I don't mean that you really believe in your dream too much, what I mean--what language has a hard time explaining on its own--is that you believe so much in your dream and want it so bad that you start seeing it everywhere that it isn't.

Where the first part of this answer breaks down to Fear, this part of the answer breaks down to Laziness.

You most likely aren't lazy, you just don't realize that you're taking the lazy way out. When we set out to fulfill our goals, generally one of two things happens to us along the way: 1) it gets hard, and 2) we tell ourselves we have it when we're really only halfway there. In other words, when it gets tough--as it always does--we either acknowledge that it is tough and we feel like giving up because we think it is too hard, or we lie to ourselves and say that we already did all of the hard parts and now we're reaping the rewards or that somehow we are satisfied with less than what we originally wanted.

In answer to the question, "What is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams and fulfilling your visions?" your honest answer might be: 1) I don't want to do the work, or 2) I don't want to face reality.

Success is never easy. Having the relationship of your dreams would be a major success in life and I'm here to tell you it is never easy. It is a grueling, rough, exhausting experience that you largely have to go through on your own. It starts by putting in the energy to find someone, anyone, who is capable of loving you and not abusing you. Then it requires taking all kinds of risks in order to be with that person and to include them in your life. Next you have to do the hard work of confronting your conflicts with each other, resolving them and spending countless hours thinking up a solution so those conflicts don't keep happening. Sometimes the hard parts aren't even that--they're putting up boundaries that protect you but still allow you to maintain a healthy relationship with that individual.

No one wants to face reality. Facing reality means we have to change. Facing reality is hard work because it requires us to rethink everything we previously thought about life. Sometimes we know that things aren't great for us, but we don't want to change because change is scary (Fear) and it is a lot of work (Laziness). Sometimes, the hard part of reaching your dream relationship isn't having a relationship at all, it's knowing when to let go of someone who can't be that dream relationship for you. Lastly, sometimes--even though it is depressing to think about--the real reason why you aren't already in that outstanding relationship, right now, is because you don't want it bad enough.

Let me repeat what I said in part 1 of this article; the second hardest part about dreaming is wanting it. A lot of people say that they want to have that perfect relationship. They want someone who is there for them when they are struggling, they want someone who is willing to admit they are wrong and apologize. They want someone who can give them hope for the future, listen to them, talk to them, and give them attention when they need it most. They want someone who will devote to them and commit to them, possibly start a family with them and most importantly love them and communicate that love.
But a lot of people only "kinda" want it.--anyone would want those things...at least, they think if they were presented those things for free that they wouldn't turn them down, but that isn't necessarily the truth. Naturally, we all want things the easy way, but when we get them the easy way we don't appreciate them and sometimes don't even acknowledge them. To be truthful, sometimes we don't want these great things as much as we want the conflict. Without the fights, without having to work for it, it isn't as appealing and we beat ourselves up for not going after those "easy" things. We want the drama and we want to work and sometimes we're willing (thrilled even) to beat ourselves up over being so dramatic. We say that we want those wonderful things in our relationships, but sometimes we want the bad parts more--and don't even realize it.

Our biggest fear isn't the work, it isn't that we might have to change or make hard decisions. Our biggest fear isn't that we are inadequate or that we might face pain or failure. Our biggest fear is really that we might actually get what we want, and then once we have what we want the whole world will be open to us. We fear that we will be so confident and comfortable with our lives and our relationships that we get lazy about getting there. We fear fulfilling our dreams so much that we are willing to settle for things that aren't as good and say that we have had enough of our dreams to satisfy us, but remember: a near perfect relationship is not a perfect relationship. Keep striving for your dreams until you have them, don't give up, don't quit, not until you really have it.

Dreams and Visions, Part 1: Don't let Fear Hold you Back

[People usually think that dreams are elusive and unattainable, or that what is perfect or ideal is impossible or improbable, that is fear speaking]

I wanted to write a motivating article on obtaining success, but as I wrote this I realized there are two topics I need to address and it started to get messy trying to cover both at the same time. So, lucky you, I broke it up into two articles;

Using words to describe this topic is difficult and constrained because our language doesn't have the perfect terms that are universally understood, so when I say "dreams" or "success" or "vision"s, the following articles are how I believe you should understand them. Since this blog is about relationships, you can think of this as your ideal relationship, the perfect scenario where you have an amazing relationship with another person.



