What are Alphas in the Real World? (You might be surprised)

A lot of chatter has been devoted to the modern social phenomena of an "alpha" so I think I should touch on the topic and fill you, my reader, in on what REALLY matters about the subject.

First and foremost, everything you think you know about Alphas is wrong.--The originators of this concept were basing their research off of hearsay about wolves. As zoologists studied wolves in their natural habitat, they learned things that changed the whole concept of an Alpha (in the wolf world), but by and large the human concept of an Alpha never caught up in light of the new research.

Let me retell the story of wolves:

In the wild, wolves live in a pack. The pack consists of primarily family members, but also the occasional straggler from another pack. These stragglers come from packs that have not survived (due to hunters and farmers killing off the rest of their pack, or the inability to find food), or for whatever reason, the straggler could be a banished member of another pack who was shunned and kicked out for disobedience. --Typically, packs don't want stragglers, because they are the weak link of another pack and are merely another mouth to feed in a world of limited resources, yet somehow these stragglers find an edge into the pack.
That "edge" into the pack could be as simple as that they follow the pack around and refuse to leave, sleep away from the pack but make no indication that they are there to threaten the pack, and benefit when the pack benefits by eating leftovers and scraps. They may also fight their way into pecking order above another member of the pack and therefore gain acceptance. Or, they could simple follow the social cues of the other pack members, start at the very bottom and as the pack dynamic changes they could possibly rise in rank--provided they pull their weight with the rest of the pack.

--I thought I would focus on this member of the pack before diving into the Alpha because it will shed some more light on what an Alpha is.

In a wolf pack, or a dog pack, or any kind of herd really, the Alpha is the decision maker. He or SHE is responsible for ensuring stability, taking the pack to the best hunting or grazing ground, and relieving the pack member's anxiety. --That's right, HE or SHE. It can be male, it can be female, and it can be BOTH. As I said earlier, a pack is primarily a family, so the male and female that bore all of the children tend to be the pack leaders. They actually work together to ensure the pack members feel accepted, don't fight with one another, that those who are too young to fend for themselves are taken care of, and that they travel together and work together to hunt or defend each other.
--when people think about Alphas, they focus on the benefits of being an alpha--that they get prime mating selection, that the pack members seem to look after them the most, etc etc. But this is not true. The Alpha, by nature of their position, is required to be responsible. They are required to take care of the pack members, look out for the weaker members (which is likely all of them), and they have to carry the burden of making all of the decisions.

There are two reasons why they have the prime pick of a mate: 1) because they make decisions for the pack, others don't dare defy their orders because it is ingrained in them to follow the leaders decisions because it is for the good of the pack. 2) They are the most responsible, have to be the most intelligent so they can lead the pack to the best opportunities for survival, have to be the strongest in order to maintain order and at times force their will, they also have to be the best communicator in order to resolve conflicts and maintain order. Because they possess all the best traits, the other pack members, by instinct, are attracted to them.


Now let's relate that to humans.

If you are physically good looking, highly intelligent, emotionally stable, your communication skills are supreme, and possibly wealthy and therefore can provide a stable life, good looking kids, plenty of social opportunities, and can resolve relationship conflicts, then people will naturally be attracted to you.--we call these people "the complete package" and "the perfect 10." Yet, really they fall into the category of a Human Alpha, just like wolves, cows, elephants, and chickens have alphas.

Also, if you are in a position of power, such as a company leader, politician, teacher, provider, or personal trainer, then by instinct it is ingrained in us to go along with what you say in the belief that you are looking out for our best interests. In other words, being in a position of power, makes it easier to obtain mating opportunities.
--But we don't need to study wolves and animals to realize that these people are Alphas...


Acting like a Rooster does not make you an Alpha, it just makes you come across as arrogant and might not help you attract the opposite sex. Being bossy, also, may not help you attract the opposite sex. However, now I need to explain another phenomena:
There is a way to fake being in a position of power or fake being capable of providing for others. Faking this, therefore, may attract the opposite sex, but will not work for the long term. If all you want to do with your life is get laid and take advantage of other people, then faking power, faking your intelligence, faking your social status, wealth, emotional stability, and physical appearance is an option, however nothing on this blog promotes that kind of behavior and so I will not be going into the details of how to do that.

On the flip side, if you want to gain real power, want to gain real wealth, real social status, emotional stability, and permanently change your physical appearance to possess some real level of physical attractiveness, then please reach out to me as a life coach and I can help you set up a plan and get you on the right track.

One final note: Being an Alpha is work. When you really are the Alpha of a pack, you are responsible. You are in that position because you possess leadership traits--or traits that people are attracted to because you are capable of helping them have a better life.--This does not mean that you DO help them have a better life, but bear in mind that people are attracted to you, follow you, and form relationships with you--as an Alpha--because they want you to, and even expect you to, help them. You SHOULD help these people, and that is ultimately what it means to be an Alpha.
People inherently desire stability, they desire peace and happiness, and so they are attracted to those who can bring them more stability, whether that is emotional stability, physical/financial stability, or intellectual stability. This is why stragglers will seek out alphas to submit to rather than living the life of a lone wolf. This is why our instincts lead us to follow some form of "Alpha," and is the whole reason why we are attracted to people who appear to be Alphas, because those people can provide us and our present/future posterity with better opportunities and grant us emotional and mental stability in the present.