The hardest part of getting exactly what you want out of life is coming up with the dream or vision for it. Most people are under the opinion that it is more difficult to achieve your goals, but I'm going to explain to you why the actual process of reaching your dreams is easy--deciding what you want to reach is the difficult part because it requires you to tap into the creative energy deep inside of you, or a better way of thinking about this is that to have visions, you have to make something out of nothing. Once you have a vision of where you want to go, it is much easier to gather the resources, do what needs to be done, and then one day arrive.
To have visions and to dream is nothing that I can help you with. Sorry, but nothing I tell you, or anyone can tell you, will make you dream better or define success. It is an individual journey that you must take on your own. You can't ask other people to help you come up with dreams for yourself, it just doesn't work that way, as I hope you will figure out the more you read.
If you can dream it, you can make it happen. The act of having visions of the future requires your mind to constrain itself to some degree of reality. If you are dreaming the right way--and of course you are--then for your dream to be desirable, there must be elements of the truth attached to it. Your mind turns the near reality into fantasy by devising some plausible--if unlikely--scenario that could unfold to make this ideal, visionary scenario happen. In other words, if you dream it up, then there has to be one or more ways that it can become real--and your subconscious knows, even if you don't.
That leads to the second hardest part about dreaming; wanting it. If you don't want the dream, desire the dream, and believe in the dream, then there is no way you'll obtain it. To have a real vision, to discover your passion, or to truly dream, you have to start by wanting something, and to keep thinking about and wanting for that thing to happen until you have a pretty general idea of how it will happen.

Alright, so you're starting to get that, but what is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams, or fulfilling your visions? I see the answer to this question coming down to two categories. First, you don't believe in it enough; or second, you believe in it too much.

Part 1 - Not believing in it enough

Not believing in your dreams enough comes in a couple of different forms. We do this when we think our dreams are unattainable, when we think they aren't meant to be, or when we tell ourselves that they are just fantasies. With our relationships, we might think that we aren't good enough to be with a certain person or that that special, superb relationship will never happen for us because we're not worthy. Sometimes we aren't believing enough in our dream when we say that we don't know how to make it happen.

To clarify, people who don't think they are worthy of their dreams might say things like, "it's not in me to reach this," or, "I don't think I have earned it," or "I'm not ready, I need to work on myself more," or they might flat-out blame themselves and say, "it's my own fault."--Sadly, these statements are all true...but, if you are saying them, that means you have acknowledged them and by that point they are completely false.
--This is where language tends to constrain this concept. As I mentioned earlier, there is no functional way for me to explain this. If you don't believe in your dreams, then you are making that lack of belief come true; but when you believe firmly in your dreams, that is when you start to make them come true.

Those who think the reason they aren't achieving their dreams is because they don't know how to do it might say things like, "I don't have the skill." Or, they might say, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong," or, "I don't know if I'm doing anything right." They might even say something as silly as, "No one will teach me how," or, "I haven't learned how." --All of this is preposterous! If you say these things, then yes, you are correct (again.) You don't know how, no one has taught you, and no one will tell you what to do because they don't know. No one has written the textbook on how to do whatever it is you want to achieve because no one is an expert yet. You must be that expert. This is your opening in life to greatness--no one has been there before, no one has trod that journey. It is up to you to fill in that void in the world that only you were able to see because you took the time to dream it up and have visions of it.
There comes a time in every greatness story where the guru is surpassed by the student. This is because the student took everything that the guru could possibly teach him or her and then realized that their guru was never able to get any better because they lacked a clear vision of what it takes to be the best, and when the student is able to see that vision, it is not difficult to get from being this inferior pipsqueek that isn't capable of doing things on their own and morphing into this confident, competent and completely capable individual who ranks among the best. --is that not what we all desire when we have a vision of something?

Both the lack of know-how and the belief that we are unworthy come down to one thing and one thing only: Fear.
--Again, language breaks down at this point, but the correct term is "Fear." If you argue out both of these things in your mind they inevitably come down to being afraid. Either because you don't know and fear what is going to happen when you venture into the unknown, or because you think something bad will happen to you because of your inadequacy.
Imagine a scenario in which you must take a leap over a giant, deadly hole. If you are inadequate--that is to say, that you don't have sufficient skill to clear the gap, then you will fall and die. On the other hand, if you don't take a leap, then what does it matter if you are inadequate?--why do you worry so much over something that you aren't going to do? Why worry about taking the leap that may possibly reach your goals, if you never intended to take that leap? --Yes, it is scary, and that is pure fear. Fear is what is holding you back from taking the leap--it isn't your inadequacy and it isn't that something bad is going to happen to you, because until you try for the thing you never really know that you are inadequate, and if you take the leap and fail, but are still able to take that leap over and over and over, then the real battle isn't over your inadequacy--you have proven you are adequate enough to take the chance again--it is a battle against the fear that maybe this next time you will actually clear the gap. You fear succeeding more than you fear failure.

Fear is the real enemy that is keeping you from having the most amazing relationships of your life. Fear is the only thing that opposes you, everything else stems from fear. All of your inadequacies stem from the fear that you aren't good enough, and all of the worry you have about being a failure--that worry is actually fear. So label it correctly.

If you can conquer fear, then nothing will stop you from achieving your dreams.

As I said in the beginning, achieving your goals isn't hard. That is the easy part because all you must do is conquer whatever fear hides behind that goal and then you'll reach that goal. The hard part is really dreaming--finding the things that you really believe in and want passionately. If you dream of having an outstanding, spectacular relationship with the person of your dreams. Then you should make a point to challenge fear at every opportunity. Anything that scares you, do it, don't think about it. If that means approaching someone to introduce yourself, do it. If that means admitting to yourself, and possibly to the other person that you are attracted to them or completely in love with them, don't hesitate, just do it. Or, if that means you need to confront a conflict you are having with another person, don't avoid the situation, confront it head on, because your dream of having that amazing relationship is worth it. You're worth it, and all it will take for you to realize that is to face your fear.



Part 2 coming soon!

We Hurt Others After We Have Been Hurt

(Hurt People, Hurt People)

We hurt others after we have been hurt. This is another type of cycle; when we get hurt it is natural for us to want to retaliate or take it out on other people.

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People are initially fragile with their emotions until they are trained otherwise. We approach new experiences the same way a baby does and we default to certain feelings until we train ourselves to act differently.

It is common for people to default to: anger, sadness, fear or anxiety; which might lead us to a fight or flight response, or blaming ourselves or others when we ought not to.

A few things to take from this:

1. You can usually tell when someone has been hurt a lot in their past because they don't know how to appropriately cope with the hurt and tend to be more confrontational or blame others for their hurt.
2. When you are completely comfortable with yourself, you are more apt to recognizing your flaws, owning them, correcting them, and not letting others hurt you. You remain in control of yourself.
3.  If you have hurts that you haven't resolved, you need to fix them before you will progress in your relationships with others. You can "fix" your hurt places by acknowledging them, accepting them, relieving them, working on getting over them and finding a resolution to them. 
4. Most people carry around some hurt. You need to respect that other people have been hurt and may be hurt by things you say or do to them--intentional or not! And when someone else is suffering from some kind of hurt, don't let their reaction to the hurt affect you--recognize that their pain may be causing them to lash out at you. A little bit of empathy (read: understanding) will go a long way in allowing you to forgive them and not be affected by them. 

Cycle 2: Walking Away

Cycle 1: Blaming Others
Cycle 2: Walking away (or The Fear of Commitment)

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Just over 18 min (Hey, I'm slowly shortening them!)

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I prefer to call this cycle the cycle of walking away, but most people refer to it as the fear of commitment. Basically, if you find you have had a lot of short relationships; or if you are the one who always ends relationships, then you may very likely be stuck in this cylce.

The pattern is as follows:
1. (normal)Things are going along fine
2. (something happens) Something changes for you or the other person, or the realization that something has changed finally sets in.
3. (you react) You reflect on your goals, dreams, life, etc and put everything into perspective and how some of those things are now harder would be different if you continued on the current path.
4. (resolve) You react by turning inward, planning an exit strategy, looking for a reason to leave, check out mentally, or just plain disappear.

Blaming others is often an internal struggle to cope with your own emotions whereas this cycle of walking away is more of a struggle with dealing with change and risk.

Society likes to fill people's heads with garbage about "one true love" or differentiate between people who are "Right for you" and people who just aren't. There is a common misconception out there that you will "find" the ideal relationship--you'll meet someone who everything just clicks and live happily ever after. There is no such thing. Relationships require work, they require you to take risks and manage changes. You have to build your best relationships, they don't just happen.

Quotes:
Relationships are Risks
The only person holding you back from your goals or dreams is you.
Any two people can be right for one another if they are committed to making it work
If you're really committed to the relationship the way you should be, then you will learn the skills needed to have a good relationship with that person.
You need to commit today to stick with your next (or current) relationship no matter what.
Relationships don't hold you back, they help you.

Additional Topcis in this podcast:
Synergy - The principle that two people together produce more than two people individually.

Change is Inevitable - Everyone changes. The person you are today is not the person you will be tomorrow. Something will happen between now and when you go to bed that makes you just a little bit different tomorrow than you are right now. Being in a relationship with someone means you are agreeing to adapt to the changes that affect both of you.

Risk - Risk is defined as any unforeseen event or activity that can impact your life, the other person's life or the relationship. Risks require you to put in an effort or investment that you may not get back in the way that you want or may be worth substantially more.

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