Dreams and Visions,Part 2- A Near Perfect Relationship is NOT a Perfect Relationship

I asked in the first part of this article, "what is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams, and fulfilling your visions?" I think everyone's answer to this question falls into one of two categories: First, you don't believe in it enough, and because you don't believe in it enough you fear the possibility that you might actually get it.--I explored that aspect of this question in Part 1 if you missed it--Second, you might not be reaching your dreams and fulfilling your visions because you believe in them too much.

I don't mean that you really believe in your dream too much, what I mean--what language has a hard time explaining on its own--is that you believe so much in your dream and want it so bad that you start seeing it everywhere that it isn't.

Where the first part of this answer breaks down to Fear, this part of the answer breaks down to Laziness.

You most likely aren't lazy, you just don't realize that you're taking the lazy way out. When we set out to fulfill our goals, generally one of two things happens to us along the way: 1) it gets hard, and 2) we tell ourselves we have it when we're really only halfway there. In other words, when it gets tough--as it always does--we either acknowledge that it is tough and we feel like giving up because we think it is too hard, or we lie to ourselves and say that we already did all of the hard parts and now we're reaping the rewards or that somehow we are satisfied with less than what we originally wanted.

In answer to the question, "What is holding you back from achieving success, reaching your dreams and fulfilling your visions?" your honest answer might be: 1) I don't want to do the work, or 2) I don't want to face reality.

Success is never easy. Having the relationship of your dreams would be a major success in life and I'm here to tell you it is never easy. It is a grueling, rough, exhausting experience that you largely have to go through on your own. It starts by putting in the energy to find someone, anyone, who is capable of loving you and not abusing you. Then it requires taking all kinds of risks in order to be with that person and to include them in your life. Next you have to do the hard work of confronting your conflicts with each other, resolving them and spending countless hours thinking up a solution so those conflicts don't keep happening. Sometimes the hard parts aren't even that--they're putting up boundaries that protect you but still allow you to maintain a healthy relationship with that individual.

No one wants to face reality. Facing reality means we have to change. Facing reality is hard work because it requires us to rethink everything we previously thought about life. Sometimes we know that things aren't great for us, but we don't want to change because change is scary (Fear) and it is a lot of work (Laziness). Sometimes, the hard part of reaching your dream relationship isn't having a relationship at all, it's knowing when to let go of someone who can't be that dream relationship for you. Lastly, sometimes--even though it is depressing to think about--the real reason why you aren't already in that outstanding relationship, right now, is because you don't want it bad enough.

Let me repeat what I said in part 1 of this article; the second hardest part about dreaming is wanting it. A lot of people say that they want to have that perfect relationship. They want someone who is there for them when they are struggling, they want someone who is willing to admit they are wrong and apologize. They want someone who can give them hope for the future, listen to them, talk to them, and give them attention when they need it most. They want someone who will devote to them and commit to them, possibly start a family with them and most importantly love them and communicate that love.
But a lot of people only "kinda" want it.--anyone would want those things...at least, they think if they were presented those things for free that they wouldn't turn them down, but that isn't necessarily the truth. Naturally, we all want things the easy way, but when we get them the easy way we don't appreciate them and sometimes don't even acknowledge them. To be truthful, sometimes we don't want these great things as much as we want the conflict. Without the fights, without having to work for it, it isn't as appealing and we beat ourselves up for not going after those "easy" things. We want the drama and we want to work and sometimes we're willing (thrilled even) to beat ourselves up over being so dramatic. We say that we want those wonderful things in our relationships, but sometimes we want the bad parts more--and don't even realize it.

Our biggest fear isn't the work, it isn't that we might have to change or make hard decisions. Our biggest fear isn't that we are inadequate or that we might face pain or failure. Our biggest fear is really that we might actually get what we want, and then once we have what we want the whole world will be open to us. We fear that we will be so confident and comfortable with our lives and our relationships that we get lazy about getting there. We fear fulfilling our dreams so much that we are willing to settle for things that aren't as good and say that we have had enough of our dreams to satisfy us, but remember: a near perfect relationship is not a perfect relationship. Keep striving for your dreams until you have them, don't give up, don't quit, not until you really have it.

How to Not Get Involved with Playing Games

I know, I know, you were expecting a podcast, but this time I thought I'd make an article instead. 

Let me start out by saying that playing games is what children do. Adults may, on occasion, have a little fun, but games serve no practical purpose in a relationship.

Let's start by defining what a game is:
In relationships, a "Game" is anything that creates a suspenseful, win-lose environment by defining a set of rules. To illustrate this, let me give you a few examples that fit this definition:

1. Purposely not calling for 2-3 days after a date. -- To call any sooner would suggest "interest" and the rule is that the person who is most interested is the loser. The winner is, of course, in a power position and has some level of control over the loser. By not calling, they leave you in suspense, waiting for their call eagerly, wondering whether you are crazy for being so interested or whether the other person shares the same level of interest. When they do call, if you are interested in them, it doesn't matter as much what they say to you because they built up a demand for themselves, and if you hold off on talking to and responding to them, then you may potentially build up that demand for yourself and be the "winner," and take a turn at controlling them for once. 
2. Flirting with words, eyes, and body language, but never making the first move. --Just like the first example, to make the first move would also suggest "interest" and therefore put you in the loser position. The winner gets to make the decisions in regards to the relationship; they choose whether to accept your advances or not accept them. That is the prize of winning, and is the incentive for playing the game.
3. Accusing them of purposely trying to make you jealous. --If you are the first to call your significant other (or friend) out, then you are defining a rule: "This kind of behavior is unacceptable because it makes me feel X." This is the equivalent of telling them that they are "cheating"--breaking the rules and, suggestively, that they are cheating on you. If they have done a good enough job at establishing relationship rules, they can control who you spend your time with and what you do with other people, just by asserting that you are somehow responsible for how they feel. 
4. Flirting with OTHER people in front of you in order to make you jealous.--If they can make you jealous, the idea is that you will be more willing to invest in the relationship with them. The situation becomes win-lose in that they win and you lose by making you jealous and giving in to them. Alternatively, you win and they lose if you walk away from the relationship with them for something better, but the game player potentially can still win by turning to the person they were flirting with originally.

In all examples of relationship game-playing, one person CREATES a conflict and uses competitive conflict-resolution skills to set themselves up as the automatic winner of a win-lose conflict. --Let me emphasize "create" one more time, because in each of these situations there really is no need for a conflict.--Nothing is at stake here! They are essentially messing with your perceptions. In order for there to be a real conflict, needs fulfillment must be threatened--if the conflict is merely over the perception of whether our wants or needs are going to continue to be met, then we are not talking about a real conflict, but a fantasy conflict. Be weary of people who do this to you on purpose. 

So what happens if you refuse to play the game? Lets say that the other person refuses to call you until at least two days have passed, because in their sick-twisted mind they think that they are creating demand for themselves and that you will like them more. If you refuse to follow the rules and refuse to let the rules affect your relationship with them, you will call them when you feel like it, and if they don't respond, then you will carry on with your life as though their lack of response is not a big deal. When they get around to calling you, you may have moved on, you may enjoy their call, or you may not answer because you are actually busy. If they still think things are a game, then they will suddenly take MORE of an interest in you, because that's the rules of their game. You on the other hand, are not affected by the rules, because you are just living life and trying to incorporate them into your life. --but this is an easy example. 

Lets try something harder: let's say they are purposely trying to make you jealous so that you will take a greater interest in them and they can do whatever it is they do--take advantage of you in some way I presume. They flirt in front of you, and you DO get jealous of them. How would you not play the game in this situation?--If you react, then they have one-up'd you and you are more likely to do what they say in order to keep them for yourself; if you do not react, then you risk losing your relationship with them. 

To answer that question, you have to stop thinking about the other person, and start thinking about the way any normal human being would respond: if you truly care for that person, tell them. Tell them that you are jealous. Do not place demands on them, because doing so would trap you in the game--remember? The winner makes the decisions and the loser has to abide by whatever the new rules are. If you demand that they stop flirting and making you jealous, then you are playing another game with them. One in which, if they want to keep you, they must abide by your rules--again, this is a competitive approach (win-lose) and you are merely substituting one game for another. 

So how do we remedy this?

There are two counters for game playing: 

1. Proving that this is all based on perception and not based on reality. 
2. Seeking a collaborative conflict-resolution approach. 

To prove that your conflict is based on fantasy and not reality, you would need to have omniscient information about what the other person is thinking. Of course, you can always make guesses and assumptions, but I don't recommend that with relationships because there are several drawbacks that I'm not going to get into right now (perhaps my next article).  

Collaboration means both parties win. Whereas Competition focuses on only one person "winning," collaboration seeks outside-the-box alternatives. This should not be confused with Compromise, which is a conflict-resolution approach where both parties lose but retain their relationship. 

Collaborating is much easier than proving that your conflict is merely based on perceptions, because a collaborative solution can include elements of fantasy. What I mean is that you can as easily perceive that you are getting your wants fulfilled as you can actually fulfill your wants. 

If you have a want or need to connect with the other person and they don't answer the phone or make an attempt to call you, you can call them, and if they respond then you are getting what you want--a conversation. During the conversation, you might make a point to ask them or figure out what their wants are (such as to not think that they are coming on too quickly, or to have time and space to think for themselves) and you can help them fulfill their wants. This is the meaning of collaboration.

All of this is well, and good, but what if they don't respond or they don't respond in the way you want or need them to to feel satisfied? --Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. If they truly are playing games and they don't want to give up those games in order to have a relationship with you, then you have to realize that they are their own person and make their own decisions in life. 

As I stated at the beginning of this article, Playing Games is for Children. Mature Adults do not play games. If you are a mature adult, you should take some time to figure out exactly what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and what your wants and needs are. When you know those things, you can go out and get them. When you do not know those things, it is easier to get caught up in game-playing.